


Then

by Starbird



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Aliases, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Cassian And Jyn Figuring Things Out, Cassian is Amazing at Oral Sex Always, Crew bonding, DJ Bodhi, Developing Relationship, Draven is Always Irritated, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F-bombs, F/M, Feels, First Time, Fix-It, Found Family, Missions, Multichapter, Mutual Pining, One True Pairing, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Romance, Sex Undercover, Sexual Content, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Spies & Secret Agents, The Alliance Doing Stuff, There's Actually a Plot I Swear, Trust Goes Both Ways, Undercover Missions, Undercover as a Couple, Yavin Base is Crap But We Love It, sex under the influence, sex with feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-01 13:42:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 47,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10922973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Starbird
Summary: After surviving the Battle of Scarif, Rogue One returns home to Yavin 4 to figure out what's next for them. Alliance Command decides to keep them together as an elite unit attached to Intelligence. Jyn and Cassian try to figure out where they stand with each other and how it all works, and do a generally terrible job of it. Chirrut says things no one understands, Baze just wants to shoot people, Bodhi once met a giant feline at a zoo named Princess and it gave him nightmares, and Kaytoo is predictably sassy. Missions, (minor!) angst, team bonding, Jyn and Cassian getting to know each other, eventual smut that was supposed to happen earlier but RebelCaptain wouldn't behave, Draven being pissy, and a crappy freighter that Leia swears is nice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I really hope you enjoy my first ever posted fic. I've been writing fanfic for a long time, but have never braved posting. I know this chapter is slow. I promise it picks up after they get off Scarif. I am also in the process of querying original work to agents, so I am hoping posting to AO3 helps keep my mind off the stress that is the querying process, and helps keep my spirits up through the inevitable rejections.
> 
> I am a HUGE Star Wars fan but have never really been a part of an online community like this. I look forward to meeting you all!
> 
> ~Starbird
> 
> P.S.: I'm on [tumblr](https://thestarbirdfromtheashes.tumblr.com/)! I'd love to chat there if you wanna!
> 
> **THIS WORK IS CURRENTLY ON HOLD INDEFINITELY**

With a soft metallic tinkle, the grenade landed at the rear of the ship. Bodhi Rook scrambled away from the comms and scooped it up, hurling it back at the trooper who’d thrown it. He dived for cover as it exploded, killing the trooper and a few others nearby.

 _Time to go_ , he thought. _Beyond time to go._

He hurried back over to the hatch to monitor what was going on outside. He hadn’t heard from anybody for a while now, and from the looks of things, it wasn’t going too well out there. Rebel forces lay strewn about, tens of people he didn’t known but who had been willing to risk their lives for something so vital. He wondered how Chirrut, Baze, Kaytoo, Jyn, and Cassian were doing.

_If they’re even still alive at all._

He went back to the comms station and took a deep breath, tapping his finger anxiously against the board. Desperately wishing someone, anyone, would hail him.

Anything for a sign of life.

 

Five agonizing minutes passed before things got even worse: the Death Star, the thing they’d risked their lives to fight against, had just appeared in orbit.

It had come to destroy them all.

“No, no, no,” Bodhi breathed. “Not after everything.”

The blast from the killing machine struck far out in the ocean, but close enough that the destruction wouldn’t take long to reach him and his friends. As he ran to the cockpit ladder and sprang up the rungs, he heard a broadcast from Admiral Raddus. “Rogue One, may the Force be with you,” said the gravelly voice solemnly. Bodhi slapped the button to talk.

“We’re still down here,” he said. “At least one of us is. Don’t give up on us just yet!”

“Then get that ship going,” Raddus said. “We’re about to make the jump to hyperspace.”

“Copy that, Admiral.”

The shuttle lifted up from the ground, laboriously turning over. Bodhi scanned the beach as he flew and caught a glimpse of Baze Malbus and Chirrut Îmwe, still fighting. The bolts lancing forth from Baze’s cannon were a pale red as they weakened, and Chirrut stumbled forward despite an injury to his torso. Bodhi already had the ramp lowered, and he hovered right next to them and yelled for them to get on board. He heard two thumps as they clambered on.

“Jyn and the captain?” Baze asked breathlessly. Blood streamed from a wound to his forehead, and his already battered armor showed char marks. Bodhi shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he said tersely. “I don’t see them.”

“We need to be by the Citadel Tower,” Chirrut said calmly as he rested in a seat near the ramp. It was as if he’d never been in battle at all. “Their presence is strong there.”

Bodhi stared out at the blastwave. “We’ll never make it in time.”

“Time is meaningless.”

Bodhi knew better than to question him, and he slammed the ship forward, hurtling it along and straining his eyes. “Everybody stay sharp!”

“There!” Baze shouted, pointing out the window.

Bodhi followed his finger, hardly daring to hope.

But Baze’s eyes were true. There on the beach were Jyn and Cassian on their knees, embracing, awaiting their end. Bodhi brought the ship down hard, startling them apart. Baze threw his weapons to the floor and limped to the ramp, pulling the two up and into the safety of the ship. Neither spoke a word as Bodhi closed the ramp, told everyone to hang on, and put the shuttle into a dizzying ascent straight up into space, as far away from the Death Star and the raging battle above as he could given their location on the ground. He couldn’t tell what was happening – couldn’t even spare a moment of brain power to check as he ran as quickly as possible through lightspeed calculations – but he held his breath until the stars elongated and blue-white light engulfed the ship, their nightmare behind them.

* * *

Jyn Erso withdrew into herself, hands clasped, breathing hard. At her feet lay Captain Cassian Andor, unconscious from the pain of his wounds. Baze, the only one who seemed somewhat able to move around, searched for a medical kit. Chirrut chanted quietly.

Bodhi came down from the cockpit a few moments later and locked eyes with Jyn. “Kaytoo?” he asked. She shook her head.

“He didn’t make it,” she said.

Baze came over with an open medkit and handed it to her. “You probably know more about this than I,” he said. Jyn took it from him and riffled through it.

“I don’t know where he’s hurt.”

“His body is broken, but his spirit is strong,” Chirrut said. Jyn looked over at him, and he gave her a small smile. She shook her head again, unsure what that meant, and went back to the kit. Once she found a prefilled syringe with pain medication, she injected Cassian and then handed some pain patches to Baze. Wherever Cassian was hurt, she doubted he wanted her stripping him in the middle of the shuttle. She went up to the cockpit, and Bodhi soon joined her.

“All right, then?” she asked him. He nodded, not looking at her, fingers playing with a toggle switch on the control board.

“I hope they got the plans,” he said. “I saw a Star Destroyer leap in. I don’t think the fleet….” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes. “So what’s next for us?”

Jyn shrugged and looked out the windows at the lights of hyperspace. “I don’t know. I don’t think we were supposed to live through that. The Council might have a thing or two to say about it.”

Down in the cargo area, she heard Cassian suddenly cry out in pain. A scuffle ensued, and after exchanging looks with Bodhi, Jyn quickly left the cockpit to see what was going on. Baze grappled with Cassian, delirious with agony, trying to subdue him.

“It’ll take some time before the medicine kicks in,” Jyn said to Baze, trying to untangle Cassian’s death grip from Baze’s arms. “Just another few minutes, and he should be out again.”

Cassian’s eyes found her face, and his whole body relaxed. His head fell back against the hard metal floor, and he stopped fighting. His eyes closed once more.

“Or he might pass out again,” Jyn said.

“What happened?” Baze asked. “Did you…?”

“They succeeded in their quest,” Chirrut answered with a smile. Baze picked up the medkit and went to tend to his friend. “Hope lives on.”

“What happened to the captain?” asked Baze as he began to work on Chirrut’s wounds.

“He fell,” Jyn said, feeling her throat constrict. She couldn’t take her eyes off Cassian’s face, wishing he would come around again so she could thank him for everything he’d done. Wishing she could say something, _anything_ to him. “I don't even know how far. Hit some support girds on the way down. Then he climbed back up.”

“Determination makes the spirit strong,” Chirrut said.

“That it does,” Jyn said quietly, her hand reaching out to Cassian’s face but just as quickly retreating. She wiped her palm on her pants and stood. “We’ll be back at Yavin 4 soon, get some medical care, and then get some rest. Our fight is still far from over.”

* * *

Once the group landed on Yavin 4, they were rushed to the medical bay. Jyn and Bodhi were the first to be released after a few hours, having received the least of the injuries. Baze and Chirrut would be kept overnight, while Cassian would need a few days at least. Not knowing what else to do, Jyn and Bodhi wandered wordlessly around the jungle.

“My parents would be disappointed,” Bodhi finally said when the silence got far too uncomfortable for him.

“I can’t imagine anyone being disappointed in you, Bodhi,” Jyn said with a smile. His face reddened a little.

“I was the first one to make it into the Imperial piloting program,” he explained. “They were very proud of that. For me to just leave….” He shook his head. “Very shameful. But they never knew what I’d had to do, what I’d had to compromise within myself….” Again he shook his head, clearly furious with himself. “Galen could see how I struggled. He saw something in me. I didn’t deserve that chance.”

“You did,” Jyn said. “My father was a very smart man. He knew he could trust you. You helped save the Rebellion.” _Save the dream!_ Saw Gerrera’s voice came back to her, as if from a memory long ago and far away. Now he was dead, too. Her mother, her father, her surrogate father. All dead, all gone, and she was supposed to have died with them. She’d made peace with that end.

She’d even wanted it.

Finally at peace with herself, she’d wanted to die in Cassian’s arms. She didn’t know yet how she felt about still being alive.

They walked again in silence, but it was more companionable this time. The sun began to set and insects began their discordant melody, and their stomachs told them it had been a long time since they’d been tended to. No one paid them any mind in the mess hall, no one having any idea who they were, and Jyn liked it that way. No one needed to know. The best deeds, she always thought, were done anonymously. Bodhi furtively glanced around, which made her nervous herself. However, she was too hungry to worry about it, and ate until she was sated.

After dinner, they had to find rooming assignments. An aide of Draven’s had already found them and told them to check in with him in the morning, which Jyn already dreaded. She struggled to fall asleep that night, tossing and turning as memories of the day replayed over and over in her mind. Only when she thought of Cassian’s arms around her did she finally find peace, and sleep engulfed her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone recovers, Chirrut is too close to the truth, and Jyn and Cassian face each other for the first time after getting off of Scarif. They both want Rogue One to stay together, but Jyn is not exactly cut out for the subtleties of Intelligence operations.

Bodhi was already waiting in the briefing room, shifting from foot to foot when Jyn arrived a few minutes late. She was freshly showered and in a change of clothes and felt better than she had in days. Draven, arms crossed, pointedly checked a digital chronometer hanging on the wall, and Jyn pointedly ignored him. She’d been late because she’d stopped by the med bay to check on Cassian, and she wasn’t about to apologize for that.

“Right, let’s get started, then,” Draven said when it appeared Jyn wasn’t going to say anything about her tardiness. Senator Mon Mothma spoke before he could say anything more. While Draven looked surly as ever, Mothma beamed, looking resplendent in her robes of white.

“The Rebellion’s newest heroes,” she said.

“Good work,” Draven added. “The plans are safely on their way. The Death Star will be destroyed because of you.”

“And Cassian,” Jyn said. “And Chirrut and Baze and Kaytoo. And a score of other rebels.”

“Yes, of course,” Draven said. “We’ll say as much when we brief them.”

Mothma looked down. “We did not expect any of you to come back. I’m happy your group did.” She looked up again with a smile. “You have lit a fire beneath the Rebellion, given us hope again to fight this war. Your mark on the Rebellion will not soon be forgotten. There is more work still to do, but for now, until we can plan an attack on the Death Star, consider yourselves at liberty. Take some time to rest, recuperate, and remember who you are and why you’re fighting.” Her gaze shifted to Bodhi. “Let’s get you some proper rebel gear, Mr. Rook.”

Whereas before Bodhi had been reticent to give up his Imperial uniform, because it reminded him of where he’d come from and how far he’d gone, he couldn’t defend it any longer due to its wear and filth. “That would be nice,” he said. “Thank you, ma’am.”

Mothma nodded, and Draven gave them a nod as well. “You may go,” Draven said.

Jyn parted with Bodhi after leaving the briefing. She didn’t mean to be rude or leave him on his own, but she needed time. Time to think, time to herself, time to just _be_. The nightmares of Scarif and the man in white had tortured her sleep so that she cried out in the night, waking her roommate and forcing her to sleep in a deserted closet for most of the night, curled in a ball in the darkness and begging her own darkness to stay away. After all she’d fought for, after the peace that had come into her mind in those last final moments on the tropical world, she didn’t want any more darkness. She wanted only light, and happiness.

Cassian still hadn’t been released from the med bay, and neither had Baze or Chirrut. She’d known that, but all this waiting made her fidgety and anxious. It didn’t used to, but she was used to being occupied. So, with nothing better to do, she fell back on old habits and threw herself into physical activity, joining other rebels as they practiced marksmanship, combat techniques, and other means of war. No one questioned where she came from or who she was. Maybe it was common for new faces to appear and disappear all the time.

Another day passed with more of the same. Chirrut reappeared, and Jyn took long, silent walks with him through the jungle. His presence was more soothing than Bodhi’s, much as she liked the anxious pilot. But the defector was not comfortable with long stretches of silence, and he felt the need to talk. Chirrut did not. He could just _be_ , and he let Jyn be, too. In the late evening, as the sun began to set and they turned their feet back toward the towering temple again, Chirrut said in his cryptic way,

“He spoke your name in the night.”

Jyn looked at him, confused. “Who?”

“The captain. When he was in pain. Yours was the name he spoke.”

“Well, of course,” Jyn said, feeling uncustomary warmth in her cheeks. “I’m the last person he saw.”

Chirrut laughed a little. “We are blindest when we most do not want to see.”

Jyn slowly stopped walking and turned to him. “What do you mean?”

Chirrut placed both hands on his staff, still smiling at her. “You are the key, Jyn. Some cages are outside us, and some are within. You are his key.”

This made Jyn uncomfortable, and she started walking again. “I never did hear how all of you escaped everything. We’ll all have to share stories.”

“They are over, and we are in another.”

He could be so infuriating to talk to. Where was Baze when someone needed him?

“The Two-One-Bee attending to Baze released him this morning,” Chirrut said in his disconcerting way. 

Baze was waiting for them when they returned to the temple, looking ready to go into battle once more. “You shouldn’t wander off,” he scolded Chirrut.

“I was fine,” Chirrut replied. “I had Jyn.”

“I’m glad to see you’re out of the med bay,” Jyn said to Baze. “Bodhi probably wants to talk to you.”

“About what?” Baze asked, but she had already walked away.

 

The rebel staffing the front desk of the med bay informed Jyn that Cassian had just been released an hour ago. After fifteen frustrating minutes of trying to find a directory to the massive stone temple, she located his quarters and set off for them. Once she got there, though, and raised her hand to knock, she hesitated. She didn’t know what to say.

 _Can’t be that hard,_ she told herself sternly, and rapped her knuckles on the door.

Moments passed, and Jyn was about to leave. Just as she took a step away, the handle turned and the old-fashioned wood door swung open. Cassian stood on the other side, looking better but still injured. He clutched at his right hip still.

Relief swept over his face, and Jyn could swear she saw more color return. “Jyn.” He said her name like he couldn’t believe she was right in front of him.

In a second they were in each other’s arms again, and Jyn barely heard the door closing behind her. “You’re all right,” she breathed, her hands on his cheeks, needing to feel him warm and alive and breathing.

“Just barely,” he replied. “Just barely.”

They parted, and Cassian slowly limped over to his bunk and lay back on it. Jyn sat in a small chair in front of a compact desk, her arm bumping into a box with a square drive in it the size of her palm. Cassian noticed her looking at it.

“It’s Kaytoo,” he said. “I have a backup.”

Jyn gave him a smile. “So you can get him back.” Cassian nodded, though he didn’t return her smile.

“How are the others?”

“They’re well. They’ve all recovered and have all been debriefed. Now we’re just waiting to hear what we’re going to do next. The Alliance wants to come up with a plan to fight the Death Star, but right now it’s all speculation. They don’t have the data yet.”

Cassian frowned. “Well, where is it?”

Jyn looked up at his tone and shook her head. “I have no idea. They didn’t tell me that.”

“But it’s been days,” Cassian insisted. “Where has the Death Star been all this time?”

“Cassian.” Jyn gave him a sharp look. “I said I don’t know.”

Cassian slumped back on the bunk again, staring up at the cracked ceiling. His left leg was bent up while his injured right leg stayed straight out, as if he were afraid to move it. “I hate not knowing things. I’m in the business of information, and I don’t even know what’s going on.”

“None of us knows.” Jyn got up and joined him on his bunk, sitting next to him. She took his hand, but he barely squeezed her fingers back. “We’ll figure it out.”

He let go of her hand. His slid up her arm, and she watched, the moment slowing down, a sensation running through her body that she hadn’t felt in a long time. When his fingers touched the skin of her neck, her breath caught. A shiver raced over her. He sat up next to her with a smile on his face.

“It’s not cold in here,” he said quietly.

“No, I just….” Jyn trailed off. His other hand was at her neck now, too, cupping her face and tilting it up to his.

“Jyn….” Cassian touched his forehead to hers as he held her, and they both closed their eyes and took comfort in each other’s presence and aliveness. “I can’t believe you’re still here.” He pulled back a little and pressed a kiss to her forehead now, and she slowly opened her eyes to take him in. He was looking at her, his hands still on her face. She reached up to touch his face, her other hand resting on his thigh. In response, he turned his head to kiss her palm. Her fingers skimmed his thigh and up his side, hitching his shirt up ever so slightly and revealing just the barest hint of tan skin. She continued going until she was at his neck, just wanting to feel him, afraid he’d drift away.

“Thank you for coming back for me,” she said.

“I always do,” he said, and caught her hands in his own. He brought them around his neck, pulling her even closer. “I always will.”

Jyn turned her face away and hugged him then, pressing her cheek into his. Cassian seemed content, his arms wrapped around her tightly. They stayed that way in comfortable silence, breathing together, not wanting to move. Then they began to talk. Just little things, about Yavin Base, about the weather, about the food, things that meant nothing but that were safe and far, far away from their feelings and even further away from Scarif. When Cassian began to drift off from his painkillers, Jyn stood to go.

“Don’t go,” he said, catching her hand again. She looked down at him in surprise. “Please.”

Jyn sat back down on his bunk, her heart hammering. “What do you want me to do?” she asked neutrally.

“Stay with me.” His hand lifted, just once, and patted the bed. A subtle invitation.

So she did, pushing her boots and socks off and climbing under the covers, moving toward the wall to give him enough space. Afraid to have him too close. She felt him lie down beside her. Move closer. Too close. Way too close. His arm came around her, and she feared he would feel her heart pounding.

“You’re trembling,” he breathed, his breath warm and stirring tendrils of her hair. She shivered again and let go of a shaky breath. He was _too close_.

“I’m tired,” she said, possibly the weakest defense she could possibly come up with.

He shifted even closer, moving his hand to her hips to give him more purchase as he slid his own hips against hers. She felt him, all of him, curved around her. Felt him lay his head down on the pillow contentedly, fitting perfectly with her. A terrible want, a need, an _ache_ , a _longing_ , surfaced within her again, one she had not felt since their intense moment in the turbolift when she was sure they would both die and she wanted nothing more than to kiss him and tell him everything he meant to her, but couldn’t bring herself to break the moment. Because he already knew. She already knew. They both already knew.

Cassian’s hand came up again, moving her hair off her hot neck. He kissed her shoulder blade. Jyn felt she might fall apart right there. She wanted nothing more than to either get away from this bed, or turn into his embrace and make love to him. The desire overwhelmed her, made her head spin into a dizzying cyclone.

She closed her eyes and begged for sleep.

*** * ***

Jyn was used to cutting and running before daylight appeared, but this time, she didn’t. She woke slowly, peacefully, Cassian’s arm draped over her stomach, lightly brushing her skin where her tunic rode up. She quietly turned over in the small bunk, her heart doing a flip-flop in her chest when she saw how peaceful he looked. Years of weariness had left his face, and he looked much younger. Jyn gently brushed her fingers through his bangs and down his cheek before taking a risk – not without hesitation – and laying her head on his chest. She took a deep breath and let it out softly, her eyes closed again, grateful to see another day. Grateful he would, too.

Cassian stirred, and, as if on instinct, his arms wrapped around her and pulled her close. Jyn felt her body stiffen, told herself that it was all right, and forced her muscles to unclench.

He took a deep breath, and his first words were, “You smell so good.”

Jyn chuckled. “Thanks. It’s Alliance-issued soap.”

“Well, it’s better than the garbage they gave me when I first signed on. That stuff never lathered. I ended up stealing from motels. I have a collection.”

“That is a bizarre character trait I just did not need to know about.”

Even though she couldn’t see him, she knew he was smiling.

“Good morning, Jyn,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to her hair. “I’m glad to see you.”

Jyn couldn’t help the way her body responded. It snuggled up to him closer, and she couldn’t stop it. “I’m glad to see you, too, Cassian. Thanks for pulling through.”

“You’re welcome.”

Again, her rebellious body moved on its own, her arms sliding up his torso to hug his sides. She sighed. “We’ve been put on medical leave. What, exactly, does that mean?”

Light pressure at her scalp. A tingle. He was playing with her locks. “It means,” Cassian said, “that High Command doesn’t want us doing anything until we’re one hundred percent. Then they’ll start assigning us to missions again. We’ll have to figure out where we all fit best. I mean…the rest of the Rogue One crew will.”

Jyn sat up abruptly, frowning, knocking his hand away. Cassian’s face still looked peaceful, but it was impassive as usual. “You mean they’re splitting us up?”

He shrugged. “I assume so.”

“No.”

“I don’t make the decisions.”

“ _No._ We accomplished something no one else could accomplish. They _can’t_ split Rogue One up. I won’t let them. I’ll talk to Draven and Mon Mothma and all those blowhards myself if they – ”

“Jyn.” His gentle voice stopped her, his hand pulling her arm back as she attempted to climb out of the bunk, ready to go fight right then and there. She stopped, sitting on the side of the bed, arms posted hard beside her. “I don’t like it, either. We’ll figure it out.”

“‘We.’”

He nodded once. “Yes. You and me.”

“You and…why? You work alone. I know that. I’m not stupid, Cassian.”

“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

Perplexed, Jyn frowned at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She wished he would sit up. She wished he would look angry. Something that was normal, something she was used to. Not this relaxed Cassian she’d never seen before. It unsettled her. It threw her. It made her uncomfortable.

She didn’t like it.

“I need you, Jyn,” he said in the quietest of voices. “I want you to be my second.”

It felt like a boulder had slammed into Jyn’s chest. She’d never been _needed_ before. Her fingers gripped the mattress. Her teeth began to grit together.

“I’m not an Intelligence agent,” she said.

“You could be. With…me.”

It was hard for him to say. He was obviously struggling. But that didn’t mean she had to accept it.

“Stop.” She shot up from the bed and strode across the room, swooping her boots up as she went.

“Then what do you think your place is here?” Cassian asked. “A regular foot soldier? No one special?”

She whirled at the door to his room. “That’s what I _am_.”

“You’re _not_ ,” he said, now sitting up. “Trust me, I am going to do everything in my power to keep Rogue One together. I just don’t know if Draven is going to go for it.”

“Draven is an ass.”

“You don’t have to convince me of that.” He paused. “Or anyone, really.”

“I’ve got to go.” She reached down for the handle and tried to turn it, but it wouldn’t turn right. She jiggled it harder in frustration, but it still wouldn’t budge. “What the fuck is wrong with your door?”

“It sticks.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Jyn slapped the door with her palm, staring at the offending panel of wood.

“Don’t leave, Jyn,” Cassian said. “Please. I know you want to run. I know that’s what you default to. But you don’t have to anymore. This is your home. We are. Rogue One. Let us be that for you.”

Jyn felt unexpected tears well in her eyes, and she hung her head. “I need to go,” she said quietly.

“I’m not going to stop you.”

She turned the handle one last time, yanked hard, and the door flew open.

Then she was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another normal day on Yavin Base with Jyn pissed off at Cassian. An Intelligence officer from Cassian's past shows up, and Jyn tries to pretend she so does not care about this chick. Then the Death Star destroys Alderaan, and Cassian, of course, blames himself. With Alderaan gone and the planet killer still out there, the two officially decide that there is absolutely no way anyone is going to come between the Rogue One crew.

Jyn stormed down to the mess for breakfast and slammed her tray on an empty table in a corner once she’d gotten her food. She sat on the bench with a thump and began eating, in a foul mood and not expecting this day to get any better. Bodhi entered the hall and stood in line, looking nervously around as if he both wanted someone to talk to and was afraid someone actually would. When he saw Jyn, he waved excitedly, and she forced a smile that came out more like a grimace.

“All right, then?” she asked as he sat across from her, plate piled high with steaming food.

“Yes,” he said, picking up his flatware and surveying his selections. “You?”

“Peachy,” she said with a little too much irony. Bodhi glanced up at her before attacking his meal.

“Any idea how long we’ll be stuck on leave?”

Jyn shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Have you seen Cassian?

“I haven’t,” she lied with a shake of the head.

“Oh.” Bodhi sounded a little discouraged. “I just wanted to make sure he was doing all right.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, Bodhi.”

He was eyeing her suspiciously, so Jyn looked down at her plate and scooped a nameless gravy onto her spoon. She didn’t feel the need to fill the silence with conversation, much as Bodhi obviously wanted to. Nothing felt safe to talk about, so she just let all the unspoken questions and words linger between them. But then, as she scanned the hall, her mind wandering, she saw Bodhi sit up straighter and look over her shoulder, an expression of happiness beginning to light his face. As nonchalantly as possible, she glanced over her shoulder.

Cassian had just walked in.

He didn’t approach them (if he’d even seen them at all, which, given how good he was at his job, he probably had), just headed straight to one of the meal lines, but before he got there, a tall woman with blonde hair jumped up from a table and intercepted him. Jyn watched the interaction with some interest, the woman grabbing Cassian in an awkward one-sided hug he didn’t reciprocate and speaking quickly. Jyn and Bodhi were too far away to hear the conversation, but given the woman’s expression, she knew Cassian well and was very happy to see him.

“Wonder who that is?” Bodhi said.

“Mm,” Jyn said noncommittally, and turned back to her food. Not much was left, and she’d already been around enough people for a week this morning alone, so she excused herself and got up. Unfortunately, by the time she threaded her way through the tables to one of the tray returns, Cassian and the woman had somehow moved directly into her path. Jyn gripped her tray harder, calculating a way out and discarding all ideas. She had no option but to go right through and acknowledge them (or ignore them entirely, which was looking better and better).

“Excuse me,” she said. The woman stepped aside to allow Jyn to dump the contents of her tray and deposit it.

“Wait, you’re Jyn Erso, aren’t you?” the woman said as Jyn tried to leave.

“No,” Jyn said, turning to go.

“Jyn,” Cassian chastised quietly. Jyn shot him a “thanks for blowing my cover” glare.

“How can I help you?” she asked the woman.

“Lieutenant Danali Malcomb, Intelligence,” she said, holding her hand out to Jyn, who reluctantly took it. “I used to partner with Cassian.”

Jyn slowly looked at Cassian, raising her eyebrows exaggeratedly and skewering him with her look. _“Oh?”_

“Yeah, before he got the droid,” she explained. “Where is he, by the way? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Anyway, I heard about what you did. Great work.”

Jyn smiled tightly. “Nice of you to say.” She turned her gaze to Cassian again, her smile colder. “Must’ve been fun partnering with this one, eh?” she said, giving him a nudge with her elbow that was probably too hard. Cassian looked like he was about to explode.

Malcomb laughed. “Parts of it were,” she said in too flirty a tone, winking and giving him her own nudge. He stepped back from both of them, now looking both angry _and_ uncomfortable, and then Jyn _felt_ uncomfortable, realizing just what exactly the other woman was alluding to but just as quickly realizing she neither wanted nor needed to know details. Cassian’s past was what it was, and it didn’t concern her.

“Well, I’m sure you have a lot to catch up on,” Jyn said. “We both know how talkative Cassian can be, so I’ll let you two get back at it. To it,” she purposely corrected. She clapped Cassian on the shoulder, hard. “Later, Captain.”

Then she stalked off, deciding what she needed more than anything right now was some good, solid target practice, preferably with a cutout of a human target.

 

 

Naturally, Jyn didn’t get far before Chirrut and Baze found her. She consciously relaxed her posture and tried to clear her angry thoughts from her mind, knowing Chirrut would pick up on that immediately. Of course, no amount of hiding she could ever attempt would fool him.

“Anger surrounds you,” Chirrut said.

“Maybe because she doesn’t want to be bothered,” Baze suggested.

“Just trying to get used to things,” Jyn said, consciously loosening her muscles and relaxing her posture further.

“‘Things’ have not changed,” Chirrut said. “Only you have changed. Have you seen the captain?”

Of course he would ask that. “He’s in the mess hall,” Jyn answered.

“What did he do to make you mad?” Baze asked.

Jyn growled. Even _Baze_ could tell? “He’s not sure what to do about us,” Jyn said, choosing a part of the story that was less difficult to talk about. “Or, rather, what High Command and the Council want to do with us.”

“We fight together,” Chirrut said. “There is no other answer.”

“I agree,” Jyn said. “There’s not much Cassian can do, though, if the higher-ups want to separate us and have us in different divisions.”

“Just let them try,” Baze said threateningly, fingers twitching as if he wanted to shoot someone.

Jyn smiled despite herself. “That,” she said, “I would watch.”

 

After managing to avoid Cassian for the entire day, he finally found her sitting outside the temple on some of the ruins, watching the ships come in and leave the hangar, her head in her hands.

“You’re thinking about leaving,” he said quietly. Jyn didn’t turn to acknowledge him. Didn’t even move.

“It’s crossed my mind,” she said. “But I already told Baze and Chirrut I don’t want Rogue One to be split up. I just don’t know if my place is in Intelligence, or as your second. I don’t know…I guess I’m conflicted.”

He came around in front of her, and she scooted over on the massive stone to make room for him. There wasn’t quite enough space, and his body pressed against hers, his leg warm and solid. Part of her wanted to relax into him and put her head on his shoulder and have him wrap his arm around her. Another part of her wanted to keep him at a distance lest she lose him, as she almost had before. The biggest part of her wanted to stay angry at him, for whatever reason. His words, before they’d left for Scarif, replayed in her mind again, as they had so many times before: _Welcome home._ Yes, she’d found a place in the Rebellion, but _where_ did she fit in, exactly? What more could she offer? Did she really want to be a foot soldier and die on some unknown planet from a stormtrooper’s blaster bolt? An ignominious death after everything?

“We weren’t supposed to live through that,” she said out loud.

He knew what she was talking about, and he tentatively took her hand, fingers resting on her palm. She didn’t react, neither holding his fingers nor pulling away. “But we did,” he said. “You can’t focus on what should or should not have happened. You have to always move forward.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” she said sharply, turning a quick glare on him. “I didn’t become a soldier yesterday. I don’t need your crackerjack advice like I’m some green recruit who just learned where the safety is on her blaster.”

“Fine,” he said, abruptly standing. She immediately missed the warmth of his body next to hers and hated herself for it. Even in the oppressive heat and humidity, it had felt good to have him next to her. “Then I’ll go.”

Jyn felt the need to needle him. Even if Rogue One were to stay together, the best option, for her, seemed to be to keep him at a distance. Stomp down on her feelings and keep things the way they were before he’d found her an army based on her word alone. Before he’d broken down her barriers and made her fall in –

 _STOP_ , her mind shouted, slamming a wall down on that horrible, offensive thought.

“Yeah, it sounds like someone missed you a whole lot,” she said. “You used to work with someone before Kay? Didn’t know that. I thought you nearly always worked alone.”

He stiffened, his posture going rigid. She could almost see the walls descending around him. “What’s it to you?” he replied. Jyn shrugged. Then he made it worse. “Jealous?”

Jyn barked a cruel laugh. “Me? Never. I don’t care who you sleep with.”

“Whoever said I slept with her?”

Jyn raised her eyebrows with a smirk. “It’s kind of _obvious_ , Cassian. She practically jumped you in the mess.”

“We worked well together,” he replied. “ _She_ didn’t annoy me.”

“You need someone who annoys you and keeps you sharp,” Jyn said, before _immediately_ realizing that was the absolute _wrong_ thing to say. Cassian began to smile.

“So now you believe me when I say I need you,” he said.

“You don’t,” Jyn said, getting up and stalking past him. “I know you don’t.”

He caught her arms and pulled her close. His body pressed against hers. “You don’t have any idea what I need or don’t need,” he said.

Jyn’s breath caught in her throat. He was _too close. Again._ “Cassian,” she warned. “Don’t….”

“Don’t what?” he asked innocently, his gaze focused on her lips.

“Stop,” she whispered, feeling herself weakening, being in his grip again. The backs of his fingers skimmed up her arms, then around her to the small of her back, pressing her into him, her hips against his. Their gazes locked on one another, and all the other sounds faded away: the ships, the jungle, everything. Jyn could only focus on him and nothing else.

Until his comlink chirped. He let out a quiet groan and answered it. “Andor.”

“Private Nayo here,” Draven’s personal aide answered. “Draven needs to see you. Now.”

“I’m still on medical leave,” Cassian replied, reaching up to turn the comlink off.

“He’s in his office.” The link cut out, Cassian’s hand halfway to the device. He looked at Jyn, a slight tightness to his mouth.

“Go,” she said.

“I will,” he said, “but you’re coming with me.”

“I am not.”

“You are. Draven needs to see that he’s not splitting us up.”

“Since when do you give me orders? Since when does anybody?”

Cassian didn’t say anything for a moment. “It’s your choice,” he said in an even voice, not betraying a single thing. “I won’t force you.”

He released her and turned to go, and by the time he’d reached the hangar, she had already caught up to him.

 

Draven wasted no time, nor did he spare Cassian and Jyn’s feelings.

“The Death Star destroyed Alderaan,” he said.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jyn watched Cassian’s reaction. For the first time since she’d known him, his face reflected what he was feeling. The impassive spy’s face dropped, replaced by shock. There were a hundred things he could have said, but he didn’t say any of them.

“I’m sorry,” Draven added. “Princess Leia had the plans, but her ship was intercepted by the Empire. We don’t know if the Empire recovered the plans or not.”

Jyn sensed Cassian’s struggle to remain professional. “What do you need from Rogue One?”

“For now, you’re still on leave. But we may have to call on you at a moment’s notice for immediate action.”

“We’ll be there.”

Jyn watched Draven’s reaction carefully. Cassian was good, but Draven was the master. If he disagreed with keeping Rogue One together, he gave nothing away. If he agreed with it, he gave nothing away. She felt a little disappointed – more than she should have, and kicked herself for it. Both spies had worded their sentences very carefully, and everything could be taken whichever way the other chose. Both knew it, too.

Jyn really did not like spy work. Just give her a blaster and a target any day over this complicated dance, and she was good. She wondered if Cassian really liked it all that much, or if he was downright miserable. Had he ever really _been_ happy?

 _Probably not_ , she thought as Draven dismissed them. He was the furthest from happy she’d ever seen a person.

She paced Cassian down the hall back toward the main part of the base, keeping her silence. Not sure if she should speak or wait for him to speak, but knowing with absolute certainty that she was terrible at this sort of thing. She didn’t know how to comfort a person. She knew what he was thinking and feeling – the same things she was – but she didn’t know how to make it better.

“This isn’t our fault,” she finally said.

“I messed up,” Cassian retorted. “I failed.”

“You did not,” Jyn fired back, angry that he was taking the burden solely upon himself. She stopped dead in the hallway and posted her fists on her hips. “We did everything right. We accomplished our objective. There was nothing more we could have done. And, what, this is _all your_ fault? The blame is all on you? A bit presumptuous, don’t you think?”

He shot her a sharp look.

“We did what we set out to do, Cassian,” she said in a softer voice.

“A whole planet is gone, Jyn.”

“Yeah, I got that.”

“Billions of lives ended in a second.”

“You don’t need to spell it out for me.”

He fumed to himself a moment. “How do we move on from this?” he asked. “How do we live with ourselves?”

“We _fight_ ,” she said, stepping closer. “We keep Rogue One together, and we destroy the Empire. That is the only option. We don’t give up and we do everything we can. We fight until the Empire is dead or we can fight no more. All you have to decide is if you want to continue to do that, too. It’s not a hard decision. Are you with me?”

He gave her the barest of smiles and said, “All the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone commenting, leaving kudos, bookmarking, subscribing, and still reading. I just got my original manuscript back from my beta a few days ago, and boy, do I ever have work to do! So when I see your kind, thoughtful comments and kudos and bookmarks and see my hits go up, it just brightens my day and warms my heart when I am feeling discouraged about my manuscript. Thank you, friends. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens, and it’s Chirrut’s fault. Naughty things are referenced, and Cassian gets shy, which is of course adorable because it’s Cassian.

Cassian seemed to be in slightly better spirits that night as Rogue One ate together, though the mood of the entire base was solemn. He left dinner first, and Bodhi watched him go.

“He blames himself,” Bodhi said.

“He always blames himself,” Chirrut said, reaching out to Baze’s plate for another dinner roll. Baze growled and tried to snatch it back, but the other guardian was too fast. “He needs his key.”

Jyn’s head came up from her soup, but Chirrut wasn’t looking at her. He focused on the roll he couldn’t see, and felt around for his knife to butter it.

“He’s always misplacing his keys,” Jyn said. Baze gently took the roll from Chirrut and delicately buttered it.

“In the end, we always find what we lose,” Chirrut said, accepting the roll back from Baze.

“Not always,” Jyn murmured, her appetite suddenly gone.

“We do if they’re not lost.”

Bodhi slammed his water glass down on the table with a thunk. “What am I missing here?” he demanded.

“You are more uncaged than us all, child,” Chirrut said. Bodhi groaned loudly, made a comment about getting dessert, and left the table. Chirrut turned back to Jyn. “Go to him.”

Jyn began tearing her napkin into confetti. “I think Bodhi is perfectly capable of choosing dessert on his own,” she said, deliberately misunderstanding.

Chirrut didn’t comment, and with a sigh, she got up, returned her tray, and headed off to the officers’ quarters.

 

Cassian didn’t immediately open the door to her knock. Only when she said his name through the door did he answer it. He was limping, his hand held to his hip.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” he said. “What do you need?”

“Um. Can I come in?” He gestured her in and closed the door behind her. “Chirrut made me,” she added.

“Of course he did.” He limped back over to his bunk to pick up a datapad, every step looking more painful than the last. “What do you need?” he asked again.

Jyn carefully sat down at his desk, afraid to spook him. He seemed like a wild animal, like any wrong or sudden move would send him bounding away – or attacking.

“I want to know if you’re all right,” she finally said, after taking a moment to find the words.

“I’m fine,” he said – of course. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he challenged, his eyes hardening, daring her.

Jyn shrugged, knowing this was the best she was going to get. “Because you seem to be carrying the weight of the whole galaxy on your shoulders. I’ll go.”

She stood, feeling like this was a wasted trip and Chirrut was losing his touch, but stopped. Cassian had limped over to his terminal to check something on it, and his leg looked about to buckle.

She turned back to him. “Cassian, you’re not all right,” she said.

“I’m _fine_ ,” he insisted. “It just gets a little stiff.”

“You’ve barely had a few days to recover. That was a nasty fall.”

“It wasn’t that bad. I’ve had worse.”

“You have not. Sit down.”

He did without protest, proving to her just how bad the injury really was. Jyn went to him on the bunk. “May I?” she asked, kneeling down in front of him and indicating his pants.

“Um,” he said, visibly swallowing. “I’m your commanding officer now, so I’m going to go with _no_.”

Jyn raised her eyebrows. “What, you would’ve said yes if you _weren’t_ my commander?”

“Er, no. Still no. This is weird.”

“You’re the one making it weird,” Jyn said. “It’s just field medicine, Cassian. Do you have any idea how many men I’ve seen without pants?”

Her face flushed and she immediately regretted the words. Her face reddened further when he said, “Uhhh….”

Jyn ducked her head to hide her blush and put the heel of her hand to her forehead, so acutely aware of the fact that she was kneeling between his knees and that if someone walked in…. Without meaning to, she laughed.

“Something I’m missing?” Cassian asked, and he sounded so confused, so terribly innocent, that Jyn kept laughing, folding her arms on his knee and leaning her forehead on them as her body shook with quiet laughter, her stress melting out of her with each laugh. This was so ridiculous. All of it.

And because Jyn was a brutally honest person used to being around men, with no filter and no boundaries, she answered, “Just occurred to me what someone might think if they walked in.” She lifted her head up and wiped tears from her eyes. She didn’t know why she found it so funny. Something about it just _was_.

Cassian groaned and put his hands on her shoulders to push her away. “Seriously, this is why I don’t have subordinates. They cause so many problems.”

“ _This_ is why?” Jyn said. “This alone?”

“You know, I really don’t need your help. Really, I’ve got it.”

“I’m sorry,” Jyn said, the last of her laughter fading away. “I promise to be good this time.”

“I should write you up.”

“Please do. I’d love to have another bad record.”

He sighed.

Jyn cleared her throat to signal she was being serious and reached toward his belt to help, but he physically twisted away from her like she might bite. “Hey, I’ve got it, thanks,” he said. She watched his fingers work the closures, heard the loud sound as he unzipped. Transfixed. Her heartbeat sped up. She swallowed past a tight throat. Cassian stood slightly from the bed, enough to work the right side of his pants down past his hip. He nodded at his small bedside table. “Pain patch.”

Jyn grabbed it, fumbled it, dropped it. Annoyed with her clumsiness, she ripped it open. She looked up at him as she was about to apply it. He looked calm, but masking pain. Her heart beat even harder, and she dropped her eyes to the injury. It still looked awful. Without asking permission, she leaned forward, moved the waistband of his shorts down just a little, and pressed a soft kiss to his hip, letting her lips linger against his skin for a moment before pressing another kiss a little lower. His response was that of a man parched, dying of thirst, dying for physical affection, and he grabbed onto her shoulders again, this time as if he’d never felt anything like it. Maybe he hadn’t.

She looked up at him. His eyes were on hers. She was suddenly aware of the warmth, the heaviness, of Cassian’s hands on her shoulders. His thumbs rested on bare skin, and her heart began to pick up more speed as that registered.

She couldn’t look away.

Jyn felt frozen to the spot, knowing they were at a turning point and that what happened next was crucial, critical, to their path ahead. It was his move next. She waited, the moment stretching out even though it couldn’t have lasted longer than a second.

“Thank you,” Cassian said. Jyn swallowed and nodded. Was that it? Was that all it was going to be? She started to stand, looking away, already slamming down a hard mental wall on her stupid disappointment, but he caught her upper arms. “Don’t go.”

Jyn looked back at him again, but he was already pulling her up to his body, one arm embracing her, the other moving up so he could cup the back of her head, and she reached for him, and suddenly that moment she’d longed for was there right in front of her. It was as if she had simply stepped into it, and it was even more wonderful than she’d imagined. His lips touched hers, gentle, sweet, thankful, but the way he held her, the tight way his arm wrapped around her, told her he meant – and wanted – so much more. Jyn did, too, but she knew that both of them also wanted, more than anything else, to take their time. To feel each other, to really _be_ with each other. She touched his face gently, as she might touch something so delicate it could easily shatter, afraid of scaring him off, afraid of pushing it further, afraid he could see past her with all of his spy techniques and know what she really thought, really felt, really wanted. Afraid at any moment that Cassian would reject her and throw her out, tell her all this, and she especially, was a mistake. It had happened before. All of it had.

His hair felt soft between her fingers, and she felt his fingers run through her hair as well. He took a deep breath and breathed it out against her neck, then kissed her where it had touched.

When he got to her lips again, he was no longer gentle, and she was glad, because she was done enjoying the slow moment. She needed what she needed, and so did he.

Cassian lay back on the bunk and pulled her onto him, kissing her hard, but she tore her mouth away. “Your hip,” she said.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore,” he said, his chest rising and falling quicker than it had before. She knew he was lying, but he didn’t seem to care. “Please don’t stop.”

So she didn’t, adjusting her body to the side of his so that it didn’t place any pressure on his injury, her chest on his, her knee between his legs and pushed up against him, feeling the effect her kissing was having on him. Their hands touched each other sometimes gently, sometimes touching skin, sometimes twisting fistfuls of clothing and pulling the other closer. She had never kissed someone like this. Never had someone kiss _her_ like this. His kissing style was practiced, experienced, sensual, smoldering with sexuality. Jyn couldn’t get enough of it, and, it seemed, neither could he. Finally, by accident, Jyn’s hand ran over his hip, and his sharp intake of breath told her it was time to stop.

“We really need to get that pain patch on you,” Jyn said.

Cassian knew it, too. He reluctantly sat up, Jyn moving away from him and onto the bed to his right. She realized then that his pants were still unfastened, but neither of them commented on it. She grabbed the patch, which had fallen to the floor, took the backing off, slid it under his shorts, and attached it to his hip. Then she helped him pull his pants back up, and boldly drew the zipper up and fastened his belt. His breath hitched as she closed the constricting fabric, now almost too tight to close, back over him. Despite his earlier shyness with her “What if someone walked in?” comment, he didn’t seem shy now with her hands so close to him, and he so clearly excited by their kissing. She ignored it, though a thrill ran through her knowing she had elicited such a response from him, and she rose from her crouched position, crumpling up the wrapper and backing of the patch. Before she could turn away and toss it, Cassian’s hand caught hers.

“Jyn,” he said, and her eyes sought his. The barest smile showed on his face. “Thank you again.”

Feeling warmth burn its way through her, Jyn tossed the wrapper at the waste bin. It missed. “Someone has to keep you going, if you won’t do it yourself.”

“I know. I just appreciate it. I don’t always look after myself all that well.”

“I know you don’t,” Jyn said. “Because you just want it to be over.” She took a seat beside him on the bunk and put her hands on her knees. Her shoulders hunched up to her ears, and her gaze was unfocused. “I know. I’ve felt the same way. This war, this Rebellion…it’ll eat you alive. It’ll take both of us. It almost did.”

He sighed out a long breath, grinding the heel of his hand into his eye. Exhausted still. “I know. I know. I know….”

Jyn tilted her head up, looking at the ceiling. “You ever think about getting out?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.”

She looked over at him, and he was looking at her already, his eyes on her lips again. “Jyn….”

“What?”

Cassian paused. “Nothing.” He looked away, studying his ceiling as she had been.

“You and your non-responses,” Jyn said. “Amazing you got anywhere with Malcomb.”

He let out a scoff or a laugh. She couldn’t tell. “Intelligence agents have their own language. That’s why we all sleep with each other.”

Jyn arched a brow at him. “Someone I should be worried about?”

“No, no,” he said quietly, tucking hair back behind her ear. “I would never. There’s just you. I just meant that’s how it’s always been in our division. No one gets hurt that way. You don’t see someone around – ” He shrugged, unbothered. “They’re probably off on a mission. You never hear from them again – ” Another shrug, harder this time. “Probably dead. You don’t know, and you don’t get wrapped up in it. I think even Malcomb had something going on with what’s-his-name behind _my_ back at some point. Some Corellian guy.”

Jyn couldn’t help the grimace that came to her face, softened somewhat by an absurdly fascinated smile. _“‘What’s-his-name?’”_

“I really don’t remember it,” Cassian said. “He died. Sloppy work. Served him right. He was terrible.” He thought a moment. “At more than one thing, apparently, according to division gossip.”

Jyn laughed aloud and slapped him on the leg. “So I’m guessing there’s ‘more than one thing’ _you_ are _good_ at, Captain?”

He let out an awkward, shaky laugh, his eyes on the floor, and – Jyn couldn’t have imagined it – an almost bashful expression on his face. “I’ve never received a bad review from Draven. I mean, no more than anyone else.”

Jyn wrinkled her nose. “Ew, gross, not what I meant.”

“Then I can’t imagine what you did mean.”

“I think I should ask Malcomb, then, if you’re going to play coy. If I’m to be your second, I should know how you work.”

“Don’t you dare. I think I would die of embarrassment if you asked her about our relationship.”

“Oh, so it was a _relationship_ now, was it?” Jyn asked, thoroughly enjoying teasing him. They never got to do this before, and, she reflected, this was actually the first time they ever had. “All the more reason to do it.”

“I dunno, how do you define _relationship_?” Cassian replied, with more than just a little disdain for the word.

“Well,” Jyn said slowly, enjoying this probably a little too much, “it’s the way you feel for Kaytoo, only with touching.”

He shot her a searing glare.

Jyn held her hands up in placation. “Look, I’m not here to judge.”

Cassian, apparently at his limit with his irritation, grabbed his pillow and smacked her in the stomach with it.

“You sure know how to treat a lady,” Jyn said, fending him off.

“Yeah, you’re such a lady,” he said. “Time for you to go.”

“Oh, I’m going,” Jyn said as she stood. “That was enough heart-to-heart talk for me for a lifetime.”

“Yes, please don’t talk to me about this stuff again. Can’t you make a female friend or something?”

“I’m sure I can find _someone_ to talk to when I’m the mood for some girl talk,” Jyn said. “Because I’m just so girly.” She opened the door to his room, exited, and closed the door enough so that only her head was sticking into his room. “Now, which room is Malcomb’s, and how much booze does it take to get her to spill her guts?”

His pillow hit the door right as she closed it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, and crew come to Yavin 4. And so does the Death Star. But we all know how well that goes for the Imperials, and the rebels soon celebrate their victory. DJ Bodhi makes his first appearance, and blows the roof off the Great Hall. Where just about everyone is drunk. Except Cassian and Jyn, of course, because responsibility. Maybe some other time. Leia gets another KX series droid for Cassian so Kaytoo can finally come back, and informs them that the Rogue One crew has a ship ready for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …and apparently I like to end chapters with Jyn and Cassian throwing things at each other’s doors.

Tension consumed the base. By the next afternoon, everyone was worried, tensions running so high squadron commanders and other officers were constantly snapping at subordinates to calm down. That afternoon, a Corellian YT-1300 light freighter landed, and out came such a mismatched band of people, they gave the Rogue One crew a run for their money: a regal woman in white; a tall, roguish man who looked surly; a Wookiee; a gold protocol droid who muttered about being back at Yavin Base; an R2-D2 unit who replied; and a young man in farming clothes.

“Wonder who they are?” Jyn murmured.

“The princess has come,” Chirrut replied with a smile. Jyn’s eyebrows raised.

“That’s Princess Leia,” she repeated.

Leia headed straight toward them, and Jyn’s eyes darted around, wanting to escape the attention. Leia stopped right in front of Jyn.

“I’m told you’re Jyn Erso, the one who inspired our troops to secure the plans to the Death Star,” she said.

“I am,” Jyn said, uncomfortable. She didn’t have much experience meeting royals or people in high positions and wasn’t entirely sure what the protocol was. “It’s an honor to meet you.”

Leia smiled, a genuine, real smile. “The honor is mine. You have given us hope. A real chance in this war. I am only sorry I couldn’t be here to argue your case before you went to retrieve the plans. I would have supported you.”

“Yes, the Council weren’t exactly helpful.”

Leia nodded. “I know. You won’t be brought up on any charges, if you’re concerned about that.” Her eyes shifted to Cassian. “Cassian.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said.

“I will do everything in my power to keep your team together. I don’t want anything to split you apart. We need more groups like yours, groups who will take every chance to do what’s right and save the Rebellion. Without you…we’d be lost.”

She moved through the rest of the group, who introduced themselves. Baze, of all people, looked starstruck, and Bodhi blushed. Chirrut’s attention was on the farmer, shifting from foot to foot by the freighter with their friend the surly rogue.

“You have brought a Jedi with you,” Chirrut said. Leia glanced back over her shoulder.

“Jedi?” she repeated. “Well.”

She excused herself, headed toward General Dodonna, and the entire crew watched her go.

 

The Death Star was above Yavin 4. They could see it in the sky. Jyn wanted nothing more than to turn to Cassian and have him hold her against his chest. Instead, she forced herself to look up at, daring it, as the starfighters flew out of the hangar and rose into space, hands curled into fists. She felt a light touch at the small of her back and looked over at Cassian. He stood next to her close enough that his shoulder brushed hers.

“It’s going to be over soon,” he assured her, though he didn’t sound like he entirely believed that. “We’re going to win.”

He needed to believe it as much as she did. “We will.”

They refused to mingle with the other rebels, nervously milling around the base trying to tend to their duties while the battle unfolded. Instead, they stayed outside, Cassian’s arm around Jyn’s waist, her head on his shoulder, gazes turned to the sky. Laser bolts lanced out, green and red, followed by small explosions as fighters blew up. Cassian had hacked into the battle frequency and tuned his comlink to it, and they listened to it as they stood there.

The transmissions from the battle grew more and more urgent. Pilots died. A shot to the reactor core missed. Jyn clasped her hands around Cassian’s neck and turned her head into him, eyes closed, awaiting the end once more. She’d been ready to die with him before, but it seemed so unfair to escape that fate only to move on to it yet again.

And then, out of nowhere: _“Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!”_

Jyn’s head jerked up. Her eyes sought the planet killer again.

Right as it exploded into billions of tiny pieces.

 

Just about everyone was drunk. The medal ceremony was over, and the rebels partied just as hard as Saw’s people. Rogue One sat at their own table by themselves, far from the festivities. Well, everyone except Bodhi.

Bodhi, it turned out, had more to offer the Rebellion than just inside info on the Empire and piloting skills.

“I can’t say I’m _surprised_ , necessarily,” Jyn said, arms crossed on the tabletop, eyes squinted at the defector. “It just never crossed my mind.”

Chirrut tapped his hand on the table in time with the music and didn’t comment.

“Kay hated my music collection,” Cassian said. “Bodhi’s is a lot better, I have to admit.”

Bodhi and a couple other rebels ran the music through the loudspeaker system. He had eagerly offered to help, explaining that he’d been on a lot of long cargo flights by himself and had amassed a very large array of music. So far, his selections seemed to be making the crowd happy.

Baze glowered. “There’s so much more still to do. Why are we having a _party_?”

Jyn allowed him a small smile. “There’s time enough for fighting still, Baze,” she said. “Cheer up. You’ll be shooting Imps again soon.”

His fingers twitched again in an all too familiar gesture that meant he wanted his cannon back in his hands.

Another song came on, way too loud, and Jyn leaned over to yell in Cassian’s ear. “So does this mean our base here is secure? No one else knows we’re here now that the Death Star has been blown up?”

“What?!” he yelled back. She repeated it, but he just shook his head. He still couldn’t hear her. She threw her hands up and gave up. Much as she wanted to be back in the fight again, the fates just would not allow her to be. This night, it seemed, would only allow her to relax, much as she did not want to. At least the farmer and his friend the smuggler, who’d been the last on the comms congratulating the former on destroying the Death Star, had the decency to look just as uncomfortable as Jyn felt. The princess stood over to the side, conversing with Dodonna and Draven.

A loud squawk issued over the loudspeakers, causing the partying rebels to groan and cover their ears. Cassian shoved his chair back and got up, apparently over all of it. Jyn glanced at Baze and Chirrut, but their attention was on the crowd. Still taking care to be quiet, out of habit despite the noise, she rose to follow Cassian.

“Have a nice night,” Chirrut said anyway, and she winced. Never could get away with anything around him.

Once they were far enough from the music to hear one another, Cassian stopped and turned to Jyn, his arms crossed. For what reason, she didn’t know. “You didn’t have to leave,” he said. “You could have stayed.”

“Not my scene,” she replied. “Did that look like fun for me?”

He shook his head and leaned back against the wall, the boot of his bad leg up on the stone. “They deserve it.”

“We _all_ deserve it,” Jyn corrected.     

He smiled, maybe to himself because he didn’t meet her eyes, and a slower song started up. Now Jyn wished she were back in the great hall again, just to see the rebels pair up. Plenty of it would probably be awkward, and _that_ sounded like fun to her. She wondered if Baze and Chirrut found it just as amusing.

“We’re off medical leave tomorrow,” Cassian said into the silence that followed Jyn’s comment, “and it sounds like the princess is going to push for us to stay together. That’s good. There are things only we can accomplish, I think, and we’re better together than as separate entities. Stronger.”

“I would agree with that.”

“They’ll probably keep us with Intelligence. Are you going to be okay with that?”

She met his eyes, wondering just what, exactly, he was asking. Her permission? Her blessing? “I don’t know,” she answered slowly, honestly. “I’m really not made for it. I could see us supporting you, I guess, but actually conducting spy missions with you…I’m not sure.”

“And you have no interest in it.”

“And I have no interest in it,” Jyn confirmed. “I’ve seen what it’s done to you, Cassian. It doesn’t make you happy.”

“It doesn’t make _anyone_ happy,” he said. “How could it?”

She didn’t answer that. “If you want my honest opinion – ”

“I do.”

“ – I think you should choose someone else for your second.”

He reached out for her hands, taking them loosely in his own. “I don’t want anyone else. I want _you_. _We_ put together the Scarif mission. You inspired the troops. We work well together. Very well. It makes the most sense.”

Jyn thought it over, _tried_ to come up with an argument, and faltered. As she opened her mouth to say something, anything, to refute him, Princess Leia came up to them.

“ _There_ you are,” she said, beaming to see them. “I’m so glad I finally found you. I’ve spoken with Generals Dodonna and Draven, and they agree that splitting your team up would be foolish. In fact, we’ve got an assignment for you already. Both of you will need to meet with Draven tomorrow at oh nine hundred to brief on it. We’re prepping a ship for you that I think you’ll like. It’s small, but it should serve your purposes well.” She turned to Jyn. “Provided you don’t mind sharing a ship with a bunch of men again.”

“Better than a bunch of women,” Jyn said flatly. “I do not need the drama.”

Leia laughed, and Jyn knew she understood completely. “You’ll have your own cabin, don’t worry. Cassian, I hear you’re missing your droid as well.”

Only because Jyn already knew him so well did she see the flicker of shock on his face. “He died on Scarif,” Cassian said, “but I still have his backup drive.”

Leia nodded. “We have another one. It was just flown in yesterday. Lot of kinks and glitches in it, but I’m told you’re a pretty good programmer. I don’t suppose you have any experience with protocol droids? Got a good one for you to experiment on if not. Or even if so, actually.”

“Where is it?” Cassian asked.

“I had it sent to your quarters,” Leia replied. “It’s in low-power mode. Hopefully it won’t cause you too much trouble. Those things are a beast. Get it working in the next day so you can ship out tomorrow afternoon. Tell your people.” She gave him a curt nod. “And also tell them that they’re still getting medals at some point, in an even more ridiculously public and embarrassing ceremony than this last one for Luke, Han, and the walking carpet. No one says no to me.” The princess gave Cassian a warning look that said just exactly that, then turned and walked away. Cassian immediately whirled and briskly set off toward his quarters, Jyn following in his wake.

“Kay is going to be so mad he missed the Death Star blowing up,” Jyn said delightedly. “Should you tell him, or shall I?”

“Let me,” Cassian said. “He dislikes you enough already.”

“Can’t imagine why,” Jyn said. “I’m perfectly delightful.”

“And so modest.”

“ _Very_ modest. So modest I sleep in absolutely nothing at night,” she added for no reason at all other than to rib him. Cassian shot her a dark look.

“Why would you tell me that?” he said.

Jyn schooled her face into an innocent expression. “Because until tomorrow, when you are officially my commanding officer, I can say whatever I damn well please.”

He waved his hands at her as they walked, as if trying to push her words back at her. “I don’t need to know these things.”

“No? All this heat, and you’re telling me you sleep fully clothed.”

Cassian ignored her, looking very preoccupied with the settings on his wrist chronometer.

“Here we are,” he announced abruptly as they stopped at his door. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the briefing. I have to reprogram the droid.” He unlocked the door and grabbed the handle, his fingers gripped hard around it.

“Goodnight,” Jyn said, disappointed he wasn’t inviting her in but not about to let it show. They’d had a good night together, but now he was shutting her out. That sat a little heavy on her heart, but she knew she should have expected it.

However, as she walked away, his voice stopped her.

“Oh, and Jyn?” he called out, halfway into his room. She looked over her shoulder at him. “No sleeping naked on our ship. Captain’s orders. Only I get to do that.”

She gaped, picked up a small bottle of shampoo someone had left lying around, and hurled it at him.

It bounced off his door, and she growled.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn’s roommate has boyfriend drama, so Jyn can’t sleep. She goes to Cassian’s quarters in the hopes of getting some shut-eye and a snuggle, but Kaytoo is back and will have none of that. Draven briefs Jyn and Cassian on Rogue One’s very first officially sanctioned Alliance mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends. Repost here. Some of you lovelies called me on the first version of this chapter about how Cassian was being a class A dickhead, and you were totes right. What he did was a real dick move, and very OOC. So I rewrote it. TBH, when I wrote it the first time, I didn't feel right about it, and I should've listened to my writer's instinct. Hopefully this will go over better. I'm still planning on something else cropping up as a problem for them, though, so angst will still be on the way. Just hopefully not something OOC out of left field!
> 
> Thank you to everyone still reading and for the comments, kudos, subscriptions, and bookmarks! Extra thanks to those of you who keep with me and reread this new version here. :) 
> 
> P.S.: [aewgliriel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/aewgliriel/pseuds/aewgliriel), [ZiaLisa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ZiaLisa), and [NewLeeland](http://archiveofourown.org/users/NewLeeland), thank you for commenting on the old version and making me a better writer today. :)

Jyn’s roommate, a Sergeant Bonnaran, had a boyfriend in one of the starfighter squadrons and thus Jyn rarely saw her. Unfortunately, they were having some kind of fight, because Jyn woke up in the middle of the night to the woman sobbing. After she found out what was going on, she offered awkward, trite words of comfort, having no idea what else to say, and excused herself saying she needed to go to the refresher. After tossing and turning with insomnia and only falling into a light doze every now and then, and now this, Jyn was in a foul mood. Pulling on a thin bathrobe over her undershirt and sleep shorts (she did not, in fact, sleep naked as she’d told Cassian), she wandered the hallways, wondering what she could do for a bed. Baze and Chirrut had a room, she knew, but they’d have no extra room unless she slept on the floor between their bunks. Bodhi would be with someone else and would probably give up his bed, but she didn’t know his roommate, it could be awkward, and Jyn wouldn’t ever ask Bodhi to do that for her anyway.

Which left Cassian.

Rubbing one eye with the heel of her palm, just wanting to get some sleep, she padded down to the officers’ hallway and found Cassian’s room. Probably rude to wake him up if he was also sleeping, but she’d apologize and he could deal with it. She lightly knocked on the door. From inside the room she heard shuffling movement.

“Cassian, it’s me,” she whispered through the door.

It flew open.

“Intruder alert!” blared Kay-Too-Ess-Oh, fully alive once more. Doors banged open down the hallway, rebel officers jumping out of their quarters with blasters drawn. Cassian was already awake, blaster in hand and pointed straight at her.

“Nice to see you again, too, Kay,” Jyn said crossly.

“Jyn Erso,” the droid said in a pleased tone, while the bristling rebel officers looked on. He then turned to them. “I don’t know what you’re all staring at,” he said threateningly. “It’s rude.”

They grumbled and turned back into their quarters, some muttering curses. Cassian was sitting up in his bunk, rubbing his eyes when Jyn walked in and Kay shut the door.

“Jyn stopped by,” Kay said, as if that had been unclear.

“Yes, thank you, Kay,” Cassian replied. “Something I can help you with?” he asked Jyn.

“My roommate is inconsolable,” Jyn said. “Something about her boyfriend.”

Cassian looked at her tiredly, hands in his lap. “Killed in the line of duty?”

“Ah, no, I think they broke up. He’s a starfighter pilot.”

He snorted. “In that case, don’t worry about it. Flyboys are like that. They’ll be back together in a week.”

Jyn nodded. “Noted.”

Cassian peered closer at her, confused. “And…why are you here…?”

Jyn stifled a yawn. “I can’t sleep. Thought maybe you could help me out.”

“I probably could be convinced.”

Kay spoke up. “I can help with that, Jyn. I know where to get a listing of available bunks. Would you like me to find one for you? There are also a number of lounges throughout the base that have couches.” He paused, reflecting. “However, I cannot speak to the cleanliness or comfort of them.”

“Yeah, I’m not putting my face on those,” Jyn said. She kept her eyes on Cassian, wondering what to do about the droid.

Kaytoo just stared at both of them in Jyn’s peripheral vision. It was impossible to tell if he was oblivious or fully aware of what was going on. Jyn didn’t see any way she and Cassian were going to be able to share a bed tonight.

“You can have my bunk,” Cassian said after a moment, turning the covers back and getting out. He crouched down and pulled something out from under it. “I have a bedroll.”

Jyn watched as he shook it out over the floor, disappointed. But there was no other solution with Kay there. “Thanks,” she said. Cassian nodded and climbed into his bedroll, and Jyn moved over to his bed. It was still warm from him and smelled like him, and she curled up in a ball as she inhaled, wishing she’d just lain awake listening to Bonnaran’s howls. This was infinitely worse, being so close and yet so far away from him, unable to touch him in the dark when she so badly wanted to, and needed to.

“Goodnight, Jyn,” he said.

“'Night.”

There was a long moment of silence.

“Well, goodnight to you two as well,” Kay said indignantly. “I get shot to death bravely defending you, and you can’t even wish me goodnight. _Rude_.”

* * *

Cassian and Kaytoo were already gone when Jyn woke in the morning. She snuck out and returned to her quarters, knowing she was running behind schedule and hurrying along. Bodhi was extra chatty at breakfast, and she couldn’t get away until the exact time she was supposed to be at the meeting. At which point he asked for another cup of caf with a _“Pleeeeeease,”_ and of course she couldn’t deny him, so she wound up over ten minutes late to the briefing.    

Cassian and Draven were waiting, a flat look of disapproval on the general’s face but nothing, as usual, on Cassian’s. He didn’t say anything about Jyn’s arrival, just pushed a button on the holoprojector. “This is a list of the supplies we have,” he said to Draven. “It’s not much.”

“We’ll get you fully stocked,” Draven replied, before shifting his eyes to Jyn. “Try to be on time in the future, Erso.”

“Yes, sir,” she replied, with absolutely zero intention of doing so given his comically annoyed expression.

“The freighter is a good one, as you can see,” Draven continued, moving on to the next image. “Captain’s cabin, three other cabins with an extra bunk or two, main living space, heavy modified guns with a separate gunning turret, upgraded hardware and software both. A little glitchy in places, but that’s to be expected.” He clicked to the next slide. “Your destination: Verr. Andor, you know Sarya Med’ura. I know you two go way back.”

“We do,” Cassian said. “She’s there now?”

“She is. Long-term intel assignment. We need you back in The Hotspot to check on the latest Imperial gossip. You haven’t been there in, what, a year or two?”

Cassian rubbed his chin, thinking back. “That’s about right,” he said. “My alias there is solid.”

“Good.” Draven glanced at Jyn and briefly explained, “The city of Anelis on Verr is a hotbed for Imperial gossip, and Med’ura’s been passing us some really good info. Not sure what other use I have for you here, Erso. Andor could've briefed you. You didn't need to come.”

“She’s my second – ” Cassian started.

“I boost morale,” Jyn said pointedly as she stared Draven down, daring him to discount her. Draven, surprisingly, backed down and nodded.

“Well, just keep things on target this time, shall we? No rogue moves. No going against orders. Just do what the Alliance expects of you, Andor, and keep your team in line. Don’t give me any nasty surprises to read about in my morning briefing.”

“Trust me, that is the last thing I want,” Cassian said.

“Get going, then. Inform your team and be ready to ship out by noon. I’ll have supply crates sent over to the _Solar Windflare_.”

Jyn couldn’t help the disgusted look that spread across her face. “The _what_?”

Draven looked sympathetic. “I didn’t name her.”

“Thank you, General,” Cassian said, stepping in. “Sergeant?”

“You’re dismissed,” Draven said. “May the Force be with you.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rogue One gets their new, crappy freighter and gears up for their very first mission together as an official Alliance unit. Things begin to get just a little bit dirty in the laundry room. To be continued….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone still reading, commenting, kudosing, subscribing, and bookmarking! I'm behind on replying, but I WILL get to you, friends, I promise! <3

Princess Leia and Jyn had two very different opinions on what “a ship you will like” meant. A duffel slung over her shoulder, a variety of weapons strapped around her, Jyn stopped dead at the top of the _Solar Windflare_ ’s ramp.

“Alliance pranking,” she said to Cassian. “Popular pastime?”

“No,” he said, squeezing past her and causing her side to spark with the contact. “Why?”

“Because this has to be a joke.”

“I’ve seen worse.” He unloaded his stuff in a pile in a corner, blasters and weapons belts clanking together. “It’s a good ship, solid, seen some battle. I’ve used it a few times.”

“Oy, move, would you?” Bodhi said to Jyn, hauling giant containers up the ramp by the handles. “Cassian, Draven said these’re for you. What are they?”

“Supplies,” Cassian said, taking them from Bodhi. “Jyn, off the loading ramp.”

“But it was so comfortable,” Jyn muttered as she moved off.

Bodhi rapped his knuckles against the interior of the ship. “Good ship, indeed!” he said brightly, as if trying to convince everyone. A panel covering a tangle of wires immediately fell off. He tried to catch it and bobbled it before it landed on the ground with a loud metallic clang.

“The sense of success!” Chirrut exclaimed as he boarded. “This ship has seen many a good fight.”

“Well, at least Chirrut is happy,” Jyn said. “I claim biggest cabin.”

“You’ll have to fight the captain on that,” Baze said.

“Biggest room besides _his_. I’m not sharing with any of you, so fight it out amongst yourselves.”

“He gets a private _refresher_?” Bodhi moaned from the back of the ship, where he was poking his head in all the cabins. “I don’t want to share with the rest of you lot!”

“How do you think _I_ feel?” Jyn asked. “None of you have any manners, presumably, and you’ll be walking in on me all the time.”

“ _I_ won’t,” Bodhi said defensively.

“I’m blind,” Chirrut added.

“And I’m tired,” Baze said. “Do you have any idea how old I am?”

“The Empire actually had really nice refreshers,” Bodhi said as he rejoined the group. “Online shopping terminals in every one.”

Jyn wrinkled her nose. “Disgusting, Bodhi. Thanks for sharing.”

“Hey, I got a really good deal on a necklace for my mom once! It was a flash sale.”

“Sounds like a _refreshing_ deal,” Baze, of all people, deadpanned, and Chirrut, of all people, snickered.

“Just stop, all of you,” Jyn said, pushing through the crowd. “I’m going to go put my stuff away.”

“And I’m going to go introduce myself to this lovely lady,” Bodhi said with reverence toward the ship, interlacing his fingers and pushing them out. “Always wanted to fly one of these. Not the fastest, definitely problems in the servomotors and hydraulics in places, but the engines are solid. You can redline it if you try, but I wouldn’t recommend that given….”

His voice faded away as Jyn walked further down the access hallway to the crew cabins. She looked in each one until she found one she liked. Sheets were strewn haphazardly over every single mattress, like no one had cleaned the ship up after leaving it. With a growl, she dumped her bag and weapons and went from room to room, gathering the sheets.

A small laundry was located next to the crew cabins, and Jyn tossed a load in. The previous crew had left congealing detergent dribbling down the sides of the bottle (obviously a bunch of slobs had crewed the _Windflare_ last), but beggars couldn’t be choosers, and she wasn’t about to let it go to waste. Wanting to stay out of the way of everyone – already feeling claustrophobic – Jyn pulled her datapad from its hip pouch and scrolled through the mission briefing as she sat with her back against the wall. The ship lifted off the ground an hour later (Bodhi had painstakingly preflighted it, taking an absurd amount of pleasure in the process), and she’d just thrown in the last load along with her own clothes that she hadn’t had time to wash before leaving Yavin Base. She didn’t bother folding the sheets, just deposited them on everyone’s bunks and considered it her good deed for the week.

Twenty minutes later the dryer dinged with the last load, and Jyn flung open the door, already sick of doing laundry. She hated anything and everything domestic, and the fact that her first job on this new mission, as part of an official Rebel Alliance crew, had been to do their linens, rankled her. She yanked too hard on the tangled mess of clothes and linens, and her clothes went flying all over the tiny room. A pair of underwear skidded to a stop by the door…

…right as Cassian dropped by.

Jyn paused mid-step on her way to get the garment, and instead set her foot back down, shifting her weight to affect a cool posture.

“Everything going smoothly so far?” she asked, hands in her back pockets.

He nodded. “We made the jump to lightspeed about ten minutes ago. We’ll be there in twenty-three hours.”

“Long trip, then. I’m just finishing up here.”

“Thanks for doing this. A bunch of Rodians crewed this ship before us.”

“I thought I smelled something funny in the air.”

“Well, Bodhi promised to cook us a snack that he didn’t sound too confident about, so burnt food might clear the air of that.” He looked down at her underwear on the floor and bent to retrieve it, because of course he’d seen it. He didn’t miss _anything_. “Yours?” he asked unnecessarily.

“Baze’s,” she said. “Flowers suit him.”

“I’m surprised.”

“So am I. Who knew Baze was such a softie underneath that rough exterior?”

“I meant that I would’ve expected something more practical from you.” He tossed the garment to her, and she snatched it out of the air, feeling her cheeks warm at him seeing such a private part of her. “White cotton or something.”

“Given this thought, have you?” she said, stuffing the cloth under a tunic and pants. “Hands off my underwear, _Captain_.”

Cassian hit the closer on the door, and Jyn retreated backwards in the room, feeling heat bloom through her. The night before in his quarters had been torture, listening to his breathing in the darkness, her fingers drifting along him as he slept, wishing she could sleep, too, but knowing there was no way she could with him so near.

“So,” he asked, picking up a corner of the sheet closest to him. “How’d you sleep?”

“Terribly,” she replied, watching his fingers smooth the linen. “You?”

“Just fine, minus the fact that someone kept touching me all night.”

Jyn refused to let herself blush, and yet she did anyway. “What a pervert,” she said.

“Exactly my thoughts.” She watched as he fingered the old cloth, his eyes downcast. She knew he was thinking something through, and the sight of him so vulnerable in that moment made her heart ache for him. She longed to reach out to him, to…comfort him?…she didn’t know…but she did know she needed to let him be. “Listen, Jyn,” he finally said, his voice quiet. “There’s something I have to say. This…whatever this is…not that it has to be anything…or not anything…or a thing at all…but…I’m new at this. I’m bad at this. I’m not used to working on a team. I’m not used to…someone caring about me all that much. I mean, someone who’s not Kay. I know you care, Jyn, and it just…it feels weird. It doesn’t come naturally, and it doesn’t make me comfortable. I just feel like you’re better off without me mucking your life up. Yours is already bad enough, and I’ve made it worse. I know I’m going to screw this up.”

Startled by his honesty, Jyn didn’t reply. She couldn’t find the words. She didn’t know if she even knew them. Her brain desperately cast around for something to say, but couldn’t find anything.

Cassian looked up at her, and the look in his eyes made her feel even worse for staying silent. “Will you please say something? Believe it or not, that wasn’t easy for me.”

“I know,” Jyn said, picking up her corners of the sheet and beginning to fold it. “Because it was the truth, right?”

He raised his eyebrows at her, as if he were incredulous that she even had to ask. “Yes. Because it was the truth, and because I don’t do…you know…that stuff.”

“Feelings?” Jyn suggested. “Being honest? Not lying about everything? Actually being yourself, whoever that is and whatever that means?”

 _“Yes,_ _"_ he said irritably. “All of that.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jyn said, waving it off even though it made her heart soar and she longed to hear more of it. But she had to get them back onto even footing again, onto ground she was more familiar with. Maybe minimizing his admission would help. “I’ve slept with guys for less.”

Maybe not that, though, she realized as Cassian cocked his head at her in thought. “Really, you’ve actually _slept with_ guys for telling you worse things?”

“When I was lonely or needed something, yes,” she said. “Like you haven’t slept with someone for the Alliance.”

“No, I have,” he said. “Doesn’t mean I like it.”

“That is fascinating to me.” Jyn said, taking that topic and running with it, because it was so much easier than the _other_ topic. She tugged on the sheet to indicate he should start folding it. “Draven actually orders you to do that?”

“Not explicitly, no. Just tells me what the target is, and sometimes that involves cozying up to someone.”

“So what I’m hearing is, you’re a master of seduction.”

Cassian shrugged a little, self-deprecating as always, even about this. “I’ve never heard it put that way, but it’s a skillset.”

Jyn smiled. “You are terrible with women. I can tell that from a kilometer away.” The sheet folded, Jyn stacked it on a rickety tray table and picked up another one, tossing the end to him again.

“I’m not trying,” he said. “And it’s different. It’s not _me_ , it’s an alias. Someone who’s…I don’t know how to say it….”

Jyn chuckled. “Smoother?”

He smiled a little, running his finger along the hem of the old, worn sheet. “Yeah, that, I guess.” He glanced up at her, but her eyes were already on his. “You seem _very_ interested in this aspect of my work. I do a lot of other stuff, you know.”

“I know,” Jyn said. “But this somehow seems the most wrong. Especially since that old codger Draven orders it. You sold your soul to the Rebellion; he makes you sell your body, too.”

She’d hit a nerve. His hand fisted the sheet, and she waited in regretful silence, wishing she’d never said anything. She hadn’t meant anything cruel by it.

“It’s not like that,” he finally said, but he didn’t sound convinced. “Leave it alone, Jyn.”

She relented, glad he’d told her to back off and again wishing she’d let it drop. It had come from a place of indignation on his behalf, but she certainly hadn’t telegraphed that well. “The truth hurts sometimes,” she said gently. “Lies can be easier.”

His eyes were on hers, seeing deep into her the way he always could. “Such as the lie you’re telling yourself about why you’re still talking about this with me.”

Jyn frowned, feeling off-balance. “What do you mean?”

Cassian shrugged, the sheet forgotten between them, and she could _feel_ the shift. He was no longer bothered by the topic; in fact, it appeared he felt like he’d taken control and had the upper hand with it. Maybe he even did. “You’re not interested in Intelligence work. You’ve told me as much yourself. In fact, you’ll tell everyone who’ll even _listen_. But yet you’re still discussing this _particular_ aspect of my work, something that I have never brought up and don’t actually care to discuss. Where is the truth in _your_ lie, Jyn?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, lovelies, get ready for the next chapter on Monday, because it is The Chapter. Jyn and Cassian are going to get it on like Alderaan. It would’ve been this chapter, but – don’t hate me? – the smut got so long I had to split the buildup and the actual smut into two chapters (this one and the next). HOWEVER, I posted a cut smut scene from this work to tide you over, since this has been such a slow burn. It's right [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11063796)!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian’s first time. It's long. Hope you don't mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friends. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t make you wait till Monday. I’m so excited to show you this scene, and I really hope you enjoy it. I probably won’t post again till next Thursday, though, because I double-posted today and I still have some snags to work out with the first mission. I really hope you enjoy this chapter – I know you’ve been waiting for it!
> 
> P.S. TBH I couldn't resist when [KaCole](http://archiveofourown.org/users/KaCole/pseuds/KaCole) called me wicked for leaving everyone with that cliffhanger in chapter 7. My arm is apparently very easily twisted.

Jyn gave him a smile and hoped it would get _him_ to back off. “Simple, sheer curiosity.”

“Curiosity,” he repeated, and he yanked on his end of the sheet, causing her to stumble a couple steps closer to him in the small room. “Curiosity about…what, exactly?”

Jyn swallowed and looked up into his eyes. He was too close, and he smelled too good. Freshly showered on top of the intoxicating way he usually smelled. An alarm begin to ding back in Jyn’s mind, telling her to _stop, stop, stop_ , and why had she even pushed this, anyway?

“About you,” she finally said. She knew it was a bad answer, and that she was quickly losing ground.

“There’s lots to be curious about me,” Cassian said. “I have a whole history of messed-up, awful, dark secrets. Things that would give you nightmares. Things that _do_ give me nightmares. I have stories from the blandest planets you’ve ever seen to the most beautiful, they literally take your breath away. Take your pick of any of that, and I’ll tell you all you wanted to know and more than you ever needed to know. Is that not enough?”

“Wow, that’s dark,” Jyn said, trying to backpedal from this conversation.

“So is that part of my past, that part you want to know about.” The sheet dropped from his hands as he stepped up to her. He leaned down and pressed his forehead against hers. “Tell me why you want to know, Jyn.” His voice had lowered in pitch to something…almost…Jyn couldn’t quite find the word….

Her breath caught in her throat as her mind found it.

_Seductive._

He was using those spy skills on her he'd just downplayed.

“Cassian, don’t,” she said in a breathy, feeble voice, her pulse hammering through her words, her hand pushing weakly at his shoulder.

“You wanted to know,” he said in the same tone, now taking her by the waist and pulling her to his hips. “Tell me why,” he said again.

“Just…curiosity!” she said, but she was sputtering, because now his lips were at her neck, softly kissing a line down to her shoulder.

“Curiosity about _what_?” Cassian asked. “My past? How terrible I am with women? Or maybe you’re simply curious about how I achieved my mission goals. How _exactly_ I achieved them. What I did. How I did it. The details.”

He was weakening her so quickly. Jyn felt so pliable, under the spell of his words, and worse, she had absolutely no desire to fight them. She'd never admit it to him, but what he was doing sent tingles surging through her entire body and plunging to her belly.

His hand began sliding down her front until it hit her belt buckle.

“No, no, no,” she said. “Don’t you dare.”

“I know you were thinking about it,” he said. “I could see the flush on your face. I could feel you trembling. I saw your smiles when you thought I wasn’t looking.” He kissed below her ear, then across her jaw, so, _so_ close to her lips, just dropping the tiniest of kisses into the corner, and moved back to her ear. His next words came on a breath: "Do you want to sleep with me, too, Jyn?" His tongue touched below her ear before he sucked at the spot. “You’ve got my attention and my pulse up. I don’t say this lightly or often, but right now I am begging you to let me touch you.”

Jyn’s eyes closed, her head fell back against the wall, and her hands came up to clasp around his neck. Her breaths were already coming hard, her heart racing. She swallowed, trying to regain her composure, but her head would not stop spinning. Finally she got herself a little bit under control and tipped back toward him, her forehead landing on his shoulder. He caught her, his hands cupping the back of her head. She raised herself up enough to reach his face, and she whispered three words into his ear:

“Touch me, Cassian.”

He took her invitation and pulled her harder against him, and then his hands roved over her. Jyn kissed his neck, her hands exploring him, too, reveling in the feeling of his body beneath his shirt and the way he moved and shifted as he touched her. Finally, what felt like agonizing moments later, he tilted her face up with his hands and kissed her, and her mouth opened beneath his after only a couple seconds. Jyn absolutely melted beneath him, stumbling against the wall at the force of his kiss.

“The others,” she gasped.

“Screw ’em,” he said, hitting the lock to the door and pushing her against the wall. His whole body, every part of him, touched hers, and as he continued kissing her, she was acutely aware of his arousal. A thrill of her own excitement raced through her at what she had elicited within him. His hands were at her waist again, fingers in her pants’ waistband, hips against hers, forcing himself into his own agony of need, his hips moving up into hers every so often when he shifted positions to kiss her.

Then he stopped kissing her lips, kissing down her jaw, her neck, across her shoulder, before returning to her face again and kissing across to her ear. His hand was at the closures to her pants again, and he deftly slipped his fingers not only into her pants, but into her underwear as well, sliding them further down. Jyn’s breath caught yet again when she felt him finally touch her right _there_ …and then he waited.

“What do you like?” he asked, and once more, the command: “Tell me.”

“I…I….” She fumbled for a response she didn’t have. Couldn’t articulate because she didn’t _know_. “I don’t know?”

“You have to have _some_ idea,” he said, bending his fingers so that they curled into her ever so slightly, tempting, teasing. His voice dropped lower. A sensual whisper. “When you’re with yourself, all alone at night, with no one around, nothing to distract you, it’s just you, what do you do? What do you think of?” He paused, though it stretched for enough heartbeats that if Jyn did know one thing, it was that he was waiting on purpose. “ _Who_ do you think of?”

“Please don’t ask me that,” she said quickly, her voice failing her, and it was answer enough.

“Okay, I won’t, but you just got a whole lot wetter.”

Jyn closed her eyes tight, embarrassed. “Oh, stars, no…I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can,” he said in a gentle voice. “You can. I’ll be with you.” He withdrew his hand from her pants and placed his palms on her cheeks, his warm eyes on hers. “Has no one ever taken care of you before?”

Jyn felt herself reddening. “Cassian….”

“Don’t. It’s okay.”

She felt her features harden. “No. It’s been all about them and never about me. Just some guy wanting a quickie, and I was lucky if I got anything out of it at all.”

“Me, too,” he said, tilting her head down a little to kiss the top of it. “Other than the obvious, I’ve rarely enjoyed it. It’s almost always been about a quick release. Except for some of the other spies in the past, which I would say were more friends than anything else, it’s never been anything more.” He paused, and Jyn looked up to see him pensive. She waited until his eyes met hers again. “Do you ever wonder how it’s supposed to be?”

“All the time,” she said.

“Me, too.” He kissed her again, slow and full of promise, took her hand, and said, “Come with me.”          

Cassian unlocked and opened the door, then shot a quick glance down the corridor. The crew was in the main hold, chattering away as they hurtled through hyperspace, and Cassian quickly pulled Jyn the opposite way to his quarters. He locked his door and led her over to his bunk, which he’d already made up with her freshly washed sheets, and they tumbled down.

He kissed her then, his hand sliding down into her underwear again. “I won’t do anything you don’t like,” he said. “I _will_ do whatever you ask of me.”

“Okay,” Jyn said quietly. But she didn’t know if she actually _could_ ask, and even if she could, what she’d ask for.

“I’ll be right by your side,” Cassian said, and Jyn took a deep breath. His hand moved just a little further down, and she felt his warm, soft breath on her neck and shoulder. The tips of his fingers pressed into her just a little, and that was okay. She could handle that. He moved further down, pushing into her ever so slowly, until he was far enough in that he could curl his fingers up to find her most sensitive spot. Her breath rushed into her lungs with a gasp. “Okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, her voice tightening as he rubbed over the spot. He added his thumb outside her, stroking slow, delicate circles, building her up bit by bit.

He kissed her lips again. “I want to kiss you,” he said.

Jyn smiled, her eyes meeting his. “You are kissing me.”

His face was earnest. Serious. “Not here,” he said, brushing his thumb across her lips. “Here.” His other thumb brushed her below. Jyn’s mouth opened, though she didn’t have any words to say, and then closed again, and she swallowed.

And before she could lose her nerve, she nodded.

Jyn stared up at the ceiling, fists clenching the sheets, as his weight shifted and he moved down the bunk. He unbuckled her belt, unzipped her pants, and maneuvered them and her underwear off with care. Jyn’s heart beat hard with nervousness, and her hand moved of its own accord to begin to cover herself up. But she didn’t, and she let him keep working. Her boots, her socks, her pants and underwear, a pile on the floor. Then his warm hands on her thighs, his breath warm on her as he moved closer, and then his mouth… _there_. A soft sound, a shaky sound, escaped Jyn’s mouth, and her hips twitched. He was so gentle – beyond gentle – his tongue tracing over her, painting her with tingles and desire everywhere it touched, then his lips kissing her thighs. She never knew he could be so gentle. She was so used to his harshness, how rough he was around the edges, a man who could kill without a second thought, with barely any notice. But she also knew another man, a man who had come back for her three times, who had embraced her on a beach on a distant world as they awaited death. A man who had changed for her and turned his back on everything he knew and believed in. Just for her. For her alone. For the hope she offered him.

The feelings swirling through Jyn, begging to be released, silently begging for him to lose the control he always had and insist on being inside her, wanted to come bursting out in hurried words. She raised her hand and pressed her fist to her lips, eyes shut tight. _Stars_ , she wanted him. So badly. If he was this good with his mouth alone – never mind his fingers – she could only imagine what kind of lover he was. It had already passed through her mind multiple times. While she didn’t like to think of how many women he’d had to sleep with for the Rebellion, or how many one-night stands or random hookups he’d had to relieve stress, another part of her found that part of him intoxicating, this seducer of sorts who knew exactly what to do with a woman. She desperately wanted him to make love to her, to show her everything he knew about lovemaking, to whisper to her in his native language, words of beauty or words of lust, to take her and own her body and make it feel things she had never felt.  

Jyn’s fingers gripped her face as his mouth and fingers slowly worked their magic on her, his fire spreading to her and burning her up from the inside out. Images flew through her mind, one right after the other, nonstop, of the two of them wrapped together making love. She’d thought about it on so many occasions, but now, feeling him actually on her, so close to being inside her, those images were on high-speed and would not stop.

She couldn’t take it any longer. The words finally burst out.

“Cassian, _please_ ,” she moaned, sitting halfway up and grabbing him beneath his shoulders to try to pull him up to her. “Please, I need you inside me. I can’t wait anymore.” She knew she was babbling, begging, and she couldn’t help it. She dimly felt like an idiot, but he had driven her into a place where she felt completely out of control of herself.

“I know, I know,” he said, his voice a gasp. He was up by her face again, hovering over her and breathing hard. “I need to be inside you, too.” Jyn kissed down his neck, one hand grabbing at the collar of his shirt and pulling at it to give her access to more of his tan skin. Desperate to touch any and every part of him. She rolled him off of her onto his back in one swift move, straddling him on her knees. Looking down at his pants, she saw they were stretched what had to be painfully tight over his arousal, and she started unbuckling and unzipping him. He helped her along, and his clothes soon joined her pile on the floor.

“Jyn, wait,” he said. “What about – ?”

“I’ve got it covered,” Jyn interrupted. “We’re fine.”

Cassian cupped her face and kissed her again, and soon he was removing her shirt and she his. Their arms twined around each other, holding each other tighter and tighter. They lay down on the bunk, Jyn’s leg thrown over his, hips pressed together. His fingers were in her again, massaging her, and she felt herself growing close to release. When she reached over to grasp him, he twitched at the contact, and her fingers became slick.

He already had his weight supported on his elbows, and she had her knees up, waiting for him. His hands were on her face again, his eyes locked on hers, and she was unable to look away. She kept her eyes on his as he moved one hand away from her and shifted to guide himself. Her breath entered her open mouth and lungs so slowly as she felt him push just as slowly into her in that inimitable first moment of entry. Then he broke eye contact, his forehead dropping to her chest.

He lifted his head back up and kissed her, and he began to move within her. She could feel him shaking, hear his shaky breaths, her him utter words in Festian that she couldn’t understand. Sometimes he whispered strings of them into her ear, sentences that sounded so seductive and sensual that she shivered and her pulse and arousal rose higher and higher. Other times, he just said her name, but the way he said it, it was as if even those three letters alone were too much for him to speak.

Jyn’s whole mind whirled in a frenzy at the feelings Cassian evoked with even his subtlest movement. He varied his pace, sometimes moving so slowly, backing himself off if he went too quickly, eyes closed and forehead on her shoulder as he focused, trying to hold his release back. When his breaths began to come too fast, he pulled her up into a sitting position with him and wrapped his arms around her back, rocking with her. He pressed his cheek against her shoulder, still whispering in his native language too quietly for her to hear, occasionally interspersing words in Basic.

“You’re so beautiful, my Jyn,” he said, her hair gathered in his hand at the back of her neck.  _“Eres todo lo que pienso.”_

Again she kissed him, deep and hard, her way of saying thank you, feeling his tongue slide over hers, as expert and skilled as when he’d kissed her lower. His hands skimmed down her back, causing her to shiver again, and they wrapped around her bottom, pulling her further onto him. She swayed her hips in time with his, letting him pull her closer so that he was even deeper within her. So, so deep, he touched every single part of her. He felt so thick, so hard, like he took up every little open micron of her. Now it was Jyn’s turn to lay her cheek on his shoulder, and he held her.

But then he leaned back slightly onto his hands so that her weight was pushing down on him, hitting her in a spot that made her feel dizzy every time. She wanted to curse at the delirious pleasure he was bringing her, but that didn’t seem right somehow. Didn’t feel right. Because this was lovemaking, she realized, pure and simple. It wasn’t fucking. It was her caring about a man, and a man caring about her, and showing each other just how they felt and just what that meant.

“Cassian,” she murmured, covering her face with her hands, biting down on her lip. She could barely stand what she was feeling now. Jyn closed her eyes and tilted her head up, running her fingers back through her hair and trying to catch her breath. Cassian sat back up to hold her, fingers running across her neck and caressing her back.

His question came on a breath in her ear. “Is this okay?”

She nodded, eyes still closed, focusing on the moment and nothing else. “Yes,” she breathed, opening her eyes to see him smile. “It’s good. It’s really good.”

Cassian kissed her shoulder. “Me, too,” he said in between kisses, and moved up into her again.

She needed to come, but she was too shy to say so. She just held onto him with her arms and legs and focused on him moving in and out of her. With another kiss on her lips, he lay her back down on the pillow, but he didn’t increase his pace. That was okay, though, for now. She could handle it a few moments longer. He captivated her at this moment, and her breath hitched in her throat at his simultaneous intensity and gentleness. Her eyes squeezed tightly shut again as she concentrated on everything she was feeling, but it was too much, too overwhelming. She brought shaking hands to her forehead to brush away stray locks of hair that had tumbled into her face, and arched her back into him. He kissed her chin as it jutted up, her neck as she exposed it, and she shivered.

His name slipped from her lips again – she couldn’t stop herself – his name so beautiful as she said it, something that had never happened to her before. She’d never concerned herself with saying her partner’s name or crying it out in ecstasy or whatever she was supposed to do to make him feel better about himself or his abysmal performance. But this…this was truly intoxicating, driving her into a space in her mind where she thought about nothing else except him, his body, his touch, and the feelings – both emotional and physical – he evoked in her.

Jyn raised her hand to his lips, and he kissed her fingers, then took them into his mouth one by one as he moved, his other hand still supporting himself on the bunk. Then her hand moved over his shoulder and around his neck, nails biting into his skin. After multitudes of achingly pleasurable, long minutes, he brought her close, close, close. She held off, her head spinning, wanting their moment to last as long as possible despite desperately needing release, until finally, she couldn’t hold herself back any longer. She’d already been waiting so long. Months and months, possibly years. The wave overtook her, crashing and pounding through her whole body, and she held onto Cassian even tighter.

He noticed, of course, and she saw the change in him. It was as if her own pleasure had broken his concentration and forced him to a place he could not easily retreat from. She watched him struggle to hold himself back, as she had done earlier, possibly trying to distract himself with thoughts of missions and mundane details to prolong their time together even more, but he couldn’t.

He didn’t need to. He needed to be able to let go, to give up some control, to enjoy something.

Jyn arched her neck up, and she spoke into his ear as he focused so hard: “It's okay, Cassian. You can let go.”

He broke immediately at her words, and she held his head to her chest and felt his racing heartbeat, his breath warm against her throat. She closed her eyes again and sank her head deeper into the pillow, willing her own pounding heart to quiet.

They lay there, content with one another. Cassian appeared to have dozed off, his head cradled in Jyn’s left arm as her right hand caressed his back. She dozed, too, inhaling the scent of the room and his sheets and him.

The scents of peace. Of happiness.

Of _home_.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the chapter before, Cassian assigns ship duties no one likes, and Jyn and Cassian get ready for their first undercover assignment together (and Jyn is not too jazzed when she finds out about her alias).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, peeps! Lots going on. Some rough stuff.
> 
> As always, thank you ever so to everyone still following and for your kind comments. I may take awhile to reply because life, but I do read them the minute I get them, and they warm my little nerdy heart and I read them over and over. Love you guys. You keep me going when things suck. <3

“What did you say earlier?” Jyn asked, the covers tangled about their bodies and fingers mingling with one another’s. _“Eres todo…?”_

“Oh.” He colored a little, and Jyn would have believed all the stars in the galaxy would have burned out first before Cassian Andor would blush. But he did. Just a little. _“Eres todo lo que pienso._ ‘You’re all I think about.’ Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I….” He circled his finger in the air, obviously trying to find the word in Basic. “Revert.”

Jyn smiled up at him. “That’s cute.”

“Oh, well….” He looked down, bashful again, the flush deepening a little more.

Jyn settled her head back on his chest, fingers dancing with his, staring at the dented ceiling. For a long moment, neither of them spoke, and she was content to lie with her head on his chest, feeling his breaths come in and out, in and out. There didn’t seem to be any need to talk, and she relished that. Their bodies had already done all the talking, and that was fine. Jyn’s eyes closed, and she longed to drift off again, but she knew the others were probably highly suspicious by now.

Regretting every single word she had to say, she said, “We need to get back out there. We are on board with a very, very nosy crew.”

Cassian agreed – obviously as reluctant as she was – and they quietly dressed, more comfortable around one another than they’d ever been.

 

Ten minutes later, Cassian had called them all into the main hold to discuss crew duties. Baze had a disgruntled look on his face, Chirrut looked agreeable, Bodhi sat straight and ready to take orders, and Jyn thought about all the things she was not about to do. If they thought all the domestic responsibilities were going to fall to her, they had another thing coming. Kaytoo hovered threateningly, trying to intimidate.

“We should think about our strengths and where we can best utilize our skills,” Cassian said, and Jyn couldn’t help the memory that leapt into her mind of their bodies together. She felt her cheeks warm and fought to keep her face straight and not smile. He glanced at her and quickly looked away.

“There is a seventy-two percent chance that Bodhi is more than adequate at cleaning ’freshers,” Kay said. “His Imperial training lends his skills well to tidiness and order.”

“I do more than just clean toilets,” Bodhi said with a glare at the droid. “I can do other things. Lots of other things. Neat things.”

“Bodhi, you’re on cleaning duty,” Cassian said, making a note on his datapad as Bodhi groaned. “I don’t suppose anyone here cooks.”

Chirrut didn’t say anything, but Baze scoffed. “Give that to Bodhi, too. He’s the one who stocked the galley with ten different spices and sauces from Jedha.”

“Just because you travel light doesn’t mean everyone else has to forgo all the comforts of home,” Bodhi shot back. “I miss Jedhan food.”

“Then you’re cooking, too, Bodhi,” Cassian said.

Bodhi groaned again. “I didn’t say I _can_ cook. I just like seasoning my food.”

“One of us is hiding a valuable skill,” Chirrut said, and pointedly looked at Cassian. Cassian sighed.

“Fine,” he said, jotting a note. “I’ll cook.”

Jyn raised her eyebrows. _“You cook?”_

“There’s a lot I can do that you don’t know about,” he replied, not looking at her, and the undercurrent in his voice, meant just for her, made her flush a little. Again.

The slow place of the conversation clearly started to work Cassian’s nerves, though, and after a few more minutes of assigning duties, he said in a voice starting to show some tension, “Someone needs to do laundry. We’re not all going to do our own loads.”

“You guys are not washing my underwear,” Jyn said sharply. Bodhi burned bright red, but Baze and Chirrut didn’t look fazed. “And if you think for a second I’m washing _your_ disgusting underwear, you had better think again.”

Kaytoo offered his always helpful opinion. “Cassian keeps a very clean laundry regimen.” Jyn looked up at him.

“Good to know,” she said. “I’m sure we’re all very happy that burning question has finally been put to rest.”

“Kay,” Cassian said, showing absolutely no sign he found the joke funny, “you’ll do everyone’s laundry.”

“I most certainly will do nothing of the sort!” the droid said indignantly.

 _“Sort!”_ Baze howled at the droid’s unintentional pun, pounding a fist on the table so hard the whole thing shook.

Kaytoo continued, “This is an appalling waste of my resources, Cassian, and furthermore, an insult! Your judgment has gone down dramatically since you lot all came into our lives.” He turned glares on the rest of the Rogue One crew. Cassian looked like he was about to blow.

“Jyn, keep the weapons in working order,” he said. “Bodhi, actually, I want you focusing on ship maintenance. Baze and Chirrut, you can clean.”

“I don’t clean,” Baze stated flatly. “Except blasters and Imperial filth.”

“I don’t care what any of you say you do or don’t do!” Cassian snapped, his heavy Festian accent coming out full force. “You’re my crew, and I say you do what I’ve assigned you. First rule: no complaining!”

He got up from the table, spouting off in Festian, and proceeded to stalk into the cockpit and close the door.

“It is against my programming to translate that,” Kay said.

“I think we got the gist,” Jyn replied.

“What’s his problem?” Baze asked.

“He’s overheated and flushed,” Kay said. “He might be coming down with a virus. I will test him. Jyn, I noticed you both were gone awhile. Were you doing laundry that whole time? You should test yourself as well to be sure. He could be contagious, and the Rebellion is often short on medications.”

“I’ll get right on that,” Jyn said. “Thank you.” The rest of the crew looked at her for an explanation. “What?” she added innocently. “There was a lot of dirty laundry to do.” They didn’t say anything, just kept looking at her expectantly. “A _lot_.”

* * *

That night, Jyn tossed and turned, unable to stay asleep for long. Once she finally did get to sleep, she woke, screaming, the man in white haunting her. The door whooshed open and the entire crew rushed in, much to her horror and chagrin.

“I’m _fine_ ,” she said, waving them off. Baze and Cassian were both armed, and Bodhi looked ready to attack with his pillow. Chirrut’s brow was furrowed, and Jyn kept her eyes on him for comfort, knowing he could sense what she’d experienced. “Bad dream.”

Cassian told everyone else to go back to sleep, but he stayed by her side, his hand cupping her shoulder. He clicked his blaster’s safety back on and set the weapon to the side.

“I’m sorry,” he said, but that just made her feel worse.

Jyn turned over, her back to him. “It’s not a big deal,” she said. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.”

“Please stop talking.”

He did, but he didn’t leave. Instead, he moved her sweaty hair back from her neck and ran his hand gently down her arm. Then he gave her a kiss on her temple, picked his blaster up, and stood. At the door of her room, he said one last thing:

“If you need me….”

Jyn ignored him, and her door slid quietly shut.

 

An hour later, Jyn still lay wide awake. The cold sweat had cooled on her body, but the nightmare still stayed attached to her. She wanted to go to Cassian’s cabin and let his warmth and presence dispel her darkness, but she hadn’t worked up the courage yet. She kept flip-flopping back and forth, until finally, when she was on the verge of going but still talking herself out of it again, she decided to just _go_ and forced herself out of bed. His cabin was right next to hers, and she knocked quietly on the door. She heard his voice on the other side grant her access.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she stood just inside the door, toying with her hair. “I just….”

He didn’t say anything. Just turned the covers back. Invited her in. He knew exactly what she needed, exactly what not to say. Jyn approached hesitantly, the nightmare already starting to lose its hold, her heart beginning to pick up speed as she remembered their earlier closeness. Each step closer to him in the small room made the nightmare disappear more, and heat began to work its way through her lower body, replacing the fear, and she wondered if this had been a mistake.

Jyn climbed into the bed with him in the chilly ship, and he closed the blankets over them, pulling her close. He kissed her neck, right below her ear, making her shiver.

“Goodnight, Jyn,” he whispered.

“G’night,” she said quickly, wondering if sleep was any more likely now than it had been before, and doubting it so, so very much.

 

When Jyn woke, Cassian was still wrapped around her. She had feared he would retreat and run away, but he hadn’t. To be fair, she didn’t know him all that well – at all, really – but she didn’t imagine he was the kind of man to stay around in the morning after…well, any of it, really. The lovemaking, her need for comfort. She really expected him to have bolted before she’d awoken.

But he was there. He was still there.

Furthermore, so was she.

She was used to bolting, too.

They were lying with his body curled against her backside, and she rested silently until a low alarm went off on his wrist chrono. He stirred, turned it off, and wrapped his arms around her once more, burrowing his face into her shoulder.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Good morning,” she replied. She turned over in his embrace. “Sleep well?”

“ _Very_ well.” He looked peaceful again, and Jyn couldn’t help but smile. Cassian leaned forward to give her a kiss, and for a few moments, they just kissed quietly.

It was all too close, though, too dangerously close to talking about feelings and emotions and all that stuff neither of them excelled at or had any idea how to do, so Cassian changed the topic.

“We’ll be landing in a few hours,” he said. “I need to brief the crew. You’re probably not going to like your assignment.”

Jyn felt cold spread throughout her body, dousing the warmth. He hadn’t told her something. She frowned. “Wait a minute, Cassian. Why am I just now hearing about this?”

“Draven’s orders.”

“Don’t do this. Don’t go back to that.”

“Back to what?”

“Don’t play coy with me again, either,” she said. “Don’t try to talk your way around this.”

He knew exactly what she meant, and he sighed. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. Again. This is going to take some getting used to. I haven’t worked as part of a team for a long time. You’re all just going to have to be patient with me.”

“I can’t speak for the others, but I will do my best,” Jyn assured him. “Now what’s this thing I’m going to hate?”

 

Jyn did, indeed, hate her assignment. Bodhi was happy to stay on the ship with Kay, delightedly going over ship trivia, and Baze gleefully accepted his duty of silent bodyguard. He and Chirrut would both be following Jyn and Cassian at a distance and stake out the dive they’d be in, in case something went wrong and they’d have to shoot their way out of there.

“The local ale had better be good,” Baze said, and somehow made it sound like a threat. Jyn ignored the chatter out in the main hold, stuck in the refresher with a makeup kit from Intelligence trying to figure out how the hell to apply it. Her alias was named Mina Talluv, girlfriend to one of Cassian’s longest-held alibis, Penn Treke. Mina had short hair and wore a lot of makeup. Why, Jyn didn’t know, but she had conjured up a variety of perverse reasons, all of which had to do with Draven’s pleasure. Jyn Erso had never once worn makeup in her life, and here she was, getting ready to go on her very first undercover assignment for the Alliance, staring dubiously at the instructions that came with the makeup kit and not sure how to tell the difference between a lip pencil and a cheek pencil and what use either had if she couldn’t use them to kill or maim anybody. Cassian passed by, already dressed for his part in unfairly tight-fitting trousers, knee-high boots, and a loose tunic, and backtracked when he saw her.

“Need help?” he asked.

“Punching you?” she retorted. “Yes. Start with your face first.”

“I’ve seen plenty of female agents do makeup.”

“Your idea is so creepy, I am not even going to touch it.”

“It’s just another disguise.” He stepped into the small refresher behind her, but she swatted him.

“Get out, get out, get out,” she said. “I kick, too.”

“Oh, I know you do.”

Jyn reached out and swiped cosmetics down his cheek before he could react. “Oh, those are just fetching on you, Captain Andor,” she said. “The green really brings out the annoyance in your brown eyes. And the pink is just so delicate on your skin tone. Where _do_ you get that fabulous tan?”

He left, rubbing at his face and growling at her. She gave the makeup her best shot and hoped this would all be over soon.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian and Jyn go undercover to ferret out Imperial gossip at a skeevy dive. Jyn discovers what it’s like working with the Alliance’s best Intelligence agent using one of his most contemptible aliases. On the bright side, he’s still Cassian, and a dark corner is involved thanks to alcohol and the pervasive secondhand drug smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always, lovelies, for your continued reading and support. <3 And welcome to any new readers, too. :)
> 
> This was a fun one, but I’m nervous about if you guys will like it since it’s my first mission...and, uh, it kind of cray. You’ve been warned.

The Hotspot was a dive in the city of Anelis known to cater to a very particular, very bizarre clientele: alien species who were oppressed by the Empire, and yet still supported it anyway. Sarya Med’ura, Cassian’s Bothan Intelligence contact, would be meeting them there, catching them up on all the new gossip. She had already been briefed well ahead of time.

“Weapons check,” the gruff, burly bouncer said at the door. He patted Jyn down roughly and _very_ thoroughly. She, of course, had a blaster on her, a sidearm tucked into a forearm sheath. The bouncer chuckled when he found it. “Good to go.”

“Why don’t you keep your hands off my girl, all right?” Cassian said from behind her. Jyn didn’t react outwardly, but again her insides twitched at hearing his different accent. It was one like hers, from Coruscant, though she would be using a much different dialect for this mission. All trace of his Festian accent was completely gone, as if it had never been there at all.

The bouncer found Cassian’s blaster tucked into his waistband at the back of his pants, and let him through. Together they walked into the too-warm club, smoky with the byproducts of mind-altering drugs and glowing with lurid neon lights. Coruscant One, the main channel for the Empire’s propaganda, showed on the biggest holoscreen, while sports, a game show, a shopping network, and serene images from the Empire’s vast array of worlds showed on other screens.

“Well, do my eyes deceive me, or is it really you?!” blasted a voice. Jyn peered through the crowd to see a short Bothan with artificially purple-fringed white fur threading her way toward them. “Penn Treke, it’s a pleasure as always. You’d better get over here before we waste another second!”

Without further ado, she grabbed Cassian’s elbow and dragged him (Jyn following) around a dance floor and to the back corner, near a game table, another screen, a throng of aliens and a human couple, and a game utilizing a ball and two sticks other players moved around. Jyn watched as a Rodian hopped over the sticks and bounced the ball from knee to elbow to knee to shoulder. She’d never seen the game before.

“And who’s _this_?” Sarya Med’ura asked.

“This is my girlfriend, Mina,” Cassian said. “A rare gem of a woman, if ever there were one.”

“Pleasure!” Sarya said. “I’m Yarna.”

“Pleasure’s all mine,” Jyn said, shaking the Bothan’s hand. She’d been trying her new accent out on the ship – mostly cursing Cassian out loud for not giving her enough time to prepare. Seriously, what was Draven _thinking_ , sending her in without her own personal briefing? Was that some sort of nod of confidence in her, because she and Cassian had infiltrated the Citadel Tower on Scarif so well? Well, whatever he’d done, he had to have a good reason for doing it. He may have been an ass, but he wasn’t illogical, and he certainly thought things through.

Sarya quickly introduced everyone there, running through alien names too quickly for even Jyn to remember. Cassian clearly knew them, though, and chatted easily. He ordered beers for himself and Jyn, and when the dark drinks arrived in tall glasses, full to the brim, he reached over to the waiter’s tray and grabbed them himself. He handed one to Jyn, sloshing the liquid onto his hands and the top of her shirt, one she never would have worn on her own. It wasn’t all that scandalous or provocative, but she was used to military clothing – and that was what she wanted to be wearing right now. Luckily, she still got to wear pants, but her boots had been swapped for some insanely uncomfortable flat shoes that rubbed her feet in every single wrong way.

Jyn lifted the drink to her lips, but stopped and watched as Cassian drank a good third of his in one go. Was this him, or was this Penn? She took a sip, not wanting to become inebriated and lose her sharpness while undercover.

“So, what’s been kicking around lately?” Cassian asked Sarya. “Anything good? Any Rebellion news?”

His whole posture was different. The way he carried himself – loosely, not straight-backed as usual – the fidgety energy about him…. Jyn tried to squelch her growing discomfort with the whole situation, not entirely successfully. _It’ll be over soon_ , she told herself. _It’s just an alias. It’s not really him. Never mind how good he is at it. If he weren’t good, you wouldn’t have met him anyway._

It disturbed her that this all bothered her way too much.

Sarya shrugged and answered Cassian’s question. “Good enough.” She accepted a thin cig offered to her by a female Twi’lek and took a drag before passing it to Cassian, who took it from her with his thumb and first finger. “Some rumor’s been floatin’ around. Some big weapon the Empire had but the fucking rebels got rid of.”

Cassian snorted and put the cig to his lips. “That’s nerfshit.”

Jyn watched with a mixture of shock and fascination as he inhaled, though she kept telling herself she shouldn’t be surprised. He was an Intelligence agent. He took on roles. He did whatever he had to do. So what if he did something as small as smoking on an assignment? It wasn’t a big deal. This was downright tame compared to the other horrors he’d committed. She needed to get over it and let it go. She was no angel herself.

 _But he always knows what he’s getting with me_ , the traitorous thought crept in.

Then doubt followed on its heels. Doubt that whatever they had, the fledgling seed sprouting into the teeniest green plant pushing up through damp brown soil, would last. If she couldn’t handle Cassian being undercover, she’d, what, ask Draven not to send him? _“Please, General Draven, I don’t like when Captain Andor goes undercover. It’s icky.”_

Jyn shook her head, tossing the wig out of her eyes. If she couldn’t get a grip on herself _right now_ and just _get over_ whatever was eating at her about this, she would risk not only the mission, but tearing apart the whole Rogue One crew.

“Where would the Empire have come up with those kinds of resources for a superweapon, and further, found a way to hide it?” Cassian asked Sarya, looking at Jyn. She coughed pointedly as his smoke drifted into her face, and narrowed her eyes slightly. “Besides,” he continued, looking back to the Bothan and resting his hand at the small of Jyn’s back. The beer he’d spilled onto his hand seeped through the thin fabric of Jyn’s shirt and onto her skin. “How would the rebels have got rid of it anyway?”

“Blew it up, I guess,” Sarya said with another shrug. “Design flaw? I don’t know.”

“What kind of moron builds a flawed design?” Cassian said. He tightened his hand on Jyn’s back, and she fought the urge to clench her fists.

“Hey, wait, you guys talking about that giant weapon thing again?” the Rodian who’d been bouncing between the sticks asked. “You know, I got a buddy in the Imperial Navy, and he got a buddy who works in SpecOps, and _his_ buddy – ”

“Yeah, no one cares who your sources are, Miko,” Sarya interrupted. “Move on.”

 _“Anyway,”_ the irritated Rodian said with what appeared to be a Rodian glare, “I heard there was this massive attack on wherever the Empire keeps all their archives. Dunno where – that’s highly classified, of course – but the rebels somehow found out, and the assholes went and attacked. For no reason at all. No reason! I mean, what did they think we were hiding? Don’t they watch the news? But here’s the best part: they all died. All of them. _They all fucking died._ ” The Rodian let out a peal of laughter. “And they didn’t get _shit!_ ”

In a second, Cassian’s hand slipped under the back of Jyn’s shirt, fingers pressed against her skin to steady her. Reminding her. Or reprimanding her. At this point, her expression could be anything. She wanted to reply – wanted to say anything, to keep to her role – but she didn’t trust her voice enough. She remembered the bodies of the dead, broken and discarded by the Empire. She remembered the man in white. She remembered every brutal, awful second of Scarif. And these fuckers were talking about it like it was…no, they were _laughing_ about it.

“Tarkin’s gone, I heard,” Cassian said, deftly changing the subject.

“Tarkin was a big ol’ blowhard,” said the Twi’lek. “He just postured and pranced a lot. Like a big fat bird. One-a them with the big feathers, big plumage, just drags it around all day and pops it up for the ladies like, ‘Come here, you know mine is biggest.’”

“Ha!” Cassian exclaimed. “Good one. I didn’t like him much, either.”

“Your girl don’t talk much,” the Twi’lek said, squinting at Jyn. “You save your mouth for the bedroom, love?”

“ _Does_ she!” Cassian said, and his hand moved from her back to give her a firm slap on the behind. This time, without thinking, she actually turned and shoved his arm away.

“Ooh, and she fights back, too!” the Twi’lek laughed. “Come on, give us a chance.”

“Got nothing to say, thanks,” Jyn said, forcing her eyes not to narrow further.

Cassian shrugged, passed the cig over to Jyn, and nodded at it. She waved it off….

…and caught a whiff of clove.

Clove cigarette.

Clove aftershave.

Her father’s aftershave.

She felt like she was going to be sick.

“Excuse me,” she said through a suddenly tightened throat. “I need some fresh air. I have a lung issue.”

She tried to walk calmly to the side door she’d spotted when they’d walked in and she’d catalogued all their exits. Before she walked out, she looked back over her shoulder. Cassian was now involved in whatever the sticks-and-ball game was, looking like he was on the express flight to complete inebriation and loving every second of it.

Whether that was true, Jyn doubted, but she also recognized she had absolutely no idea either way.

She shook her head to herself and walked out. The air outside was clean, fresh, sharp, and she gulped it in. She’d begun to feel funny inside the building, her head getting muddled, and was glad for the air. Distracted, she didn’t notice someone had followed her, and cursed herself for the lapse.

“Tough night?” asked the female half of the human couple in their group. She pulled a vial out of a pocket, removed the stopper, and fished around for the sparkling threads inside. She held it out to Jyn. “Spice?”

Jyn waved this off, too. “No, thanks.”

The woman chuckled. “Good girl?”

“Only sometimes.”

The woman consumed the spice and didn’t speak for a moment. “I’m Ana,” she finally said. “Mina, was it?” Jyn nodded. “How do you know Penn?”

“We met at a club,” Jyn said, and ran an appraising eye over the dive. “Have to say it was much nicer than this one, though I never thought I’d be saying that. Makes me miss the place, even though it was damp and smelled bad and the lights didn’t work half the time.”

Ana nodded slowly, still chewing on her spice. “So how’d he come on to you?”

“Asked me a lot of questions about myself. Can’t say he was very subtle.”

“That sounds like our Penn.” Ana sounded proud, and Jyn forced a smile.

“So, you guys live somewhere safe, or you caught up in the Rebellion’s terror tactics?”

“No, we’re safe,” Jyn said. “Don’t mind I don’t tell you where, of course.”

“Of course.” The other woman finished her spice, her expression thoughtful. “He’s not been around in a while,” Ana said. “He’s good company when he is. Last time he was here, he had someone else. You know that, though, right?”

“I didn’t,” Jyn said, assuming it was Danali Malcomb, his old Intelligence partner from years ago.

“Yeah. Tall blonde. Pretty. Very pretty. Tough. Mouth on her.”

“Hm.” Probably Malcomb, but could be anyone, really. Who knew what disguise the other Intelligence agent was wearing? _Or it could’ve been someone he’d picked up here. A target or otherwise. Who knows?_

Ana pulled out a standard cig package and smacked the bottom before pulling one out. She didn’t bother offering the pack to Jyn. “Last I heard,” she said, “he knocked her up, left her with the baby.” Ana blew the smoke out, and Jyn blinked as it hit her full in the face. “Just might want to watch yourself. He may look good, but there’s someone under all that who just wants to have fun and not settle down. That’s why we don’t hear from him all that often.”

Jyn nearly burst out laughing. Cassian wanting to do nothing more than have fun? What a joke! When she got done being annoyed with Cassian about his alias and lack of prepping her well enough on undercover work, she’d have to ask him about _that_ story. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said somberly, as if she’d very seriously taken Ana’s advice to heart. “Thank you, Ana.”

“You’re welcome. We girls gotta watch out for men like him. Can’t trust nobody these days.”

“No, you certainly can’t,” Jyn said, and at least that was the truth and they could both agree on that for real.

Ana nodded at Jyn’s barely touched beer. “You going to finish that?”

Jyn glanced at it. “Probably not. You want it?”

“No. It’s yours. Maybe try loosening up. Have a little fun? War going on, but no need to stay so serious. Don’t worry. The Empire is going to win. They’re fighting the bad people. We’re on the right side. You know, I heard the rebels force children to fight for them.” She nodded at Jyn, her expression saying, “You should consider that awful fact.”

“You don’t have to convince me,” Jyn said in a bland voice. “I know they’re awful.” The lie sounded unconvincing even to her.

“Yeah, Sandi Marconi was talking about them on her show, _The War Hour_ ,” Ana continued. “They don’t do nothin’ what don’t benefit them. They don’t care about nobody’s lives, nobody’s freedom, nobody’s – ”

The door opened, and out came Cassian. Relief flooded Jyn’s body, even though he brought with him the thick, hot air from inside.

“Oh, you’re making a friend!” he said, taking Jyn’s hand in one of his while he polished off the last of his beer. His face was flushed, and he was sweating in the pervasive heat. He looked like he was enjoying himself, even though Jyn knew it was all a skillful lie by a master of deception. Cassian tilted his head back at the dive and tugged her hand. “Come back in. I’m lonely in there.”

“I’m fine out here,” Jyn said. “Need the fresh air. It’s too heavy in there.”

Ana snorted a laugh. “You really are a straight one, aren’t you? What’s the worry, honey? You can fly high just off the smoke in there. G’wan, go back in!” She pawed at them until they were back in the bar. “You should dance!” she said. “This place ain’t much, but it does have good music.”

Jyn tried to cover up her nervousness at being placed in _this_ awkward position now (she was pretty sure she had never danced in her _life_ ), but she didn’t have more than a second before Cassian pulled her into the middle of where all the dancing bodies were, pressed together in one big mass. Jyn’s awkwardness refused to abate, especially now that bodies were touching her on all sides, and Cassian leaned in to be heard.

“She’s right,” he said as his other hand tangled with her free one. “You should have more of your drink, Mina. It’ll help you loosen up.”

 _Well, fine._ If that was how this was going to be. Jyn tipped the tall glass to her lips and began drinking what was left of the warm beverage, wondering just how far she was supposed to go with this alias, with this mission. She could already feel the smoke in her nose again and its effects on her brain come back. It was heady, and she felt dazed, her view narrowing. The more she breathed, and the more she drank, the brighter colors were. The sharper and louder and truer the music was.

The softer Cassian’s skin was in her hand.

The more aware she was of his body touching hers.

She saw the sweat on his brow and collarbone from the stifling club. She smelled his unique smell, mingled with beer and cheap cigs and the intoxicating smoke.

Jyn’s hand ran up his arm, and his fingers cupped her elbows. Her eyes on his, feeling a contact high from the smoke, she finished up the beer. It was enough for a pretty decent buzz, but nothing where she’d lose control. The secondhand smoke was more of a concern on that end. Searching for a place to put the empty glass, she found a tall table with uneaten food and, not even caring that it wasn’t hers, thunked the glass down.

Then she rejoined Cassian amidst the rest of the dancers.

He pulled her to him, hands skimming up her body, breath hot on hers and making her own sweat burn hotter. Jyn pressed against him like the rest of the dancers with their partners, mind swirling dizzily, and suddenly she didn’t know who she was anymore or who he was, if it was her alias or herself or his alias or himself, but they were kissing and her fists were in his shirt, and she could feel how turned on he was and even though they’d just had their first time together the night before and it had been beautiful, Force, she wanted him _now_ , and she wanted him hard and rough. He kept them moving in time to the music even as he kissed her, and this was a new aspect of him, this ability, that he must’ve learned for some cover or another (maybe this one), and it was a bizarre and sharp contrast to the cold interrogator she’d first met, who’d destroy lives without hesitation.

Cassian tore himself away from her and grabbed her hand again, sweaty fingers gripping hers tightly, and led her away from the dance floor. He hurried through the dive, Jyn barely keeping up with him, his eyes darting every which way as, Jyn figured, he searched for a place for them to be alone. After only a few moments, he pulled her around a wall in the back and into a dark corner where the cleaning supplies were kept, and he crushed his lips to hers as he pushed her hard into the wall behind her. His fingers furiously worked her pants, and she was sure he broke a fastener on them. Jyn didn’t care, though, too occupied with getting him free of his own pants. Her mind kept spinning in a drugged daze, and she felt arousal so hot and wet she burned and tingled and felt she might come apart right there. Everything felt like it was simultaneously happening so fast and yet too slow. She was too rough pulling him out of his pants and his breath caught, and she gasped an apology and he said it was okay, then they were back to kissing each other so hard their lips would surely be swollen.

Cassian pressed her even harder against the wall, his arousal pressing into her bare skin and making her moan with need, and Jyn curled her fingers into his hair.

Voice pitched low with desire, he said, _in his own accent_ , and Jyn moaned to hear it again, “Tell me what you need.”

Jyn grabbed his shirtsleeves and _yanked_ , the fabric ripping somewhere at the seams, and she did not care, her mind full of vivid images and elation. He stumbled against her, caught himself. Her teeth grazed his neck, and she tasted the salt of his sweat, the heat and humidity pressing further in around her, threatening to suffocate her and stop her heart.

And she answered, her own accent, her own voice husky: “I need _you_.”

“Tell me how.”

She grabbed his collar in her fist. Yanked him toward her again. Let her lips drift right near his without touching them. “Don’t you dare be gentle.”

“I don't intend to be,” Cassian replied, catching her lips with his own again. “Now, don’t _you_ dare keep quiet like you did on the ride here. I want to _hear_ you.”

He picked her up, quickly pulled her onto him, and pressed her back into the wall. She cried out in surprise when she felt him, and he quickly apologized and gave her a moment to adjust. It only took a second, and she was already used to him again, ankles crossed at the small of his back. His strong arms supported her, doing all the work for a few moments as she clung to him, and then the wall was supporting her again. He pushed on one of her knees to signal he wanted it down, and she placed it again on the ground, the height difference making things a bit awkward. Cassian held onto her other knee, her leg still around his back, as she pushed up onto her toes, but they were both too impatient, too clumsy in their desperation, to make the position work, and he again swept her up in his arms and she was against the wall once more. Her hands were all over his face, his hair, his chest, her lips following.

“Let me hear you,” he said. “No one out there will hear you. It’ll be just me. I want to hear you enjoying yourself. Let yourself go.”

Jyn wasn’t used to being loud, but she was this time, the drugs and alcohol releasing all of her inhibitions, and then one of his hands was between them, between her legs, and she was cursing as he touched her and got her closer faster than she’d ever been. Her right arm flailed out, her hand hitting the neighboring wall, and she pushed against it, pushed herself further onto him. The music pounded all around them, reverberating throughout her body, her heart beating in time to it, her mind whirling. Cassian’s cheek was pressed against hers, his hair tickling her electric skin as he moved. She slipped her hand down to touch his, pressing his fingers harder onto herself with her palm, and she could feel him, slick and hard, moving in and out of her between her fingers. He groaned at the sensation, all primal sounds coming from him, and she knew as she ratcheted up into pleasure that he wouldn’t be far behind her. Another moment later and she was digging her nails into his back so hard she knew she’d leave marks for a bit, and she was crying out in ecstasy for him to hear.

“I’m almost there, too,” he said. “Tell me something." He bumped her cheek aside with his so he could nuzzle her ear. Then he whispered, "Make me come.”

Jyn was aware that the substances in their systems were making them say and do crazy things, but Cassian seemed in better control than she. Maybe, probably, he’d been exposed to these things more. Without thinking too much about it, saying the first thing that came into her mind, her filters stripped away so that only the bare truth remained, she said, “I want you to tell _me_ something.”

“Anything,” he replied, his voice tight, and for a moment she couldn’t speak, because he was kissing her again. When he broke from her, she said,

“Tell me I’m your Jyn.”

Jyn closed her eyes and felt him break, and he whispered “My Jyn” against her mouth, and that didn’t seem like any substances talking at all. Just him, just Cassian, and no one and nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I love comments and they totally make my day, so if you wanna, I'd love it. <3
> 
> P.S.! I wrote this and the next chapter from [Cassian's POV](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11274126/chapters/25213824), too!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian continue to gather information, then decide to head back to the motel. Guess what, it has a bed. And Cassian can apparently go two rounds in a very short period of time, because of course he can, and we all know he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone still reading and for all the comments and kudos, and welcome to the new readers! Love you all and love hearing from you so much! <3

Jyn slouched back against the wall, and Cassian leaned against her as their breathing slowed. They hadn’t yet adjusted their clothes, and Jyn could still feel their skin pressed together below. She felt dizzy still, but her high now was mostly from their passionate lovemaking session in their back corner. The things Cassian had said, the way he’d made her feel…it was enough to make her blood dance in her bloodstream. An embarrassed little smile crossed her face when she saw his shirtsleeve was frayed at the shoulder seam. Finally, Cassian let out a sigh.

“That was crazy,” he said.

“What, you don’t like crazy sex?” Jyn asked, kissing his neck just below his ear.

Cassian laughed a little. She wondered what it would take to get him to give her a _real_ laugh. A big laugh, full of humor and one he meant completely. “No, I do,” he said. “But I like anything with you.” He tucked the hair of her wig – _stupid wig_ , she thought – behind her ears and held her face. His eyes were sincere, and Jyn felt herself go weak at his gaze. She both loved and hated that about him, what he did to her. “It’s so much better with you. Everything is.”

Jyn still felt dazed from the smoke, her inhibitions still down, and a request for honesty, for feelings, came spilling out of her before she could stop herself. “Did you used to hate yourself afterward?” she asked.

He seemed as powerless to stop the honesty as she. “Yes,” he said. “Always.”

Jyn smiled and looked down, pressing her fingers through his. “Not with you, though.”

“No,” he said. “Never with you.”

And they were funny statements, the things they said to each other, because their relationship, or whatever it was, was still so new, barely a standard day old, and they’d only been intimate with each other twice – once under the influence of a contact high. Jyn knew, deep down, that she should’ve kept her words to herself, that if anything went wrong, she’d hate herself for saying them and regret them.

“We should get back out there,” Cassian said. “We still have lots of catching up to do with our friends, and I’m not ready to go home just yet.” He leaned forward, pressing into her so that he could move his lips to her ear. “I’m not ready to go back to being me just yet.”

“Me, neither,” Jyn replied. She kissed him again, and then they zipped and buckled back up. Cassian took Jyn’s hand again and led her once more out to the middle of the club, where the music and dancing were still going strong. It was like they had never left. On the way, he ordered two more beers for them, and brought them to her in the middle of the floor. She didn’t even care that the liquid sloshed over her as bodies bumped into her, didn’t even care that the smoke was in her nose again and confusing her. Tomorrow afternoon they’d be back here again, collecting the rest of their intel.

Ana wormed her way through the crowd and up next to Jyn, pulling her away from Cassian.

“Dor’lena had something she wanted me to tell ya,” Ana said. “Come on, don’t be shy,” she said when Jyn’s pace slowed. She put her hands on Jyn’s hips and swayed her along to the music. “It don’t mean nothin’. Anyway, Dor’lena says you and Penn both would like this. This is good. The Empire has its eye on a good half dozen planets that the rebels got their hooks into. Few in the Outer Rim, some coming back Coreward. They’re getting bold, the rebels. Dor’lena got names for ya, if you’re interested. Empire’s been hiring mercenaries, too, to track the rebels down.” Ana shrugged. “If you might be interested in that. Dunno. I don’t got the skills for it, but Penn here,” she nodded, “he’s on the fringe enough, he might.”

“Really,” Jyn said. “He didn’t strike me as that sort of guy.”

Ana smiled coldly. “Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get on his bad side.” She motioned to someone Jyn couldn’t see, and the Twi’lek female from the group squeezed in between the dancers. Ana passed Jyn off to Dor’lena, and Jyn felt very uncomfortable about all of this. Where was Cassian? She couldn’t very well look around for him without showing how uncomfortable she was.

The Twi’lek curled her hands around Jyn’s waist and looped a head-tail over Jyn’s shoulder. “So,” she purred, “I hear you might be interested in what I have to say. Ever thought about mercenary work?”

“Sure,” Jyn said. “Anything to rid the galaxy of the rebels. What you got for me?”

Dor’lena shrugged and looked disinterested. “Why should I share?”

“Because we’re all on the same side, aren’t we? You haven’t seen me in a fistfight, either.”

The Twi’lek chuckled. “I like you, Mina.”

“You wouldn’t like me if you met me in the dark,” Jyn replied.

Dor’lena leaned in and smiled. “No, I think that’s how I'd like you best.”

Jyn again fought the urge to glance around, but seriously, where _was_ Cassian? She felt a brush of shoulders against her shoulders, caught a whiff of his familiar scent, and relaxed a little. He was right there. He had her back – literally. Of course he did. Jyn focused back on the Twi’lek. She was beautiful, with emerald green skin and gorgeously applied makeup, but she was not the sort of thing Jyn was into. Once again, she wondered just what exactly was expected of her, how far she was supposed to go, for the mission. For the Alliance.

 _For Force-damned Draven_ , she thought.

Dor’lena leaned in further and brushed her lips against Jyn’s. “Alstinsky,” she said, before brushing her lips against Jyn’s again, a little harder. “Dochanna. Lielker. Those are just the Outer Rim alone.” She pressed her lips harder against Jyn, who had a few choice things to say to Draven when she got back home. She felt Cassian press his back more firmly against hers. Finally the Twi’lek gave her all the names, cupped her chin, and glided away. Then Ana was back with a beer, and Jyn wanted to groan.

“Ladies,” Cassian said, smoothly intervening. “Having fun?”

“Always,” Ana replied. Jyn didn’t miss her arm going around Cassian’s waist and pulling him closer, her other arm around Jyn’s. Cassian chuckled.

“You know, Ana, you’re welcome to come back with us,” he said before giving her a shrug. “Could be fun.”

Jyn fought to keep her expression blank, hoping beyond hope that the other woman wouldn’t take him up on the offer. Cassian had to know what he was doing, though….

Ana hissed. “Pfft. Not my interest, Penn. ’Sides, I heard about your skills from the last girl you brought here. ‘Sorely lacking,’ I think she said.” Ana turned an apologetic look to Jyn, one corner of her mouth quirked up. “Sorry, Mina.”

Jyn gave her a big shrug. “You work with what you got.”

Ana punched Cassian in the shoulder. “But the rest of you is okay. I like you just fine the way you are. Only stop spending so much time away. We miss you.”

“I miss you guys, too,” Cassian said with a sincerity Jyn knew was false. He clenched his fist and raised it in the air. “Long live the Empire.”

Ana mimicked the gesture. “Absolutely. Stability and order, that’s what we need, and after those moronic rebels are wiped out, things can go back to normal.”

“Thank the Force. Goodnight, Ana.”

Ana took the hint and left, and Jyn turned back to Cassian. His face betrayed nothing. She put one hand on his shoulder and drank her beer with the other. Her buzz came back, stronger this time, and she and Cassian stayed out on the floor until their drinks were gone.

“I think,” Cassian said in her ear once they’d finished, “we should get out of here.”

Jyn nodded enthusiastically, her body tingling at the innuendo in his voice. Cassian contacted a taxi service, and they waited at the curb, Jyn leaning against him as the world drifted lazily to the right. Cassian tapped his finger twice on his comlink, and he got two double-clicks from Bodhi for both the pilot and Kaytoo and one each from Chirrut and Baze. Jyn double-clicked hers, and he sent her a look. Jyn snorted a laugh at him, and he uncharacteristically rolled his eyes. When had  _that_ become a part of Cassian's personality? Or was it Penn's? Penn didn't seem the type, but neither did Cassian. But then who...? Before she could figure it out, the taxi came, and they got in. Cassian told the driver the address, and they set off. Fingers tangled with one another, and they sat pressed together in the backseat, thighs warm against each other. Jyn was so aware of her breathing, of the way Cassian’s side felt against her, the way his hand felt in hers.

The motel was old but clean, in a safe part of town, and of course there was a problem even though they’d already checked in and left their luggage, and they had to wait an extra ten minutes to sort it out. The lift was broken and they had to take the stairs to the third level, Jyn tripping over one and waving Cassian off in embarrassment.

Once they got in the room and locked the door, there were no holds barred.

They tore at one another’s clothes in their haste to undress each other, fingers clumsy in their drunkenness. Even though they’d made love an hour or two ago at the club, the urge was there again, the desire, and it was unquenchable. They barely made it to the bed before he was inside her, and she was moaning, and it was hard, and fast, and rough, and she gripped his head as she kissed him and never wanted to let go. His arms were around her and his hands gripped her shoulders. She held him as he came quickly, the intensity ripping a groan from him, and she watched his eyes squeeze shut and his jaw clench. Then he laid his cheek against her chest, and they lay there quietly in the still night, coming down from the high.

Eventually they fell asleep, wrapped in one another, and Jyn considered it a very good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **UPDATE 6/22/17** I've got a lottttt more fics than I intended to have, and I update at least one of them once a week. So, I'm dropping this down to once-weekly posting, probably still on Mondays. Thanks for still reading, and thank you to the new readers, too!! <3
> 
> P.S.! I wrote this and the previous chapter from [Cassian's POV](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11274126/chapters/25213824), too!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the crazy night at The Hotspot. Something is wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust goes both ways, dear readers. Stick with me here.

When Jyn woke, she immediately knew something was wrong. Cassian wasn’t in the bed with her. Instead, he was in the chair at the small desk, doing something on his datapad. Jyn blinked against the bright sunlight streaming in and pressed her hand to her forehead. It took her a moment to remember to use her alias’s accent before she spoke.

“Been awhile since I’ve had that much to drink,” she said.

“We need to get back over to The Hotspot by noon,” Cassian said, and he was all business and Jyn didn’t understand what the hell was going on. “The regulars have lunch there, and they might have more intel for us.”

“Okay….” Jyn said guardedly. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve already eaten, and you should do the same and get dressed.” He switched his datapad off and turned to her, and Jyn was shocked to see how tired he looked. Had he slept at all last night? “Hungry?”

“I am,” she said, then repeated, “What is going on?”

He stood from the chair and picked up his datapad and the data stick he’d ejected, then busied himself with packing his bag. “We need to get back over to The Hotspot for the noon crowd,” he said again. He tossed her a bottle that rattled in the air. Jyn caught it and looked at the label. Painkillers. “Get dressed and we’ll go. Won’t hurt to get there early.”

Jyn didn’t miss the way he kept his back to her as she picked up her clothes from the floor and crossed the small room to the ’fresher. When she came out in a towel, he wasn’t in the room at all, and her hair was almost dry by the time he came back.

“Visiting family,” he said to her questioning look, meaning Baze and Chirrut out on watch. “No news is good news. You know how they can be.”

“I do,” Jyn said. “And I know how _you_ can be.”

“Fair enough,” he answered, which was no answer at all.

 

The Hotspot was a different place in the light of day. The noontime crowd looked to be tired, hard-drinking regulars, and the staff spent the time cleaning up from the night before. The food was standard Imperial bar fare, and it was, Jyn reflected ironically, one of the best meals she’d had in years. She didn’t often get to eat like this, and the fact that she was eating a greasy meal on the Alliance’s credit was, for lack of a better word, delicious.

Cassian didn’t eat much, more caught up in chatting people up. Jyn watched him, wondering what she’d done wrong to earn such a cold attitude from him, and feeling her anger start to build. She knew they couldn’t communicate openly as their aliases, but if he had a problem with her, she’d rather he expressed it now rather than wait till they could openly talk about it. The thing was, she couldn’t think of any reason he’d be mad or distant.

Her gaze fell on the wall partition that separated the corner with the cleaning supplies from the rest of the dive, tucked away where it would go unnoticed by anyone not looking for it.

_“Tell me I’m your Jyn.”_

_“My Jyn.”_

A sheet of ice dropped through Jyn’s body, and she put her food back down on her plate. When she swallowed, her throat was dry. _That_ was what she had messed up. They’d broken their cover, and he was going to _ream_ her for it. She wondered if he’d ever broken cover before. Probably not. Maybe he’d go easy on her because they were involved?

…probably not.

The minutes passed slowly, Jyn recalling times with Saw when she knew she’d fucked up and knew with sickening certainty that she had a harsh dressing-down to face. Jyn felt helpless as she watched Cassian interact with people as his alias, as if there were nothing wrong whatsoever in his world, laughing and joking, and meanwhile, hers was feeling a little shaky, off-kilter. They had been each other’s rocks for only a few weeks, but those days they’d shared together between the time they’d met and when the Death Star fired on Scarif had felt like a lifetime together.

 _Maybe we shouldn’t have done this_ , Jyn thought without being able to help herself. Her fingers shredded the leftover bread on her plate, her appetite gone. _Maybe we should’ve just stayed friends. Colleagues. Whatever._

Then another thought: _No, it’ll be fine. This’ll blow over. He’ll be pissed and it’ll be fine. No more sex in public._ She felt her cheeks warm at the memory. _No more sex on missions, period._

Cassian came back over, and he glanced at her briefly. “All done?” he asked curtly, picking up the check and reviewing it. He snorted. “You got the most expensive item on the menu.”

Jyn shrugged. “I figured Dad could spoil us sometime.” _Dad_ being Draven, who she could imagine going into conniptions over the bill she’d racked up on a fancy burger at this sleazy dive. “I got a box for yours, by the way. Thought the family might enjoy it.”

Cassian did smile then. “That was thoughtful of you.”

Jyn had a snappish retort, a _Glad you think so_ or _Thanks, I thought so_ , but kept it to herself. Instead, she rose from her seat and started walking toward the exit. Cassian followed after her, and she heard the triple-click come over her comlink to alert Baze and Chirrut that they were on their way back to the ship.

Soon it would be over, and they could go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one was kind of short. But it's new, angsty territory, so...yaaay...?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian debriefs Jyn and tries to explain his logic. The Rogue One crew gets dragged into their drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, my lovelies, meant to post this earlier because the last chapter was so short. Thank you, as always, so very much for your readership. It means the world to me! 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to [jenniferjun1per](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/pseuds/jenniferjun1per/works?fandom_id=9162187) for the kind Tumblr signal boost on [Trust](archiveofourown.org/works/11063796/chapters/24671100). That was the best thing that happened to me yesterday. :) (Okay, so this isn't the HAPPIEST chapter, but it'll get happy again soon, so hopefully that makes things better?)

Jyn didn’t say anything to any of the crew when she boarded the _Windflare_ , which Bodhi had thankfully rechristened the _Rogue One_. She just headed straight to her cabin, threw her stuff in a corner, locked the door, and tore her disguise off. She couldn’t wait to get back to the relative anonymity of Yavin Base, crappy as that place was. At least she could melt into the very fabric of the Rebellion there and not get bugged by anyone.

“Anyone,” of course, mostly being Cassian.

Not that that mattered. A knock came on her door only five minutes later.

“Go away,” she called.

“Open up,” Cassian said in a firm voice.

“Lost the key.”

“Jyn.”

Jyn growled, closed her eyes, and counted to five. “It’s open.”

Cassian came in and shut the door. He was dressed back in his regular attire, and it made him just a little easier to talk to.

But only a little.

Jyn crossed her arms and shifted her weight onto one foot, eyes narrowed at him. “You have something to say to me, Captain?”

“I do,” Cassian said. “This is a debriefing. I’m debriefing you.”

She waved. “Then by all means, go right ahead. Let’s start with this morning first.”

“No, we need to start with last night.”

“That is exactly what I meant.”

“I know what you meant.” He looked away for a moment, one hand reaching up to run through his hair. It was so horribly open, so vulnerable, so unlike him, that Jyn wondered if it was a tell. But then the gesture was gone as quickly as it had happened, and it was almost as if she could see the walls sliding back down around him. His words came slowly. “These…distractions…almost blowing our cover…breaking our cover and saying your name….” He shook his head and still didn’t look at her. Then he did finally, a different expression in his eyes. Pain? Regret? She couldn’t entirely tell, but she hated him for it. “It just can’t happen, Jyn,” he said quietly. “It’s already out of control, and it has to stop. The Alliance, they’re relying on us, and we can’t make things about ourselves. It….” He trailed off, whatever he was going to say lost from him. “You understand that, right? You feel the same way?”

Jyn felt her lips compress. She’d expected a dressing-down, but she hadn’t expected _this_. “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Cassian?”

“Command is willing to make a lot of exceptions for us,” he said. “But not this.”

“Right,” Jyn said. “You were going to go tell Command we’re sleeping together?”

He ignored the dig. “I meant breaking cover. It’s not acceptable. It’s not forgivable, not even once. Not in this line of work.”

“I get that. But _you_ should know that _you_ did not brief me correctly. _You_ sent me in blind, and that is on _you_.”

That riled him up. “I sent you the file,” he said defensively. “You got the backstory on your alias.”

“And the drugs?” Jyn shot back. “The alcohol? I was supposed to know I’d be getting drunk and high there?”

“Things happen undercover,” he replied, his voice heating up more. “You can’t cover all contingencies during training or research.”

“But you’ve been to The Hotspot before,” Jyn pointed out. “You _knew_.”

“It’s not always this bad,” he said. “Some nights are tamer than others. I haven’t been there in years, and this was particularly…not-tame.”

“Unruly,” Jyn supplied, kicking herself for the brief spark of adoration she felt for him – despite her furor – for not being able to find the right word in Basic. “We’re a team, Cassian,” she said. “No more working alone. You know that.”

“I usually work The Hotspot alone.”

“That’s a very poor excuse.”

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “It doesn’t matter. What did you talk to Ana – ”

“It _does_ matter,” Jyn argued back, “because you’re trying to punish yourself for something we were both equally responsible for, or as responsible as anyone could have been given that toxic environment.” She shrugged. “Besides,” she continued, “it’s possible no one saw us.”

 _“Possible,”_ he replied, “but unlikely. Sarya contacted me during the night. She asked what happened to us. Where we had gone. We were supposed to maintain sight contact with her at all times.” He looked away, a quiet sigh whispering out of him. “It’ll be in her notes to Draven.”

“And you’ve _never_ lied to Draven before.”

“ _Of course_ I’ve lied to Draven before,” Cassian said in a tone that indicated the thought was preposterous. “I lie to everybody.”

“I know you do,” Jyn said. “You even lie to yourself.”

His lips compressed into a line, but he didn’t break eye contact with her. “It was unprofessional,” he finally said.

“Yeah, well, sleeping with your subordinate _is_ unprofessional,” Jyn said as she unzipped her bag and started unpacking it. “I didn’t think that was a problem for you. At least, it didn't seem like one when you had me shoved up against that wall.” When he didn’t say anything, she looked back up at him. The look in his eyes, the same regretful look from earlier, was back in them again. She straightened. “Cassian….”

“I need to brief the rest of the team,” he said as he stepped back toward the door. “Just send me your report.”

“Is this how you really want things to be?” she asked. Again, he didn’t reply. “If it’s what you truly want, fine. But look me in the eye when you say it.”

He didn’t. Just turned and left her quarters without another word.

It took a few minutes before Jyn joined the crew in the main hold. They’d already made the jump to hyperspace while she and Cassian had been talking. He motioned her over to the table like nothing had happened. Nothing at all.

“We were just discussing the intel we got,” he said. “Draven will be pleased to hear your part of it.”

“What I live for,” Jyn replied. “I haven’t even started my report yet.”

“We can discuss it here,” Cassian said. “Ana and Dor’lena don’t talk to anyone, by the way, so you did very well there.”

“Great,” Jyn said as she made a beeline for the small galley to root around for a snack. “Always glad to kiss girls if it means Draven gets his info. Whatever gets him off.”

Cassian didn’t respond to that. “What planet names did she give you?” Jyn repeated the names as she searched for food, and Cassian said, “We do have a presence on some of those planets, but the rest is just rumors. We’ll tell Draven about it so we can alert our forces.”

Jyn didn’t listen as he recounted the rest of the mission, focusing on eating and blocking his voice out. He had to ask her twice if she had anything else to add. She shrugged and came out of the galley.

“Sounds like it went well,” Baze said. “Have a good time?”

“Best _ever_ ,” Jyn said around a mouthful of food. “Did you and Chirrut enjoy lurking around that disgusting dive?”

“I got to show off my cannon to the miscreants outside and see you two stagger around drunk when you left,” Baze replied. “So yes.”

Jyn stopped chewing, and her eyes met Cassian’s across the hold. He folded his arms across his chest. “Thanks, Baze,” he said.

“You got drunk on a mission?” Bodhi asked from the galley, nudging the cooler door shut with his hip and bringing his own plate over. “That doesn’t seem like you, Cassian.”

Jyn narrowed her eyes at the fact that he’d left her out. “Thanks, Bodhi.”

“It’s not important,” Cassian said, holding up his hand to forestall further comments. “Undercover work is what it is.”

“I don’t think I could do it,” Bodhi mused as he looked over his plate. “I’m not good at lying.”

“Mm,” Jyn said. “Cassian is. He’s real good. He could teach you.”

“The balance has shifted,” Chirrut said, frowning in Jyn’s direction. “We need to be brought back into balance.”

Jyn scoffed. “Good luck with that.”

Cassian’s arms tightened across his chest, and he hunched in on himself in his seat, compacting his body. “Something you’d like to say to the rest of the crew? Sergeant?”

“No,” Jyn said, meeting his eyes. “You?”

“No.”

For a handful of heartbeats, no one spoke.

“Um,” Bodhi finally said, “I feel really uncomfortable.”

“Talk to Cassian,” Jyn said, looking over at the pilot. “Though don’t expect much. He doesn’t listen to anybody but himself.”

She felt every single pair of eyes on her as she left, and she immediately regretted her words. Not because Cassian didn’t deserve them – he did – but because she had just crushed her crewmates’ morale on their very first mission, and none of them had done a single thing wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never fear, friends, happiness will soon happen, and that's a promise. :)
> 
> P.S. My phone tried to autocorrect "happen" to "Galen." Yeah, my phone knows what I'm about!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi does NOT like people not getting along!!! >< He went to the zoo this one time, and there was this GIANT cat, and it scared him a whole lot, and…. Sigh. Jyn and Cassian try to navigate their new stance with each other. It’s not easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you guys aren’t happy with Cassian. Hopefully this chapter soothes some of those feelings. Thank you, as always, for reading and commenting. You guys really are the best.

Jyn had decided that whoever came knocking to ask what had happened, she would open the door and try to make amends. She expected Bodhi or Chirrut, and was rewarded with an awkward Bodhi. Which, in this case, she preferred to the omniscient Chirrut.

“So how bad did I fuck up?” she asked, sitting back on her bunk after getting the door. Bodhi shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“Everyone’s just really confused,” he said. “Cassian won’t talk to us. Chirrut’s worried we’re going to be split up. Baze, well, he’s Baze. We can’t be split up. I don’t know where I’d go. I don’t want to ferry cargo again!”

Jyn held her hands up. “Calm down, Bodhi. It’s going to be okay. Cassian and I just disagreed on something. It was our first mission together. We got the information we needed, but things right now are…difficult. They’re not going to split us up.”

“No, Command aren’t, but _you_ ….” Bodhi trailed off, gathered his thoughts. “The fear, if I’m interpreting Chirrut correctly, which, who knows, that’s anybody’s guess, is that _you_ are going to be so mad, you’re going to want to leave _us_. You can’t leave us, Jyn! You’re the reason we’re together!”

Jyn smiled, trying to relax her posture to put the nervous pilot more at ease. “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

Bodhi pointed out the door. “Then work things out with Cassian. Please. He’s so tetchy. My mates and I went to this Imperial zoo once on leave, and they had this giant feline, I mean it was like three meters tall on its hind legs, and it paced its cage nonstop. You could see all its muscles. It had these giant fangs, HUGE fangs, and it looked like it wanted to rip our throats out. Its name was Princess.”

Jyn sighed quietly and rubbed her forehead. “The point of the story, Bodhi?”

“My point is he reminds me of Princess,” Bodhi explained. “Princess scared the hell out of me. I donated to her scholarship fund to send a girl from a poor farming community in the mountains of Princess’s homeland to school. I didn’t want her breaking out of her cage and coming after me. She gave me nightmares.”

“Thank you for sharing your story,” Jyn said. “I’ll talk to Princess at some point.”

“Princess had babies. I think she’s mellowed by now.”

“I meant Cassian.”

“Oh.” Bodhi nodded. “Oh, okay. Good. Great. Thanks.” He backed up, ran into the door, fumbled for the closer, and left. 

* * *

Draven was eager for Cassian and Jyn to debrief, and as soon as they landed, they headed straight to his office. Neither of them spoke on the way there, and Jyn noticed then how incredibly big the Massassi temple was, and how incredibly awkward it could be to walk with someone through it and not speak a single word to them.

“Very good news from you both,” Draven said by way of greeting when they walked in. “I’m glad to hear The Hotspot divulged more of its secrets.”

“Always,” Cassian said. He didn’t sound quite as pleased as Draven.

“A few of the planets this Ana woman mentioned – good work there, Andor – I wanted to look over and send your crew to. If the Empire knows about our covert operations there, we’re going to need to ferret them out.”

“It was Sergeant Erso’s work that got us that information,” Cassian corrected. Draven’s eyes shifted to Jyn.

“Ah,” he said. “Good work, then, Erso. We’ll make an Intelligence agent of you yet.”

Jyn held her tongue, but _badly_ wanted to reply.

For a moment, Draven looked down at his datapad, scrolling through the file. “One thing of note,” he said, and Jyn tensed, knowing exactly what he was about to bring up. “Lieutenant Med’ura says the two of you were out of sight for a good ten minutes later in the evening.” He looked up at them, his face completely blank. “Care to tell me what that was about, given that mission parameters were that you stick close by her?”

“Sergeant Erso also stepped out for about ten minutes to speak with Ana outside,” Cassian said. “I don’t know if Sarya mentioned that. Regarding what Sarya did say, you know the atmosphere of the club, and it was particularly bad this time. The worst I’ve seen it. We needed fresh air to clear our heads. I wasn’t able to accompany Sergeant Erso out with Ana earlier in the night, and that turned out well enough.”

“I see.”

Jyn waited a couple heartbeats, hoping Draven would accept that answer. Finally, he looked back down at his datapad. “If that’s all you have, you’re at your leisure for the rest of the day. I’ll be in touch when I have something more concrete for you. As for your crew, they’re at leisure as well, but I need them doing something.”

“Of course,” Cassian said. “Something particular you had in mind?”

Draven sighed like he was about to tell them something he didn’t entirely agree with. “Senator Mothma has expressed concern about everyone’s stress levels. Îmwe would be a great help in that area, if he could lead some sort of…stress-relief or meditation class. If that is really how you want to use his skills.”

“I don’t really see a problem with that. I’m sure he’ll stay up on his fighting techniques.”

“Malbus could be of some use to us in the heavy weapons classes. We don’t have enough teachers, so I would like to use him there. Rook can do what the rest of the pilots do.”

“Right,” Cassian said. “Sit and wait for action.”

Draven smiled, and Jyn irreverently thought about the burger she’d had at The Hotspot. Another minute later he dismissed them, and she and Cassian left. They walked down the corridor of offices until they reached the lift, where they studiously avoided each other’s gazes. Jyn tried not to think about the lift ride down on Scarif, but it was all she thought about. Cassian was so close and yet so far away, and she was so painfully aware of his presence at her side in the small car. His blaster bumped against her thigh when he exited, and she ignored it and saw him ignore it, even though she knew he must’ve felt the jostle on his leg.

Then the moment she’d been dreading happened: Cassian indicated the corridor to his right, when Jyn intended to go left.

“I have some things to catch up on,” he said.

“What things?” she asked before she could stop herself.

“Just things.”

Jyn swallowed, and she knew, she _knew_ her face was giving herself away. For his part, he remained utterly impassive. _The spy’s face._ Force take him, he was giving her _the spy’s face_! She wondered if this was killing him on the inside as much as it was killing her. For them to be apart when they were always together just seemed wrong somehow. The concept was too foreign. She was so used to working alone, had preferred it for so long, until he’d come into her life. Now she didn’t think she could bear it, especially not with the way things had ended. All because of a mistake. One stupid, fucking mistake that had already been forgotten and no one even cared about anymore – and didn’t even consider a mistake.

Except Cassian.

Was this what it was going to be like, then? Just working with him when they were on duty, the agony of being near him but unable to touch him, day in and day out?

She had to talk to him. She _had_ to.

“Cassian – ” she started.

He immediately cut her off. “I’ll see you later.”

And before she could stop him, he had turned and started to walk down the opposite hallway, checking his datapad, while Jyn stared after him.

But then…he hesitated. Turned back. He was only a dozen steps away.

He slowly walked back up to her. Hesitant.

“I have a meeting in an hour,” he said. “Analysis of performance metrics for espionage tactics.” He shrugged. “Good information, if….”

And Jyn smiled, just a little, and nodded.

* * *

Bodhi was ecstatic. Cassian had made good on his word and talked to someone in the pilots’ division about letting him into their lounge, and he’d finally gotten to see it for the very first time.

“And they have snacks,” Bodhi was saying that evening as he and Jyn sat in the mess hall. “ _All_ the best snacks, all from around the galaxy!” He dug up a packet. “Did I show you these yet? They’re from Talz.”

Jyn forced herself to smile. She was happy for him, even if she was still miserable inside. No reason to make him miserable, too, and take away his happiness. “That’s great, Bodhi.”

“I’ve been talking to all the starfighter pilots,” he continued, and shook his head, eyes rolling up in reverence. “Wow, are they _something_. I could never do that.”

“Half of what they’re telling you are lies. Maybe even two-thirds.”

“I even met this guy…Wes Janson?…who said I could play sabacc with them. I don’t know how to play sabacc. Do you know how to play sabacc?”

“I do,” Jyn said. “I’ll teach you. Just don’t bet anything important. Watch out for Janson, though. I’ve heard of his reputation.”

Bodhi’s face fell. “Oh, no. Have I fallen in with a bad lot?”

Jyn laughed. “No. I think you’re fine.”

The pilot folded his arms on the tabletop, clasping his elbows in his hands. “So, um, did you talk to Cassian yet?”

“I haven’t seen him again. Not since earlier.” Which was true. The espionage analysis meeting was boring to Jyn but enthralling to Cassian, who didn’t look at her during the whole two hours of mind-numbing analysis and numbers. For her part, she spent the time tuning everyone’s words out and casting covert glances at Cassian, wishing he’d look over at her. Wishing for a smile, or any acknowledgment. But he _had_ invited her, so it was something. Afterward, though, he’d said his goodbyes and left. And that made her feel…not happy.

Bodhi frowned at Jyn’s answer. “You haven’t seen him…? But you two, you’re our commanding officers, and you’re always together. How could you have not seen him?”

Jyn felt a quick stab of frustration at Bodhi’s naiveté. She shrugged, perhaps a little too exaggeratedly. “I haven’t _seen_ him, Bodhi.”

“Do you want me to comm him?” he offered, holding up his comlink. “I bet if I called him, he’d – ”

“Just let it go,” Jyn snapped at him, her feet dropping from the bench. She immediately regretted her words, and the hurt on Bodhi’s face only made her feel worse. “I’m sorry. It’s not you.”

Bodhi, of course, easily forgave her. “You said you disagreed on something. What did you disagree on?”

 _Oh, Bodhi, you innocent thing_ , Jyn thought with a sigh. “The mission,” she said. “It was very difficult, and….” She forced a smile onto her face. “It’s not a problem. It’s just all going to take some getting used to.”

Even Bodhi didn’t believe her line, at least not any more than Jyn did.

Baze and Chirrut walked up to their table and sat down, Baze carrying both his tray and the other Guardian’s. Baze’s was loaded to overflowing, and he greedily dug in. Chirrut seemed to be aware of it, and frowned in his direction.

Then he turned his unseeing gaze to Jyn.

“You’re unhappy,” he said.

“I’m frustrated,” she replied.

“Frustration is not a happy emotion. It can also cover up what is true. Baze,” he chastised. “Manners. We are in the company of others.” The big Guardian stopped devouring his food and turned his attention to another plate, cutting up a flat circle of meat and handing it over to Chirrut.

Jyn didn’t have an answer to Chirrut’s statement, so she looked down at her salad and poked at it with her fork.

“Where’s the captain?” Chirrut pressed.

 _“Haven’t. Seen. Him,”_ Jyn said through gritted teeth.

“An odd answer for two so close as to be more than simple partners. You haven’t been apart since you met.”

“We go to the ’fresher by ourselves,” Jyn said, stabbing a small red vegetable so hard with her fork that the pulp exploded and landed on Bodhi’s hand. “We even dress ourselves, too.”

Chirrut’s lips pursed. “Take care not to let your anger consume your kind heart, Jyn.”

Jyn immediately felt guilty. He was only trying to help in his own way, and she didn’t need to take her negative emotions out on him. However, she also didn’t like that he was trying to make whatever her relationship was with Cassian a public topic. Baze wouldn’t care, and Bodhi might be too oblivious to know what Chirrut was really hinting at, but still, Jyn wanted it kept private.

Someone brushed her arm, and she felt the bench dip as another person sat next to her. She looked over. It was Cassian.

“Meeting ran long,” he said. “Sorry, Bodhi.”

“No one around here is ever on time,” Bodhi grumbled. “We have dinner at eighteen hundred. Eighteen hundred on the _dot_. And we sit at _this_ table.”

“I know. Thank you.”

Jyn focused hard on her salad, made herself think about all the colors in it and how very much she did not want to eat it. Cassian was too close again, after being gone for too long.

 _Too long?_ Was half a day _too long_ for her?

Oh, she was in _far_ too deep.

His hip pressed against hers. He folded his arms on the tabletop and his elbow bumped hers.

“Really good ribenes tonight,” Bodhi said. “They’re almost out.” He conspicuously eyed Baze’s plate, piled high with the food, and Baze enjoying one with gusto.

Cassian nodded and got up, bumping Jyn again. She felt Bodhi’s and Chirrut’s eyes on her.

“I should’ve gotten some of those,” she said, far too would-be casually. “Salad, what a disappointment.”

“Salad is good for the soul,” Chirrut said, and Jyn sighed to herself.

After a few minutes, Cassian came back with his tray, and the group made small talk. Jyn didn’t say anything, just slowly plugged along at her salad. Bodhi got up to get dessert and go back to the pilot’s lounge, and the Guardians soon followed. Jyn couldn’t think of an excuse to leave as well that wouldn’t seem rude, so she was stuck with just Cassian.

She also couldn’t deny that she wanted to be near him. Just because he’d broken things off between them didn’t mean her feelings had suddenly died, and she knew he had to feel the same way, too. Problem was, she had no idea how to talk to…what was he? An ex-boyfriend? Ex-lover? She didn’t do small talk, and she was still mad. She was mad, but she wanted to be near him, and she still wanted to be involved with him, and worse, she still wanted to have sex with him.

Fuck, she didn’t know _what_ the hell to do.

Cassian made no move to leave. Jyn looked around for something, _anything_ to talk about.

“The food’s not as bad as I thought it would be,” she finally said. Cassian snorted.

“Wait till you’ve had it for twenty years.”

“I doubt I’ll last that long.”

“You’d be surprised.”

And that was it. The whole conversation. They lapsed into silence, and Jyn found herself fidgeting, _fidgeting_ , Jyn Erso _fidgeting_ , not knowing what the hell she was supposed to do. Finally fed up with it all, she just stood up, extracted herself from the bench, and said,

“I’ll see you later.”

“Jyn.” His hand had closed around her wrist. Her hand closed into a fist. Her eyes slid down to meet his, open and sincere.

But then he didn’t say anything else, and slowly released her wrist as if he hadn't meant to grab it in the first place, and hoped she wouldn't notice.

“Have a nice night,” he finally murmured, and turned back to his food.

As Jyn walked away, she reflected that having a nice night, without him, would be all but impossible.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rogue One gets a new mission. Jyn and Cassian make up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, enough torturing you guys. The angst is over.

Jyn began to see Cassian more the next day. He continued to eat meals with the crew, met them in the Intelligence lounge, and Jyn frequently ran into him around base. It seemed to her that he was trying, in his own way, to apologize.

But it wasn’t enough.

_“You dumped me!”_

Her words to Saw came back to her over and over. Saw had gotten rid of her when she’d been too much of a risk when she was sixteen, and this felt all too familiar. It hurt that Cassian didn’t want to fight for their relationship. He hesitated each time he said goodbye to her, as if there were something on the tip of his tongue he wanted to say, but it never came out. She hoped they’d get a mission soon to get her mind off everything.

Draven’s aide found Jyn the following morning and walked her down to Draven’s office. Cassian was already there, but he didn’t look at Jyn when she walked in. Being close to him again, back in his presence, smelling him again, all made her ache for him in the worst way. She clenched her fists so that her nails dug into her palms, and then kept clenching even harder. She _hated_ that her mind tossed up images of them making love, and that she couldn’t think about anything else when she tried (and failed) to sleep at night.

“General,” she greeted Draven.

“Sergeant,” he nodded back. “We have a mission for your team. Sabotage. Did some digging into those planets you mentioned, and Alstinsky has been slowly gaining a covert Imperial presence over the last five years due to some creative slicing by the Empire’s techs. They’ve sliced codes into the planet’s security systems that monitor the communications the Alliance has been sending out via those systems. Alstinsky is rich in jewels, but they take a lot of work to extract and so the Empire has largely not bothered with it. The cost is too high.”

“So why are they going after it now?” Cassian asked. “What’s the point?”

“That’s a very good question.”

“Ah.”

“Sabotage the codes and reset the systems,” Draven said. “You’ll have a standard day from the reset point for the system to update, at which point the Empire will know we’re onto them. Only do that when you are completely sure you know why they’re there. It’s a two-day journey in hyperspace, so be ready to go this afternoon. Dismissed.”

As she and Cassian walked away, Jyn occupied herself with going over Draven’s words in her mind. Anything to keep her mind off of Cassian and the things she wanted to say to him. Now that they’d gotten another mission, it wasn’t the time for their own issues to get in the way. Cassian, though, broke the silence.

“This will be good,” he said, probably his poor attempt at small talk.

“Good,” Jyn replied, and could think of literally nothing else to say except the thousands of other things she wanted to say to him but couldn’t.

“I’ll comm the crew and get them together on the ship,” Cassian continued. “Should only take fifteen minutes or so.”

Jyn nodded and yet again watched him walk off, a flurry of other rebels moving around her, and yet she didn’t see a single one of them.

 

Once Jyn was back on the _Rogue One_ , she began to feel better. Yavin 4 was too big, too hot, too _frantic_. The ship was just their little family, the Rogue One crew, and she was glad to see it again. As she boarded and passed the corridor leading to the cockpit, she heard Bodhi excitedly telling Kaytoo about his adventures in the pilots’ lounge.

“That sounds like all saturated fat to me,” Kay replied when Bodhi got to the part about the snacks. “Your probability of a heart attack is very high.”

“Is not,” Bodhi replied crossly. “I eat vegetables at every meal.”

“Not breakfast.”

“Of course not breakfast. Breakfast is for carbs.”

“Simple carbohydrates break down into sugar, which is also unhealthy in large amounts.”

“I nearly died in a shuttle explosion. I shouldn’t have to listen to this.”

“I did die,” Kay said. “You _should_ listen to me.”

“You don’t even have to eat. Maybe you should think about that.”

“I won’t.”

Jyn raised her eyebrows at Cassian, who turned away and went to break up the fight. Chirrut and Baze sat at the table, and she felt unsettled by Chirrut’s gaze. He still didn’t look happy.

“Something wrong, little sister?” Baze asked. She quickly shook her head and moved off toward her cabin.

Part of Jyn wanted to be out in the main hold with the rest of the crew, but another part of her, a bigger part, just wanted to be in her cabin by herself. She dropped her bag on the floor and nudged it into a corner with her foot, then stretched out on her bunk with her hands behind her head, eyes on the ceiling. She still hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to Cassian, and she still needed to. Badly. As the ship lurched into hyperspace, an old lullaby from her mother drifted up into her mind, long forgotten. She repeated the words aloud, following the melody, barely making a sound. Her hand found her kyber crystal necklace, wrapping the string around her fingers. She remembered another thing, too: an almost-quiet moment in a cockpit over a tropical planet, codes going through, a cheer of _“Yes!”_ from Bodhi, and locking eyes with Cassian in joy. Shoulders bumping as they brushed by each other.

Jyn closed her eyes and rolled over onto her side, tucking her knees to her chest. Those little moments meant too much. Cassian had been right about things getting out of control with them. It was _too much_.

A knock at her door startled her awake. Jyn reached up and brushed her hair back with her wrist. She hadn’t realized she’d fallen asleep.

“Yes?” she called, and slowly rolled over and sat up, rubbing her eyes. The door opened, and she didn’t even have to look up to know it was Cassian on the other side of it. No one else would come looking for her (except maybe Bodhi).

“Tired?” he asked redundantly, and just to be difficult, she replied,

“No.”

The door shut. Jyn blinked down at the floor, trying to wake up. She heard him walk over, and then the mattress dipped as he sat next to her. Not too close, but not so far away as to make things even more awkward. She wished they weren’t sitting on a bed together. It made it hurt too much, and too acutely.

“I wanted to go over the mission with you,” Cassian said. “Before I get into it with the others.”

Jyn brushed her palm against her eye. Why was she so tired? “Go ahead.”

Cassian paused. “It doesn’t have to be now.”

“Fine.” She closed her eyes, feeling sleepiness descend on her again. Maybe it was because she was finally relaxed after the past few stressful days. They had a mission, they had a goal, they had something to do. She no longer had to focus on her problems with Cassian. She could focus on the team’s mission. Being around her family again rejuvenated her, yet it also put her at ease enough that sleep came quicker than on base.

Jyn swayed, sighed out a tired breath, and then Cassian’s arm was around her shoulders, pulling her into him. He smelled so good, so familiar, so comforting, and Jyn breathed deeply. Her relaxation deepened. She felt Cassian’s chin rest on top of her head. Her hand was wedged uncomfortably between them, and she worked it out. Rested it on his thigh without thinking. Felt him tense, heard his breath catch just ever so slightly. Dazed from sleepiness, lulled by the engines propelling them in hyperspace, she dragged her hand up until it hit his hip. He didn’t move away. Only tightened his hand on her shoulder. Emboldened, her heart hammering in her tight chest, Jyn slowly ran her hand up his side, feeling the rough fabric of his shirt and wondering if he could feel all her longing.

Jyn opened her eyes to see Cassian watching her hand. “You can’t do what you did,” she said. “You didn’t want me anymore. You threw me away. You…you….” Jyn clenched her fists, felt her eyes prick painfully. _Forced_ the words to come out. “You broke my heart!”

For the first time ever, she saw Cassian’s face break. He looked down, shame on his face.

“That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do,” he said quietly. “I hated myself for losing control. I thought I should put the Alliance first. I knew it was stupid, but by that time, I hated myself even more for what I’d done to you, and I didn’t know how to go back….” He shook his head, eyes still lowered. “I’m so sorry, Jyn. I told you I’d screw everything up. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” Finally, he looked up into Jyn’s eyes. “Would you hate me if I wanted it anyway?”

“No,” Jyn said.

“I’ve been doing this job long enough to know when I’m in too deep,” he said, eyes holding hers. “I’m in too deep, Jyn.”

Jyn smiled tentatively. It was going to take some time to get back to where they were, to mend her heart and to be open to him again, but at least they were going in the right direction again. Neither of them made a move to kiss the other. It was like they were both timid creatures, afraid of startling the other one off. How easily they’d fallen into the role of lovers before; now, it felt like what they had was too fragile, too easy to break after what had happened at The Hotspot and Cassian’s subsequent actions. Jyn understood why he’d done what he’d done. It was in his nature and a one hundred percent Cassian response. But he hadn't had any idea of how badly he would hurt her.

Cassian sighed. “I’m not good at this, Jyn. Any of it.”

“I know,” Jyn said with another small smile. “I’m not, either. We’ll just have to be terrible at it together.”

He gave her his own smile and ran his thumb over her knuckles, then brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it. “Together.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happiness aboard the Rogue One with wine and honesty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s your reward for sticking with me through the angst, readers. :) Thank you!!! Adore you all!! <3

Cassian had never been a talkative person, but he was unusually quiet the rest of the day around the crew. When the group was together, they got along as if they’d known each other for years, and Cassian usually stayed out of the conversation until he was directly addressed. He focused on his datapad, writing things down and going over mission parameters, consulting quietly with Kay or with Jyn, and mostly keeping to himself. He would contribute to the conversation here and there. This time, however, he said nothing.

“It has been approximately four hours since Captain Andor has spoken,” Kaytoo finally pointed out, right in the middle of a story Bodhi was telling about his training.

“I was just getting to the best part!” Bodhi said.

Cassian didn’t look up from his work, but he did reply, “Thank you for pointing it out, Kay. Please check on our course.”

“I already have,” Kay said. “Twice. You are very tense.”

“I’m always tense,” Cassian said. “No one’s checked the cargo manifest.” He gave a nod toward the cargo bay at the rear of the ship. “Go do that.”

Kay lumbered off, metal feet clanking against the flooring. “It would be a very big problem,” he said, “if the manifest did not line up with our expectations, and we are just now discovering it.”

Cassian sighed.

“You were saying, Bodhi?” Jyn prompted, her eyes on Cassian. She, too, had noticed his silence, and it worried her a bit, but she wasn’t about to call him on it.

“Never mind now,” Bodhi grumbled. “Kay ruined it.”

“We want to hear it,” Jyn urged gently. “Your teacher calculated the vector wrong, and then what?”

“Hopefully someone put him into a black hole,” Baze said. “Or he piloted himself into one.” He slapped the table, making Cassian jump, threw back his head, and let out a roar of a laugh. “Sorry, Captain.”

“This man does not sound like a good person,” Chirrut said. “The Force took care of him.”

Bodhi threw up his hands. “ _Yes_ , that’s what happened. He wound up in a black hole, and it was funny because we called him ‘The Black Hole’ because he had no personality. You lot are lousy to tell stories to.”

“I have many,” Baze said, “but you were a baby when all mine happened.”

“So?” Bodhi shot back.

“I bet you were a cute baby,” Jyn said.

“All babies are creatures of light,” Chirrut said, and at that point, Jyn was about done with her stomach rumbling and decided to find it a snack. Just as she was standing up to excuse herself, Kay marched back in with a crate. He plunked it down right on top of Cassian’s datapad.

“What is this?” Cassian asked crossly.

“This is a crate of bootleg wine from Coruscant,” Kay announced. “Highly contraband. I would like to know what it is doing here.”

Cassian turned his eyes on the crew. “I would like to know that as well.”

Baze shrugged. “You said we could bring any food we like. I chose this.”

Jyn watched Cassian’s expression with interest. His face was totally blank. “You brought wine.”

“Yes.”

“Bootleg wine.”

“Yes.”

“That’s contraband.”

“Yes.”

“Illegal and probably stolen by some other rebel for their own illegal use.”

“The Rebellion itself is illegal.”

Cassian’s face still didn’t change, but Jyn herself was having trouble fighting a smile.

“Just get it out of here,” Cassian said to Kay.

Bodhi leaned over the table to look at the stamping on the crate. “Oh, I’ve heard of this brand, Cassian. It’s really good stuff. We occasionally got it on the whisper line.”

“What’s that?” Jyn asked.

“It’s what we used to trade things when we couldn’t get away,” Bodhi explained. “You’d ask someone to get you something, and they’d ask someone, and there’d be trades, and so on. This occasionally popped up, and we’d have a good time when it did.”

Jyn finally did laugh, imagining Bodhi drunk. “That is something I never expected to hear from you, Bodhi,” she said. "Good job." He smiled, and she thought he looked proud.

“Go on,” Cassian said to Kay, motioning with his hand for Kay to get rid of the crate.

Chirrut laid a hand on Cassian’s arm. “Come on, Captain. Let your crew relax for the evening.”

Cassian was now at his limit. _“Fine!”_ he huffed, and indicated to Jyn that he wanted out of the semicircular booth. He stood on the other side of the table, in front of the crate, hands on his hips, looming over them. “Do whatever you want. We won’t be at our target until the day after next. But if _any_ of you cannot carry out your duties tomorrow because you’re hungover, trust me, there will be hell to pay.”

He stormed off to his cabin and closed the door, and Baze raised his eyebrows as he stood up and began to open the crate. “Funny he should leave,” he said with a snort, “because he needs this the most.”

Jyn smiled again. She had to agree with that.

 

The crate contained ten different bottles of wine – two were missing, probably already having been drunk by whichever rebel or rebels had stolen the crate in the first place – and Baze, Chirrut, Bodhi, and Jyn split a couple bottles between themselves, enjoying real relaxation for the first time in a long time. Bodhi was a fun drunk, and laughed at absolutely everything and thought everything he said was hilarious; Baze became surprisingly affectionate; and Chirrut was, well, Chirrut. Exactly the same. Jyn had never been one to lose her wits when drinking, except when –

The memory slammed into her unexpectedly, and the wine suddenly rose up in her throat, burning her.

_The Hotspot._

_The morning after._

Suddenly she didn’t want anything more to drink.

She excused herself and left, but she knew her presence wouldn’t be missed. The crew was having enough fun anyway, and she’d only bring them down. She was going to turn in early for the night, but she paused at her door. Cassian’s was still closed. Hesitantly, she walked up to it and knocked. Kay had powered down once the drinking had started, so he probably wouldn’t cause any problems for the evening.

“It’s open,” Cassian called from inside.

Jyn walked into the dim room and shut the door. Only the desk lamp was on. Unsurprisingly, Cassian was on his datapad, but he was stretched out on his bunk, looking more relaxed now that he wasn’t around the crew.

“Just wanted to say goodnight,” Jyn said, and tried to ignore the fact that she hadn't been in his cabin since they'd made love for the first time. Cassian gestured to the door.

“The crew still at it?” he asked.

“Yes. They should be.”

“I’m not disagreeing with that.” He sat up, and Jyn saw him grip his right leg as it moved stiffly over the edge of the bed. It must have been giving him problems again lately, because she’d notice his hand stray to it when he thought no one was looking. She didn’t comment on it and made sure her eyes weren’t on it for very long. “I just don’t want them complaining in the morning or acting irresponsibly.”

Jyn shrugged. “Sometimes irresponsible things happen. Mistakes happen. You let them go and move on.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes moving on is harder than the mistake. Sometimes forgiving yourself for the mistake is what’s hardest.” He reached into the shadows next to his bunk and pulled up an open bottle of wine by the neck. Two-thirds of it was already gone. “I knew what was in that crate. I’m not an idiot. Of course I checked the cargo already.”

“Then why did you have Kay check?” Jyn asked, carefully approaching him.

“Because it was going to happen sooner or later,” Cassian said. “I just didn’t think the crew would jump at the chance to get drunk so eagerly.”

Jyn laughed. “I’m not at all surprised they did.”

Cassian smiled and held out the bottle. She took it and sat next to him on the bed, then took a swig. She already had a bit of a buzz going on, and it was pleasant. Part of her wished she were still out with the crew, because things were still weird with Cassian, but part of her was glad to be near him again. For a few minutes, they passed the bottle back and forth in silence.

“Kay pointed out once that I have more jackets than friends,” Cassian abruptly said, throwing Jyn with the admission. “That’s never bothered me until now.”

“I never realized you had such an extensive jacket collection,” Jyn said.

“Well, I think anything more than one counts as ‘more jackets than friends.’”

“You have friends now,” Jyn said as she handed the bottle to him. Cassian took a drink.

“Still more jackets, though,” he said, and Jyn smiled.

“I always eat dessert first,” she said. “When I get it. I always figured I’d rather die having eaten dessert rather than my vegetables.”

“The Alliance’s dessert is crap.” He passed the bottle back, and Jyn took a long pull, finishing it off. “Hey, take it easy there. I only have the other bottle, and I don’t know if I can swipe another one without the crew noticing.”

Jyn laughed again, feeling her buzz give way to legitimate drunkenness. Cassian leaned down and reached under his bed for the second bottle, which he opened. He handed it to Jyn first and took it back a moment later.

“I hate snow,” he said. “Fest was one big frozen mess. I can’t stand the stuff.”

“So Yavin’s better for you?” Jyn asked as she accepted the bottle back from him.

“The humidity is awful, but the temperature is okay. I’ve been to some worlds that have good weather. Perfect temperature, beautiful skies, peaceful…. And then when I left, it was because I’d accomplished my mission. Killed someone, gotten information, left someone or many someones behind to die…. ” He fell silent, eyes on the floor, and Jyn gave him the bottle.

“Earlier, you weren’t talking about the crew being irresponsible and making mistakes,” Jyn said. “Were you?” Cassian slowly shook his head. “I had this blaster once. It was a fantastic weapon. Very powerful. Always true when I fired it. Thing was, it inevitably misfired and burned me. Turned out I had put it together wrong in the first place, and it had some faulty parts, too. Finally I got tired of being burned and decided to take the thing apart and put it back together. Start over with it. After that, it never misfired again. It was the best blaster I ever had.”

Cassian nodded, took a final swig from the bottle, and recapped it. He set it on the ground and turned to Jyn, taking her hand in his. “I know you’re hurt,” he said. “I know I did it. I know I let the work get in the way of us, and I stupidly told you it was the other way around because I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t mean for that to happen, and I hate myself for it.” He looked up at her, and his eyes were soft and sincere. “I’m so sorry, Jyn. I know I don’t deserve for you to forgive me. For what I did to you and what I’ve done in the past. You deserve so much more. More than what I can offer you. On Scarif, when that blastwave hit, you were ready to die with me. I always knew I’d die some horrible way, alone, in the dark, but…then you were there. And it wasn't like that at all. I think about that all the time, and it just really messes with my head. It’s….” He broke off and let out a sigh before continuing. “I know you’re doubting me now. I would doubt me, too. I _do_. But…you know who I am, what I am, and I have never lied to you about that. Never.” He reached out and put his hand on her cheek, thumb brushing over her cheekbone. “You shatter me, Jyn. You’re all I think about sometimes.  _Eres todo lo que pienso._ I can’t keep myself together, or in control. You….” He stopped, murmuring in Festian and looking slightly flustered, before he shook his head and looked at her again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I have literally run out of words in Basic. That is the extent of my vocabulary.”

Jyn laughed and turned her face to his palm to kiss it, feeling tears in her eyes. She’d never heard so many words from him, so much _truth_ , and it moved her in a way she couldn’t even put her own words to. In the morning, she knew, once the alcohol wore off, he’d probably feel embarrassed, and they’d probably never talk about it again. But the words had been said, their meaning had been absorbed, and they could now move forward and start over. Cassian pulled her face to his as he leaned closer to hers, and he gently kissed her. It was sweet, and kind, and it asked for nothing in return. It would take time, she knew, before they were back to where they were before, but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, she reflected. She cherished her memories of the beginning of their relationship, and she didn’t regret a single moment of it. Now the real work would begin.

Now, they would finally get to know each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end! I know it sounds ending-like, but it's not! Or maybe I'll break it up into two fics. Dunno yet.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just more fluffy-fluff-fluff for Jyn and Cassian after all that wine, while the crew is plastered in the main hold. They'll be at their destination for their mission soon enough.

Jyn left Cassian’s cabin shortly after to get ready for bed and turn in for the night. The crew had gotten rowdy out in the main hold, and she went to check it out. Bodhi stood on top of the table belting out a fighting song.

_“We are loyal, so we fight! And we always do what’s right! We are the Empire. We are the future. We are the galaxy. We say hurrah!”_

“Hurrah!” Baze chorused. "BURN IN HELL!"

"BURN IN HELL!" Bodhi echoed.

Jyn smiled and applauded, and Bodhi tipped over off the side of the table with a shocked look on his face. He landed on his back, one leg tangled around the base of the table. “Might want to start thinking about winding down, guys,” Jyn said.

“But we just opened this bag of crisps!” Bodhi said, holding it up as evidence. “They’re Chirrut’s favorite. He brought them with.”

“His one vice,” Baze said.

“Of many,” Chirrut said. “A burden we must all bear.”

Whether he was talking about the crew bearing the burden of his so-called vices, or sentient beings having their own burdens, no one could tell, but Chirrut probably enjoyed that they didn’t know what the hell he meant. At any rate, he was smiling.

“Well, I’m going to bed,” Jyn said. “Bodhi, you’re cooking breakfast for everyone. I’m sleeping in.”

“But Cassian is the food-cooker,” Bodhi said, perching himself up on his elbows.

“Not tomorrow he’s not,” Jyn said as she turned and walked away. “ _You_ are.”

She grabbed her sleep shorts, tank top, towel, and toiletries from her cabin and headed to the refresher for a shower. When she came out, she bumped into Cassian. The crew was already getting loud again.

“Going to bed?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said, and covered a yawn with her hand. “I told them to be quiet, but apparently they didn’t listen.”

“I was just about to go tell them to shut up. They’ll listen to me.”

“Maybe,” Jyn said with a shrug. “Maybe not.” He sighed.

“Gonna be a long night. Want more wine?”

“No, I’m good.” She paused. “Wouldn’t mind the company, though. If you’re up to it,” she hastily added.

“Of course.” He backed up and let her pass him back into his cabin. Following her, he shut the door, and then joined her on the bed again.

And then they sat like that. Next to each other. Saying nothing.

Jyn stifled another yawn.

Cassian scratched the side of his nose with his thumb, his hand in a fist.

Jyn tapped out a rhythm on her knees and looked up at the ceiling.

Cassian pulled at a loose thread on the worn bedspread.

“We are officially the lamest drunks in the galaxy,” Jyn finally said.

“Well, in the Rebellion, certainly,” Cassian said. “I’ve seen things there even alcohol won’t erase.”

“Name one.”

“A Gamorrean getting a blow job.”

Jyn made a thoroughly disgusted face. “Ewwwwwwww,” she said. “Why did you _tell_ me that?”

“Because you asked, and it was the first awful thing I thought of.” He tapped the side of his head. “It made quite an impact.”

“Was it at least with another Gamorrean?”

“No, it was a Rodian.”

“What the fuck…?”

“That is exactly what I said. Interrupted the whole thing. The Gamorrean hunted me down the next day and attacked me.” He pulled up his left sleeve and showed her a wide scar on his forearm. “They’re good with axes, in case you weren’t aware.”

“Oh, I’m aware,” Jyn replied. “Is not finishing a blowjob really worth attacking someone? Is it really that good?”

Cassian leaned back on his elbows with a smile, averting his gaze from hers. “It’s pretty good.”

Jyn leaned back with her own smile, her hands behind her head. “Well. We ladies don’t have it so bad ourselves, if you’ve got the right person for the job.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Enthusiasm is what’s key. And dedication. Or so I’ve learned.”

“That goes both ways.”

Jyn laughed to herself, and they fell silent again. It was a companionable silence, and for her part, she was content. Cassian seemed to be as well. After another moment, he rolled over, still propped up on one elbow. He moved a lock of Jyn’s hair away from her face, and she stared up at him as his eyes took her in.

“I missed….” he started, then didn’t quite seem to know how to finish. “This.”

But it didn’t matter. Jyn knew what he meant. “Me, too,” she said, and thought she’d push it a little further. Quietly, hardly daring to speak the words louder than they needed to be said, she told him, “I missed _you_.”

He didn’t reply, just leaned down and kissed her. It was so chaste, but it was okay that it was. She didn’t think that she could handle anything more than that right now. He kissed her again, and it reminded her very much of the kisses when she was younger. Innocent. New. She felt Cassian’s hand rest on her stomach, but he kept it there. He didn’t move it up to her breasts or down between her legs. The only thing he did, after a few moments, was reach up to her left hand, intertwine their fingers, and pull her hand to the back of his neck. Jyn curled her fingers around him, into his hair, and he felt so _good_ again, that she sighed, and her mouth opened under his involuntarily. His mouth opened for her as well, and Jyn deepened their kiss. She could dimly hear the raucous crew out in the hold, but mostly her senses were finely attuned to Cassian. How he felt. How he smelled. How he kissed her. How he made her feel.

He kept his body off hers, as if too scared to touch her. Still kissing him, Jyn moved away from the wall and toward his pillow – another invitation. He took it and draped himself over her, his body pressing into hers.

When they finally stopped kissing, Cassian looked into her eyes again. “I don’t know how we’re going to do this. I want to, but I don’t know how.”

“Together, right?” Jyn said, brushing at the hair on his forehead.

“The logistics alone…. Draven can’t know about this.”

“I know.”

“If he finds out, he’ll separate us. He’ll do anything to keep me. I’d never see you again. But I’d…I’d not let that happen,” he finished quietly. “I’d find a way. Whatever it took. If you’d still have me and my terrible company.”

Jyn moved away so they were lying side by side, and snuggled into him. “You’re not terrible all the time.”

“Just most of it?” he said as he wrapped his arm around her.

“Just some of it,” she replied with a smile he couldn’t see, but she made sure he could hear it in her voice. “You don’t realize that your self-hate hurts us. Hurts _me_. It’s what made you push me away. You think it’s all about yourself, but it’s not. You have people who truly care about you.” She pulled back to look him in the eye. “I know you’re not happy. I wish we could make you happy. I wish _I_ could.”

Cassian took her hand in his own and gave her a sad smile. “You do, Jyn. But…the only reason we’re even talking like this is because we’re both really drunk. Tomorrow, we’ll go back to being normal. Being ourselves. What does that say about us? Or about our future?”

Jyn frowned at him. “You’re a depressing drunk,” she said, and ducked her head into his chest again.

“I’m a depressing person.”

“Keep acting like that, and I’m going to leave.”

“I wasn’t going to ask you to stay.”

Jyn yawned. “It’s late anyway. I should get to bed. We both should.”

“Yeah.” Cassian let go of her, and she stood up, stretching. He walked her to his door and put his hand on the panel. He leaned down as she looked up, and their foreheads touched. “I know I can’t ask you to stay….”

“But maybe you should anyway,” Jyn said.

Cassian smiled. “Will you stay?”

“Of course.”

They retraced their steps back to the bunk, and Cassian turned back the covers. Jyn got in first, as always, and Cassian got in next to her. She scooted back and fit herself against him, and he wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her bare shoulder and breathed out, stirring tendrils of her hair.

“Goodnight, my Jyn,” he said quietly.

“Goodnight,” Jyn said, her eyes already closed. “My Cassian.”

He sighed again, and to Jyn, he sounded more contented than she had ever heard him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of the sabotage mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m baaaack. Sorrrryyyy for late update. Hope this (more than??) makes up for it!!

The quiet chirp of Cassian’s comlink brought Jyn out of a deep sleep.

            “What?” he said into it, voice groggy. Jyn couldn’t make out the reply, but she could hear enough to know it was Kay. “I’ll be right there.”

            He left the room, shutting the door behind him, and Jyn rolled over, inhaling his scent on the pillow. Her fingers clutched it to her, as if she could hold onto him while he was gone. She’d dozed and nearly fallen asleep again when he came back. The room was almost completely dark, so she couldn’t see him, but she could hear him changing into his sleep clothes. Jyn moved back in the bunk so he could get in, then curled around him when he lay on his side.

            “Everything okay?” she asked.

            “Yeah,” he said. “Just a course adjustment.”

            He sighed, and Jyn could hear how tired he was. “Tell me something about you no one else knows,” Jyn said.

            “What?”

            Jyn shrugged, not that he could see it. “Tell me something honest.”

            Cassian was quiet a moment. “I’ve never had a nickname. You?”

            “No. Well, an older woman in Saw’s cadre called me ‘Jynnie’ for a bit when I was nine. It was horrible. I beat her up eventually.” She thought about something she could tell him, something different. “I can sew pretty well. Had to learn to repair clothes that got ripped.”

            “That’s actually a pretty useful skill.”

            “It is.”

            His breathing began to slow, and Jyn felt drowsy herself.

            “Goodnight, Jyn,” he said.

            “Goodnight,” she replied, then waited a beat. “Cass.”

            He snorted, but she thought maybe he liked it.

            Just a little bit.

 

Bodhi was sitting at the table holding a pack of ice to his head when Jyn walked into the main hold in the next morning.

            “Good morning!” she said. Bodhi groaned.

            “No talking,” he said. “Too loud. Lights too bright.” Eyes still closed, he pointed in the general direction of the galley. “Breakfast.”

            “Thank you.”

            He’d prepared a meager, unappetizing meal of cold, sludgy oats, but Jyn took a bowl anyway and began to eat. Cassian was still in his cabin on his datapad. They’d be at Alstinsky soon, which meant that he was laser-focused on their mission.

            Chirrut came into the hold with a smile. “How is your headache, master pilot?”

            Bodhi moaned.

            “Nourish yourself, but do not berate yourself for enjoying your night.”

            Bodhi dropped his forehead onto the table.

            Baze didn’t emerge for another hour, yawning and looking like he’d rather be sleeping still. He didn’t bother saying good morning, but he did look disappointed with breakfast.

            “I know,” Bodhi said. “I’m a failure.”

            “You’re not a failure, Bodhi,” Jyn said, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “You didn’t have to deal with Saw Gerrera after a night of drinking. Don't worry. I’ll handle Cassian.”

            Chirrut gave her a knowing look, but Jyn kept her face neutral.

            Except she was the one who looked away first.

            But not before she caught a smile from Chirrut.

 

 

They landed on Alstinsky around midday and scoped the communications center out throughout the day. The first part of the mission was to see why the Empire was after Alstinsky when before, they hadn’t bothered with it due to the high cost of extracting the planet’s precious gems. When Jyn made to go with Cassian to his midnight meeting with an extremely questionable contact of his, he refused, deeming it too unsafe.

            Their argument lasted fifteen minutes and made the entire crew uncomfortable.

            Kay finally broke in with a string of statistics, Bodhi turned on music he’d brought along and awkwardly tapped on his knees to the beat, Chirrut started chanting, and Baze oiled down his cannon and looked entirely unaffected.

            “Little sister,” he said, not looking up from what he was doing, “you are wasting both your time and breath.”

            “Even the most strong-willed yields,” Chirrut added, “but sometimes it’s the lightest touch as makes the strongest push.”

            Jyn’s and Cassian’s heads whipped toward him, both of them glaring.

            “You’ve got an hour,” Jyn said, turning back to Cassian. “If you’re not back, Kay and I are coming after you.”

            _“One hour?”_ Cassian replied incredulously, eyebrows raised. “It’s a twenty-minute walk.”

            Jyn raised her own brows. “Then you’d better talk fast, hadn’t you?”

            “Jyn, you’re being irrational – ”

            “ _I’m_ irrational? You’re the one who could be walking into a death trap and won’t take backup.”

            “I told you, if I bring backup, she’s going to get spooked,” Cassian said. “And I have to go _now_ if I want to make it.”

            Jyn stuck her finger up in his face. _“One. Hour, Cassian.”_

"You're not the one giving the orders here."

            "I'll tell you where you can put your orders," Jyn said. "It's not pretty."

            He didn't reply, just scowled at her, grabbed an extra weapon, concealed it in his jacket, and left.

            "ONE HOUR!" she shouted after him, then turned on her heel to face the crew, her arms crossed tight.

            They blinked back at her, wordless. For a few moments, only the humming and whirring of the ship’s necessary background systems could be heard. Jyn glared some more, even though she wasn’t angry at them, and they’d stayed out of it.

            “Anyone else care to have a go?” she said.

            “I’m too old for this,” Baze said, lovingly caressing his cannon as if it understood what he was going through. “You children and your bickering.”

            “He can’t see reason,” Jyn said as she dropped down beside him and picked up a rag, the bottle of oil, and one of the cannon’s inner components.

            “He wants to protect you,” Chirrut said.

            “I don’t _need_ protecting,” Jyn growled through gritted teeth, rubbing the metal hard. “He needs protection from _himself_.”

            “The Force is strong when two may be as one.”

            The rag stopped moving in Jyn’s hand, and her chest constricted while her breath caught. She could almost feel her heart stop.

            “That’s teamwork,” she replied. “Knowing how the other works.”

            “I do not believe that is what he meant,” Kaytoo said. “Bodhi, turn the music down.”

            “Sorry,” Bodhi called from the cockpit, and dialed it back.

            Jyn slammed the component on the metal table and scooted out of the booth. “Well, I’m not going to just sit here and wait around.” She headed to the weapons locker and took out her truncheons and blaster – the one she’d stolen from Cassian’s duffel before they’d gone to Jedha. She still hadn’t returned it, and she didn’t really intend to.

            “Where are you going?” Kay asked.

            “You know where,” she replied.

            “That is a terrible idea.”

            “Not asking your advice or blessing, Kay.”

            Kay thundered over and stood next to her, blocking the egress ramp. “Your captain told you to wait here,” he warned.

            Jyn looked up into the droid’s face. Her fight wasn’t with him, and she didn’t want to argue with him. “I actually still haven’t officially signed up for the Alliance,” she said. “Not taken any vows, nothing. So, _technically_ , he’s not really my captain.”

            “I order you to stand down, Jyn Erso.”

            “I don’t take orders from you either, Kay. Now move out of my way.”

            “I will not.”

            “You are wasting my time, and putting Cassian in further danger,” Jyn said.

            “Stand. _Down._ ”

            Since he wouldn’t move, Jyn was forced to dart past him, too quickly for him to turn on his servomotors and grab her. Her feet hit the duracrete of the landing pad before the droid could do anything, and she slapped the panel to close the ramp. The night was cool but pleasant, a light mist falling. Jyn headed out of the spaceport.

            She already knew where to go.

            It was a breach of their trust, Jyn knew, because Cassian had let her look over his shoulder as he’d made notes on the official mission brief – the one only he was allowed to see. It had included the address of where he was meeting his contact, and Jyn had plugged it into another datapad, memorized the directions, and then wiped the search. Cassian had maybe five to seven minutes ahead of her, but if she hurried, she should be able to stake a place out where she could cover him and not miss much of the beginning of the meeting. His contact, a woman who only went by a name and a number, sounded far too shady for Jyn’s liking. Cassian knew a lot of people on the fringe, but P4 was too much for Jyn to sit around and do nothing.

            By the time Jyn made it to Cassian’s meeting point, passing strung-out druggies on the street and passed-out alcoholics in gutters, Cassian was already talking to P4. Jyn found an access ladder to a building in the dead-end alleyway and climbed up, then stretched out on the roof and drew her blaster. The building was low enough that she could hear the conversation, but the constant police sirens, sounds of brawls, and background arguments made it difficult to hear.

            “Sorry, Sward, that’s all I got,” P4 said with a shrug. “Empire not doing anything here.”

            “They _are_ ,” Cassian insisted, “and you _know_ they are. Are you working for _them_ now?”

            “Suppose I am.”

            “Just give me the information, and I’ll go. This doesn’t have to be difficult.”

            “Well, since it’s you, then,” P4 said. It sounded too easy even to Jyn, untrained as she was in Intelligence work. If she already sensed that, then Cassian had to have known from the start that things had somehow gone south. “New tech to get the jewels out,” P4 continued. “They’re going to strip-mine this whole planet, put the jewels on the black market, jack the prices up, and turn this planet into one big, ugly slum.” Jyn could see her grin, black spaces dotting her mouth where teeth should be. “That’s a freebie, Sward.”

            “Thank you,” he said, not quite growling. “I appreciate it.”

            “Just go.”

            “After you.”

            P4 let out a cackle. “Right, so you can knife me in the back? I don’t think so.”

            “Now why would I do that?” Cassian asked. “You’re useful.”

            “And you’re Alliance,” she said, and her face went dead serious, her body going rigid. Jyn tensed, but Cassian didn’t – not that Jyn was surprised. Jyn aimed her blaster at the woman’s face. “I know who you are, Sward. I’ve been checking out your background. There’s not much, and it’s taken me a good long while, time I coulda spent doing a lotta other things, but I never trusted you. I know your name is fake. Don’t know your real one, I’ll admit that, but I know Sward is an alias. My guess is _you_ don’t even know your real one.” She spat on the ground between them. “And that is what I think of you. You see that? That’s what you are. Worse than. You’re worse than me. You’d sell anybody out for your own hide, and that’s what I hate about you. Me, I at least got people I’m loyal to. The Empire pays me good, and they’re going to be happy I eliminated you, whoever you are. The only thing you are is a liar and a cheat, and I doubt there’s anybody alive stupid enough to trust you or be loyal to you. This entire galaxy isn’t big enough to find a person who would take a blaster bolt for you.”

            Jyn didn’t care how mad Cassian would be; she just acted. Her finger squeezed on the trigger, and a red bolt shot forth. It hit the woman in the shoulder, and she looked up toward Jyn. Cassian didn’t look up, his blaster already out and tracking. His bolt went wide as P4 reacted and lunged at him. Jyn jumped down and landed in a crouch, whipping her truncheons out. She hit P4 in the shoulder first, and the woman howled as the weapon connected with her wound. Jyn’s second blow struck her in the head, and Cassian’s shot, execution-style, took her down for good.

            Then Cassian looked up at Jyn.

            “I thought I told you,” he said, “to wait on the ship.”

            “You did,” Jyn said, putting her truncheons away and reaching down to grab the body under the armpits and drag it back behind the dumpster. She came out, brushing her hands together. “Ready to go?”

            Cassian grabbed her elbow and yanked her back. “You disobeyed my orders.”

            Jyn looked him in the eye. He looked furious, lips compressed in a line, eyes blazing. She wondered if any of the stuff P4 had said to him bothered him. Maybe he’d heard it all before. He probably believed it, at any rate. “You needed me.”

            “I could have handled myself.”

            “I wasn’t about to take that chance.” She brushed his arm off. “Can we go now? This place is awful.”

            _“Jyn.”_ She looked back at him. _“You. Disobeyed. My. Orders.”_

            “I heard you the first time.”

            Cassian slowly shook his head at her. “We’ll handle this on the ship.”

            Their hurried walk back to the ship was silent. When they boarded, Kay immediately started babbling about how _he’d told Jyn_ and _she didn’t listen_ and _Cassian was her captain_ and _why didn’t she listen_ and _she couldn’t be trusted_ and –

            “QUIET, KAY!” he finally roared. “Everybody, back to work! That’s an order!”

            “You lot probably do take orders well,” Kay said to the rest of the crew as Cassian marched Jyn down to his quarters. “I know Bodhi does. Bodhi is best at it.”

            Cassian pulled Jyn into his cabin and shut the door. Then he turned away from her and grabbed his head, as if he just couldn’t comprehend her.

            “I gave you orders,” he finally said, his voice very quiet and his head now buried in his hands. “You deliberately disobeyed. _Why?_ ”

            “I didn’t trust your contact,” Jyn said as gently as she could, afraid of angering him further.

            “How did you even know….” His voice trailed off, and he turned back to her. The look on his face… _betrayal_ …caused Jyn to step back. “You saw the address on my datapad.”

            Jyn slowly shook her head. “I had to, Cassian.” Her voice came out breathy, and she clamped her mouth shut after the words left it.

            He walked up to her, and she forced herself to look up into his face and meet his eyes. Just like she had earlier, he held his finger up to her face. _“Don’t. Do it. Again.”_

            “I can’t promise that,” she whispered. “I knew you were walking into something dangerous. I couldn’t let you.” She paused, then added, “We’re a team.”

            “That’s no excuse. If you were anyone else – ”

            “But I’m not.” Jyn stared him down, her face stony and resolute.

            Finally, Cassian backed down, and he wrapped his arms around her. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said quietly. His fingers slid up her neck into her hair. He gave her a kiss on the cheek…lingered…and Jyn turned her face, her lips meeting his. She was glad she was okay, too, and that he was as well. The fear she had felt when P4 had blown Cassian’s cover…she didn’t like that. The fear made her fearful. It was too scary. She didn’t like feeling so much. But feeling Cassian back in her arms again, everything was okay once more. _He_ was okay. He was alive still.

            They wound up on the bed side by side, Cassian’s hand sliding up and down her side under her shirt. Jyn rolled over to her back, pulling him along, and he ground down into her.

            “Get these off,” she gasped, grabbing at his belt and pants. He complied, and their lips only left each other’s long enough to remove shirts. Then he was pressing between her again, pushing, and she gasped a deep breath of air as he was inside her again for the first time since he’d told her they had to stop being together after The Hotspot incident. Cassian had been so afraid to touch her, following her lead, and Jyn hadn’t been ready up until now. He moved gently inside her, none of his rough intensity at The Hotspot, his eyes on hers, fingers brushing hair away, supporting himself on his elbows.

            His eyes were still locked with hers when he whispered, “Can I try something?”

            Jyn nodded, unsure but willing to trust him. He pulled out of her and repositioned them so she was sitting backward on his lap, and he was holding her. They rocked, and he pulled his fingers down through her hair, now out of its bun, and kissed her neck and shoulders. This was new for Jyn, and she didn’t know if it was new for him, but it didn’t really matter. Cassian’s arms wrapped around her, his cheek against her hair, and he told her again that he was glad she was okay. He spoke in his native language, and Jyn thought maybe he was repeating the sentiment.

            When he pushed her forward onto her hands and knees, she wasn’t expecting it. Nor was she expecting him to pull out again and move down the bed so his face was under her, between her legs. His mouth touched her, and her arms shook hard. She gripped onto the bedspread to steady herself, and she felt his hands take hold of her hips and pull her closer. Jyn tossed her hair back from her face, and shifted her balance so she could pick up her hand and wrap it around his base. Then she lowered her own mouth to him and took him in, and she heard him groan. This was another thing she had not done before, each pleasuring the other, too intimate to perform with a partner who was only in it for quick release. She found it hard to concentrate, easy to lose focus as Cassian’s mouth worked its exquisite magic on her, kissing, licking, sucking, teasing, then his fingers sliding into her, _crooking_ , then him sucking _hard_ again and it was all over and she lifted her mouth from him lest she hurt him as she came.

            He still didn’t stop.

            Jyn took him into her mouth again and refocused, using her hand as well and hoping he didn’t notice that she really had no experience with this. _It’s pretty good_ , he had told her before when the topic had come up, and she hoped so much that he wasn’t disappointed in her. It had never been something she’d been able to do in the past with someone she cared about. She had unpleasant memories of it, and she did want to create new ones with Cassian.

            But then he abruptly moved out of her way, and she was afraid it really _was_ bad, until he pulled her to him and kissed her and said, “Sorry, you were getting me too close.” Jyn smiled into him and kissed him again, and she hardly even registered him pulling his desk chair over and moving them onto it. She held onto the back of it, pressing herself down onto him, taking him in deep and then deeper, her shoulders hunched up, her eyes closed, and he kissed her nipples and her neck. Her toes didn’t even touch the ground. Cassian grasped her bottom and rolled her hips onto him, over and over, controlling their pace, and Jyn began to feel delirious, the pleasure turning her entire body soft. Her eyes were still closed when Cassian moved them back to the bed, cradling her body as he did so, and gently laying her back so that her head lay on the pillow. He kissed her face and her neck and her breasts, and each thrust from him was so slow, their hips rolling in perfect unison with one another, that it felt it would never end. Sometimes he pushed on her knees with his hands for more leverage; sometimes he lay down over her and kissed her over and over again. Jyn reached her arms up to him, but she could barely control the movement, and then she felt him push harder, faster, and then, when she knew he was going to come,

            “Jyn,” he said, “I love you.”

            And her world exploded into brilliance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am totally thinking about writing this last scene from Cassian's POV as a separate piece. Lemme know if you'd want to see that! I like writing from his POV when I get the chance.
> 
> **UPDATE 8/20/17**  
> [I did indeed write Cassian's POV!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11854083)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn contemplates Cassian’s words to her, and what he means to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m BACK!! Short chapter, but I’m trying to get back into the groove. Longer chapters to come later. Sorry it took me…2 months…to update…

As she lay by Cassian’s side, her fingers tangling and untangling with his, Jyn listened to the silence. Their crewmates had gone to bed, and it was a rare moment where she and Cassian could just… _be_. Her mind wandered, thinking about the night and disobeying his orders and not regretting it, thinking about making love to him, thinking about…his words.

_I love you._

These were not words that Jyn had heard often. _I love you, Stardust. I love you, darling._ She’d heard these words from Papa and Mama, but that had been so long ago. Saw certainly never said them. Showing love that way would be too weak. It was unacceptable for Saw. But he had loved her, in his own way.

This way, though…Jyn didn’t know what _this way_ was.

Did she feel _this way_ , too?

That was too much to think about.

Jyn turned over in the bed and kissed Cassian’s forehead. “It wasn’t true, what that woman said. Any of it.”

He shrugged a little, the gesture showing discomfort. “It was, a little,” he said.

“I would take a blaster bolt for you,” Jyn said. “You know that. And people _do_ trust you. Draven. Mon Mothma. Princess Leia.”

“Well.” He looked away.

Jyn didn’t try again, instead kissing his sharp cheekbone, his lips, his chin. She worked her way down his body, her fingers skimming, pressing kisses into his skin. She was tired – it was late and the meeting with P4, along with the lovemaking, had worn her out – but the moments they had like these were so few, so rare, so precious, that she wanted to take advantage of it. She wanted to really _see_ Cassian, to feel him and touch him, in a moment of silence where she didn’t have to rush. She touched his scars, kissed every one she could find, the new and the old. She kissed each finger, took each into her mouth, and he murmured her name.

By the time she got to his hips, he’d hardened again. Jyn slid back up his body, his erection dragging against her, and he groaned.

“Sorry,” he said, and Jyn smiled.

“Where do you want to be?” she asked. “In my mouth or between my legs?”

Cassian raised his eyebrows. “I’ve never heard you talk like that.”

“I’m very tired. Last chance.”

He kissed her instead of answering right away, but it was a gentle kiss, soft and sweet. “I don’t want to ask for anything you’re not willing to give.”

Jyn knew what he wanted to ask for, and it _was_ something she wanted to give him. Her heart skipped ahead just a little faster in nervous anticipation. “Maybe you should just ask.”

His reply was soft. “I really want to be in your mouth. Please.”

Jyn’s voice lowered, too, to a whisper. “Okay. I’m just…not good at this. My experience hasn’t been good, but I want to…I want it to be different.”

“We don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

His kiss was fierce, and she felt all of his emotions for her then, his love he’d proclaimed for her, the urge to protect her. She pulled away, moving quickly lest she lose her nerve, and kissed her way down his body again. He was still hard, and she took a breath, hoped he wouldn’t notice, and lowered her mouth to him. It was immediately clear that he enjoyed it, and his sounds encouraged her. She closed her eyes, focused on what she was doing, and found that it wasn’t so bad, and was so much different when she truly cared about someone the way she cared about Cassian. He spoke soft words about how good it felt, how good her mouth felt on him, and she felt more confident about this thing that had worried her, even though it had seemed so small and insignificant. But it _wasn’t_ , because she wanted to make Cassian feel good the way he made her feel good, because she was…she knew she was…she felt she was…

…She was completely in love with him. The same as he was with her. That was the truth, clear as starlight, and she knew it was. She’d always known it.

Afterward, when he’d come in her hand and they’d cleaned up, he held her, and she wanted to tell him, to say the same words to him he’d just said to her, but she couldn’t. Not just yet. She was still so scared. If she said them, the universe might hear, and it might take him from her. For now, if she kept those words in her heart, he was safe.

The universe couldn’t take what she couldn’t utter.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn never checks her messages, Cassian has no patience with it, and Jyn’s account is suspended for further investigation when she makes multiple inappropriate comments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I indicated there’d be a part 2 to the mission, but I just lose a lot of motivation for this fic when I try to get too involved in missions. Plus, I’ve had a bunch of chapters written for months that I’ve never been able to post because I’ve been stuck on this mission. Sooo, I’m just going to move on. I made a brief reference to them completing the mission to tie it up.

**From:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1621  
**Subject:** Meeting

You missed meeting at 1600. Could not locate you. Resched’d for 1900 tonight. Need to be there. Shipping out tonight.

 **From:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
Sent at: 1707  
Subject: Re: Meeting

did i? sorry

 **From:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1723  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

Draven was there plus Mothma. Looks bad. They were pleased with your performance on Alstinsky, but that’s no excuse.

 **From:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1726  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

i said i was sorry. whats my punishment

 **From:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1729  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

You need to carry datapad Intel gave you plus check messages and also wear chrono. Standard.

 **From:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1738  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

yeah thats pretty bad id better not fuck up again.

 **From:** Alliance Technical Support  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1738  
**Subject:** [MESSAGE FAILURE] Re: Meeting

This is an automated message from Alliance Technical Support. You have violated the usage agreement, specifically the subsection(s) below:

3b: Profanity

Due to the nature of this violation, your message has been forwarded to your commanding officer for further disciplinary action.

Please expand the subsection(s) for more information. If you have any questions, please see your commanding officer.

RESIST,  
Alliance Technical Support

 **From:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1739  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

i got in trouble for cursing. now ill really need punishing

 **From:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1741  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

I saw. Just be at meeting.

 **From:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1802  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

might be a little hard for me.

 **From:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt  
**Sent at:** 1803  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

Am attaching notes.

 **From:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1815  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

yeah that’s too hard for me. way way too hard. Youre going to have to explain in person. Personally

 **From:** Alliance Technical Support  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1815  
**Subject:** [MESSAGE FAILURE] Re: Meeting

This is an automated message from Alliance Technical Support. You have violated the usage agreement, specifically the subsection(s) below:

3c: Sexual Harassment

Due to the nature of this violation, your message has been forwarded to your commanding officer for further disciplinary action.

Please expand the section for more information. If you have any questions, please see your commanding officer.

RESIST,  
Alliance Technical Support

 **From** : Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1818  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

i just got in trouble for sexually harassing you

 **From:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1819  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

I saw. Look over notes by meeting time.

 **From: J** yn Erso, Sgt.  
**To:** Cassian Andor, Capt.  
**Sent at:** 1822  
**Subject:** Re: Meeting

the alliance has no fucking sense of humor. sometimes I feel like it can go to hell.

 **From:** Alliance Technical Support  
**To:** Jyn Erso, Sgt.  
**Sent at:** 1922  
**Subject:** [MESSAGE FAILURE] Re: Meeting

This is an automated message from Alliance Technical Support. You have violated the usage agreement, specifically the subsection(s) below:

3b: Profanity

3g: Overt Threats to the Alliance to Restore the Republic

Due to the serious nature of the violation of subsection 3g., your message has been immediately forwarded to Alliance Command for review. Your account is temporarily suspended. Please report to your commanding officer immediately.

RESIST,  
Alliance Technical Support


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draven has a new mission for the crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …and it’s actually written, so there won’t be as big of a delay with updating this time. Also, I know I need to get them off Yavin 4. I’m workin’ on it.

Draven didn’t even bother hiding his displeasure at Jyn’s tardiness. When she walked into the briefing six minutes late, his arms were crossed as per usual and his eyes were on the large digital chrono mounted on the wall.

“Erso, the tardiness, please,” he said.

“My apologies,” Jyn said. “I’m aware of the mission parameters, though. Captain Andor did a very satisfactory job filling me in earlier.”

Cassian shifted his weight to the other foot and crossed his arms, but his face gave nothing away. Jyn was pleased with her double entendre and the fact that she’d publicly made him uncomfortable enough that he _had_ outwardly reacted. He certainly wasn’t lying when he said she made him lose his focus.

Draven walked to the holoprojector, punching a button to bring up a headshot of a severe-looking man in an Imperial uniform. “This is Telk Fjstad. We’ve been tracking him since we destroyed the Death Star, but he’s burrowed even further underground and we’ve lost him. As far as we know, he was the one Imperial to escape the battle station alive. He used a shuttle to collect data on our base, and he’s been trying to get it back to the Empire ever since. He knows we’re onto him, though, and so he hasn’t been able to get back.” Draven hit another button, and a smiling family photo flashed up. “The Kernow family. Artor, Nella, Emma, and Vin. Artor is one of Andor’s our own, but he left the Alliance some years ago to start a family. As we say, though, once Intel, you’re Intel for life.”

Jyn glanced at Cassian, but his eyes were on the hologram.

“The planet Margran was the last place we tracked Fjstad to, and we contacted Artor to ask him to keep tabs on him. He thinks he knows where he is, but we can’t risk sending that information over the comms. We risked enough communicating to Artor as it was. The family is in danger, and we need to bring them back here as soon as possible to debrief. That is where your team comes in. We need you to get in, extract them, and get out.” He paused. “Now what’s this I’m hearing about sexual harassment and threats to the Alliance?”

#

Half an hour later, Draven dismissed them, and they went in search of the Rogue One crew to brief them. They would be leaving within the hour. Everyone seemed pretty excited and expressed their displeasure at being stuck on base with nothing to do the past few days.

It took Jyn only a few minutes to pack her things, and then she went to Cassian’s quarters.

“Kay, the ship’s supplies still haven’t been checked yet,” Cassian said to the droid. “Please see to that.”

The droid hesitated a moment, obviously suspecting something, but complied. Cassian waited until he was far enough down to corridor before allowing Jyn in.

“We won’t be able to fool him for long,” he said. “He knows me far too well.”

“Well, we’ll keep it a secret for as long as possible,” she said, sliding her arms around his neck. “I actually stopped by with a purpose.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I have a concern about the mission.”

“Tell me.” He kissed her neck slowly, his hands already on her back.

“Yes,” Jyn said. “We’re going to have to share the _Rogue One_ with four more people when we extract the family, which means giving up our cabins. We’re going to have to sleep awfully close together in the main hold. I’m concerned my commanding officer might try to make a move.”

“That is a legitimate concern,” he said. “He thinks you’re awfully pretty.” After another kiss to her neck he said, “Thanks for the awkward moment during the briefing, by the way. Telling Draven I _filled you in earlier_? Stars, Jyn.”

Jyn chuckled. “I don’t think he got it, if it makes you feel any better.”

“I don’t think he’s been laid in over a decade, which _does_ make me feel better.”

“Mm, enough about Draven’s sex life,” Jyn said.

“Although yours is apparently just _satisfactory_?” Cassian said.

“I said _very_ satisfactory,” Jyn corrected. “I couldn’t very well say you filled me in so incredibly, I moaned so loud you had to shush me and your neighbors wouldn’t look at me when I saw them at breakfast.” She smiled at him, and he smiled back, seeming pleased with her compliment. “You’re more than adequate in bed, and you know you are. Just kiss me, Captain.”

He did, but briefly, though, before saying quietly, “Is that how you want it, then? That way?”

Jyn shrugged, running her hands over his shoulders. “Maybe rank turns me on. You don’t know.”

“I would like to know.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet you would.” She grabbed his lapels and pulled him to her for a kiss, and he gave a little laugh as she tugged him over to the bed.

#

They were over fifteen minutes late boarding the ship, and the entire Rogue One crew shot them nasty looks.

Well. Everyone besides Chirrut, smiling serenely and leaning on his staff. Cassian sent him his own dirty look.

“Problem?” Cassian shot back at the crew. Jyn wondered if the two of them really did smell like sex. Her hand came up to smooth her hair self-consciously, belatedly wishing she’d pulled her hairbrush out of her bag for a quick run-through of her strands before they’d boarded.

Baze shrugged, unaffected by Cassian’s bravado, and continued cleaning his cannon at the table. Bodhi said, “We were supposed to leave almost twenty minute ago. Where _were_ you? Ground Control have been on the comms asking why we haven’t taken off yet! They’re about to call General Draven on us!”

“Dunno why,” Cassian lied smoothly as he headed back to his cabin. “I was speaking to Draven just now.”

“And Jyn?” Bodhi asked, turning his agitation on her.

“I don’t know where Jyn was,” Cassian called from the cabin hallway. “You four are not my responsibility when we’re on base. As long as you’re carrying out your responsibilities while on duty, I don’t care.”

“What, she wasn’t with you?” Bodhi pressed, oblivious.

“Certainly not,” Cassian said as he came back into the main hold. He leaned casually against the bulkhead, arms and ankles crossed. “Last I heard, she was spending a lot of time in the pilots’ lounge.”

Jyn gaped at him in shock at his lie – spreading rumors he’d made up on the fly, _really_? – but Bodhi’s mouth hung open more.

“He’s lying,” Jyn said, narrowing her eyes at Cassian. “You should watch what comes out of your mouth, _Captain_.”

“I could say the same about yours, _Sergeant_ ,” he returned. “Was that a threat? I should bring you up on charges.”

“Maybe you should. What do you do for reprimands around here?”

Bodhi spun around in place, clearly consternated, and whacked his hand against the wall. “Please stop fighting! Why can’t you two just get along?! Can’t we all be friends?” He marched off down the access hallway to the cockpit and closed the door.

Kaytoo, who until now had remained silent, said, “There is something very bizarre about all of this. Very, very bizarre.”

Chirrut chuckled. “I believe the Captain’s cage has been unlocked rather profoundly.”

“That’s it exactly,” Cassian said, pointing at Chirrut. “We lock people in cages.”

Baze snorted and got up, dragging his cannon along with him. “You two are terrible at flirting. Everyone knows it. Just be quiet so we can all get some sleep.”

Chirrut, tittering to himself and perfectly happy with how the exchange had turned out, marched after Baze and turned into his own cabin. Jyn and Cassian, watching them go, looked back at one another once they were alone with Kaytoo.

“I knew it,” Kaytoo said with solemn finality. “And I disapprove. You have absolutely no idea how much I disapprove.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team extricates the Kernows, but it does not go well.

It was, Jyn thought, completely unfair that the Rebellion had probably some of the most unflattering fashion known to human- and alienkind, and yet somehow, Cassian Andor managed to make it look dead sexy. Even in his utilitarian khaki pants that looked like they’d been cut for one size only, he somehow found a way to wear them on his lithe frame in a way that looked good.

Jyn narrowed her eyes behind her cup of caf and wondered how she was supposed to pay attention to any sort of mission when _that_ was walking around in front of her.

 _“Jyn,”_ Cassian snapped. “Did you hear me?”

Right. That was how.

“I heard you,” she retorted, taking a large gulp of her coffee that turned into a slurp that dribbled out onto her shirt. “Ugh.”

Baze cackled, and Jyn shot him a glare.

“Napkins!” Bodhi said, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I’m always forgetting something. I think they were in a supply crate – ”

“Kay, get some napkins, please,” Cassian said patiently. He didn’t look amused, and Jyn avoided his gaze. The droid marched off, and he didn’t seem happy, either.

“This is supposed to be easy,” Cassian said. “We get in and get the Kernows out. I sincerely doubt it will actually _be_ that easy, though.”

“This planet has a dark presence,” Chirrut said ominously.

They couldn’t see Margran from their location in the main hold, but they were currently in orbit waiting to pass over to the other side, where their target was.

“Bodhi, get back to the controls,” Cassian said. Bodhi nodded and left. “With Fjstad gone to ground here, it’s very possible there’s an Imperial presence here. In fact, I’d say it’s guaranteed. I don’t know why it’s not overt.”

“The Alliance doesn’t know?” Baze asked. Cassian shrugged.

“We haven’t focused on Margran,” he said. “It was neutral as far as we knew, and until Fjstad popped up.”

“I’m ready,” Baze said, hoisting his cannon and taking aim at a nearby bulkhead.

“Let’s hold off on that right now,” Cassian said, laying a hand on the Guardian’s arm. Baze reluctantly put the weapon down. “We’ll go in peacefully, slowly, try not to spook anyone, and get the family out. Only fight if we have to.”

“Oh, we’ll have to,” Baze replied, and he sounded a little too hopeful for Jyn’s taste.

 

Kaytoo wasn’t happy about being left on the ship, and groused so continuously on Cassian’s comlink that he had to mute it. They made an odd group, but the residents of Margran City were a mixed bunch themselves. All skin tones, all varieties of humans, and a large variety of aliens were present, all dressed in mismatched clothing from a couple hundred worlds. The streets were dusty, the world barren, houses stacked one on top of another. Scrubby green bushes poked out of the ground every so often, but for the most part, the place was just dirt brown aside from the colorful attire of its people.

Who, Jyn had to say as they walked, didn’t look all that unhappy to be there.

The weather was pleasant, and everyone around them seemed nice enough, apologizing for bumping into them or saying a bright “Good morning!” The further they walked from the spaceport, the larger the homes became. They were now in neighborhoods of two-story houses that looked better put together than the area around the spaceport. Cassian had said the Kernows had preferred living near the spaceport in case they needed an easy, quick escape.

Which, as it turned out, they now did.

The group walked through a quiet neighborhood lined with artificial trees, eternally blooming in bright green and spaced evenly. Birds chirped, and perfect pathways stretched up to the homes. Cassian had his comlink back on now that Kaytoo had quieted, and he kept his ear tuned to it, his face looking graver each time he listened to it.

“We need to hurry,” he said.

“What’s happened?” Baze asked.

“Darkness,” Chirrut said, and Cassian shot him a look.

“Troopers,” Cassian explained tersely. “A couple cities over. The Empire’s here. Our intel has been spotty at best, and as far as I know, there’s nothing on the planet anyone would want, but….” He shook his head. “We need to get going.”

They reached the Kernows’ house and rang a cheery doorbell. A portly man in his late forties answered with a smile. He had graying, curly hair, and he was dressed in clothes that did actually match. A little girl around six years old clung to him.

“Good to see you again,” Artor Kernow said, and Cassian smiled. They shook hands quickly.

“Is your family ready?” Cassian asked in a low voice. “Troopers spotted two cities overs, headed our way. They got wind of us right after we landed.”

“We are,” Artor said. “Just give us a moment.” He disappeared back into the house, and the Rogue One crew waited nervously on the front stoop, glancing back and forth between each other. Baze shifted from foot to foot, constantly touching the large backpack he wore that concealed his cannon.

“It is time,” Chirrut said. “We can delay no longer.”

Cassian nodded and pulled out his comlink. “Kay, Bodhi, we’re going to be coming in hot. Get that ship ready to fly _now_.”

“Copy that,” Bodhi said.

Artor, Nella, Emma, and Vin came out of the house with their belongings, and Artor locked the door.

“Don’t suppose it matters,” he said heavily. “We won’t be coming back. Guess I didn’t run far enough away.”

“We appreciate what you’ve done,” Cassian said, clapping him on the shoulder as the man turned away from his home. “We’ll talk on the ship. We need to move.”

The group picked up their pace as they headed back through the neighborhood, Cassian’s eyes flicking around constantly. The birds continued to chirp, animals chittered, and the day could not have been more beautiful, peaceful, and calm. Cassian’s nervousness worried Jyn. A lot. She’d never seen him so anxious, and so _openly_ anxious. Her fingers twitched, wanting her concealed blaster and truncheons.

They forced themselves to slow their pace as they walked back toward the spaceport. They moved slower than they would have liked, due to the heavy bags the group carried and the six- and four-year-old. Cassian had just offered to carry the wife’s and children’s bags when blaster fire burst out.

“Get behind something!” Cassian yelled at the Kernows. The Rogue One crew already knew what to do and immediately dove for cover. Jyn hid behind a speederbike, her blaster already in her hand. Artor had pushed his family to safety back behind a hedge, and he was right near Cassian, across the street from Jyn, with his blaster out and an expression that indicated he was ready to fight. More blaster fire sang through the air, and people ran screaming from the streets. Cassian was yelling and motioning to Artor, but Jyn couldn’t make out what he was saying. Finally Cassian stood and shoved the man away, in the direction of his family. Artor holstered his weapon and followed Cassian’s order, running to safety.

 _Idiot,_ Jyn thought when she realized what the exchange had been about. _Protect the message._ She understood that he wanted to protect his family by killing as many Imperials as possible, but the mission was paramount. The Alliance _needed_ his intel, and if he got killed, it would be a huge blow. Presumably he’d made backups of his information, but it would be Eadu all over again if he died.

Stormtroopers poured into the street, targeting the rebels. “Surrender immediately,” a platoon leader called out. “You will be dealt with swiftly.”

“Like hell!” Baze roared, his cannon already in his hands, the backpack torn open behind him. Red fire spat forth, cutting the half a dozen troopers down in seconds. For now, the street was clear, and the group ran for the spaceport, keeping the Kernow family in the middle of them. Artor carried six-year-old Emma, and Nella had swept little Vin up into her arms, his little hands clasped around her neck.

When they reached their hangar, another line of troopers greeted them, covering the entire entrance. An Imperial officer in gray stood at the front. He’d just opened his mouth to speak when Cassian aimed and fired, taking him right in the chest.

Artor grabbed his wife’s hand and dashed around supply crates for cover. Baze and Chirrut stood in front of them, holding off the trooper fire. The troopers split up, two of them checking on their dead officer, five keeping Baze and Chirrut busy, and five coming toward Jyn and Cassian at the entrance to the hanagar.

“They’ve probably commed for more at this point,” Cassian, pressed against Jyn’s back, said as he shot a trooper in the face. “Baze and Chirrut cleared their area. We need to run for it.”

He signaled, and the Kernows came out from their hiding position, the Guardians covering them. Jyn ran and fired at a trooper coming toward her. Another one went down, and she was ducking and then lining up a shot on a third. Only a couple more, and it would be over. They would be gone, their mission complete, headed back toward Yavin.

Then she saw it: a grenade, in one of the troopers’ right hands.

A glance behind her showed four more troopers who had just run into the hangar, all headed toward her now that her companions were almost up the ramp.

Her eyes locked with Cassian’s across the hangar, and she saw his face change into a look of real, true horror as he, too, took in the situation.

The ship was too far away. The stormtroopers were closing in on her from both sides.

The trooper threw the grenade toward Jyn, and she ducked for cover behind the supply crates and closed her eyes.

Then she clutched her kyber crystal, and she prayed.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian comes back for Jyn. He always does and always will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIVE MONTHS LATER...
> 
> Hello!!!! Have an update, on the first birthday of this fic!! Thank you to everyone following and doing all that awesome stuff. I can't believe this fic is still going strong after a whole YEAR! It was my very first fic and still my very favorite. I've been working on an undercover brothel fic recently called [Come to Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14369835/chapters/33174537%22) that takes place after Scarif and is FULL of UST. I am attempting to make it my hottest, sexiest work yet, so we'll see! I've also got lots of other stuff in the works, which you can follow on my [tumblr](https://thestarbirdfromtheashes.tumblr.com). I'm still here and still total trash for this ship and the movie! I'm even wearing my brand new R1 shirt today ~~because it took me that long to get a shirt~~ , which was a totally awesome idea in humid 75-degree weather, as it's all BLACK.
> 
> ANYWAY, ON WITH THE SHOW. <3 <3

The stormtrooper had thrown the grenade too hard, and it hit the wall behind Jyn, bounced off hard, and rolled twenty feet away. Then it exploded, and Jyn felt the blastwave pick her up, bang her into the wall, and then slam her down into the crates.

She was on fire.

She screamed and tried to pat at the flames, but her mind blanked with agony. Dimly she heard a voice calling her name, heard blaster fire, heard troops drop. Seconds stretched on and on into eternity, and her body shook and she was too slow.

The _Rogue One_ lifted up into the air on its repulsorlifts, sailed smoothly forward, and lifted up into the sky. In minutes, it would be gone.

They had left her behind.

Nothing but pain consumed her as she burned, praying for a different thing now: praying for death, whereas before she’d prayed for life. She understood why the crew had left. She even understood why Cassian had left. She could hear stormtrooper boots beating on the pavement; she’d know that sound anywhere. The crew couldn’t compromise their mission. She’d leave herself behind, too.

Tears wet Jyn’s eyes, and she remembered everything from the moment she’d been sprung from the transport on Wobani. Meeting Cassian for the first time. His closed-off questioning. Her anger at the Rebellion. Meeting the people who would become Rogue One. Her family. Cassian coming back for her on Jedha. On Eadu. Bringing her an army. Seeing him at the top of the Citadel Tower on Scarif when she had thought – _known_ – he had died in the data vault. The turbolift ride down. The beach.

The first kiss.

The first time.

How he said her name, on a breath or a moan, a reprimand or in irritation, in admiration or respect, and all the ways in between.

The way he made her feel.

The second chance they’d gotten at life, to start to know each other, and it being ripped from her all over again.

A tear ran down Jyn’s face at the wasted chance to know Cassian, to learn more about her crewmates, to do more, to be more, to tell him how she truly felt. Because she _knew_ , she’d _known_ , for so long now, and she hadn’t told him, she _hadn’t told him_ , because she’d been afraid. For…what? Was it easier – better? – to die than to tell him she loved him?

Jyn heard the sound of a fire extinguisher. Saw the gas curl up over her body.

And then a hand gripped hers. _“Jyn!”_

The strangled voice was anguished and full of pain. Cassian dropped down beside her – collapsed, really – his bad leg giving out, his own agony written on his face. His blaster clattered away. His hands were holding her head now, and all she could do was look at him. She saw nothing but him.

“You left,” she got out, shaking uncontrollably. She was going into shock.

Cassian shook his head. “No, no, I ordered the crew home. We’ve got another ship.”

Medics rushed up to her and secured her to a board, injecting her with pain relievers and covering her with a burn blanket.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to take her to our hospital?” one asked. “It’s not great, but it’s close.”

“I already told you no,” Cassian snapped. “Shut up.”

“But she…” The man dropped his voice. “She won’t make it anywhere else.”

“I said _shut up_!”

They put her on a bench inside a small shuttle, and it was then that she noticed Cassian had his blaster trained on someone else. That man initiated the launch sequence.

“Really, I could fly you – ” he started.

“Get out,” Cassian said. “I just need your ship, not you.”

“If you let me help – ”

“Get _out_!”

The ship’s owner stumbled down the ramp, and Cassian closed it and had the ship in the air before it was fully closed. Within moments, the vessel was in hyperspace. Cassian returned to Jyn’s side.

“Where…?” she asked.

“I know someone,” he said, kneeling down and taking her hand. “An old informant of mine who deals in illegal goods. His code name is Meter – the Alliance doesn’t need to know about him – and he has a supply of black market bacta. He won’t give it to the Alliance because it’s contaminated, but he has illegal meds, too, so if you get infected, we can get the infection under control… You’re going to be okay, Jyn.” His last words were almost wheezy, thin, almost devoid of breath, like he didn’t quite believe them. While one hand gripped one of hers hard, the other brushed hair back from her face over and over, as if he couldn’t stop repeating the motion.

“Yavin?” she asked, her voice weak.

Cassian shook his head. “You’d never make it, and it would take a whole tank of bacta and a week to heal you. Draven would never sign off on it, not when scores of other Rebels with lesser wounds could be healed. This is our only chance.”

“Don’t leave,” Jyn said in a broken voice, and she felt moisture in her eyes again.

“I won’t,” Cassian promised, bending his forehead to hers. “I never have. I never will. I’ll always come back.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian meets his contact, who grudgingly agrees to treat Jyn (Cassian’s blaster helps there). Cassian and Jyn share some quiet time together, reflecting on how they truly feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore all my medical blunders with the burns. Let’s just pretend it’s possible because plot. 
> 
> Also, THANK YOU AGAIN to everyone who's still reading this! AND commenting! ZOMG!!! You guys are awesome. :) <3
> 
> **THIS WORK IS CURRENTLY ON HOLD INDEFINITELY**

The trip only took an hour and a half in hyperspace. Cassian’s contact lived far out in the countryside on a planet Jyn didn’t know the name of, that Cassian clearly didn’t want to tell her. The planet was neutral, so they had no problem landing. Meter lived in what could only be described as an underground bunker, and he had security cameras everywhere.

“You gotta be outta your mind, pulling something like this, Sward,” Meter said, using an old alias of Cassian’s that Jyn had heard him talk about on occasion. Meter had his arms crossed, flat disapproval on his face. “I don’t know how your lady friend got blowed up, but it ain’t my problem.”

Cassian already had his blaster out, and he shoved the short, round man against the wall, his forearm across his throat. “You make it your problem.”

Meter wheezed dramatically. “Supposing I said no? I got customers who want this bacta, ya know. You waste a whole tank on some dumb girl, you – ”

Cassian struck him across the face with the butt of his blaster. “You help me, or you die. Only two options, Meter. I know enough about you to sell you out to half a dozen people who would like nothing more than to string you up and leave you for the vultures to peck your eyes out in the blazing sun.”

“All right, all right,” Meter said, throwing Cassian’s arm down. He spared a glance at Jyn. “All this for some whore? She really musta got to you. You’re in deep with her, and you’re gonna be in _real_ deep with me now.” He chuckled. “Hope she’s worth the trouble.”

Cassian had his forearm against the man’s throat again, blaster at his temple. “You speak one more time,” he said, “and you die. Don’t _fuck_ with me, Meter.”

Grumbling and rubbing his cheek where Cassian’s blaster had hit him, Meter walked down a hallway. Cassian gingerly picked Jyn up again and carried her after him.

 

It was days before Jyn woke again, to a small, brown room. When she did, the skin of her legs and torso felt stretched tight. Cassian sat in a chair beside her. Meter withdrew a syringe from her arm.

“She’s awake,” he said gruffly. “Got three more days of bacta, though.” He glanced at Jyn. “Suppose you’ll be wanting to eat. Nothing fancy here, mind. Protein packs and nutritive milk, _and that’s it_.” Then his eyes went to Cassian. “Don’t mind I ask you to pay for it all.”

“Fuck off, Meter,” Cassian said with a glare.

Meter snorted. “You wish, Sward. I don’t owe you nothin’, and only reason I gave you my bacta for this bimbo is because you come inna my home inna middle of the night and threaten me. Maybe I got some threats of my own? Hmm?”

Jyn watched as Cassian uncurled himself from the chair and stood over the short man, fists clenched, all deadly, compact strength.

“I’m warning you again,” Cassian said in a voice so dangerous, it sent chills down Jyn’s spine. She’d never want to be on the opposing side of _that_ tone. “Keep going down this path, and you will sorely regret it. And I do mean _sorely_.”

Meter didn’t look impressed. “Psht,” he said. “I’ve met worse than you.”

“No,” Cassian said as he turned away from the man and sat down again, “you haven’t.”

Meter took the hint and thankfully left the room, shutting the door on the way out. Cassian watched him go, then softened the moment he turned back to Jyn.

“How do you feel?” he asked quietly.

“I’m okay,” she said. “My throat’s dry.” Cassian handed her a cup of water, telling her to take it easy. “How does it look?”

“It’s bad,” he said, “but we got you in bacta soon enough that it won’t leave any lasting damage. Meter has really good stuff here, but it _is_ contaminated. You’re fighting a pretty bad infection, but he does have the medicine for that. It’s weak, and it’ll take time, but you’ll get there.”

“Are we safe here?”

“For now.”

He didn’t elaborate, and Jyn didn’t press him further. She knew what wasn’t being said. She looked up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I failed the mission.”

Cassian took her hand. “No, you didn’t. Not at all. I’ve been in contact with the Alliance. They’ve found Fjstad thanks to Artor’s intelligence. It was a successful mission. The crew carried out their duties.”

Jyn noticed he didn’t say “we.” He only referred to the rest of the Rogue One crew. “And…you?” she asked. Cassian looked down. “Cassian.”

“I’ll have to answer to Draven,” he said. His thumb brushed across her knuckles, and he looked up again into her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what he says. I don’t really care. Do you want to get out? We could stay here, or – ”

Jyn held up her fingers to silence him, still too weak to raise her whole hand. Cassian had had much too much time to think and berate himself. “We don’t need to talk about deserting just yet,” she said.

He was quiet a moment, and that, to Jyn, was somehow worse than his uncustomary babbling. He was thinking something, and she didn’t like it. Nothing good could come of any man left alone to think too long by himself, in her experience.

Then it burst out of him: “Marry me, Jyn.”

Jyn’s eyes widened. “What?”

“They’re going to try to split us up because of this,” Cassian said. “I don’t want to be split up from you, or from the crew, not ever.”

“I….” Jyn tried to speak, but words failed her. It was all too much.

Cassian curled her hair around her ear, his hand so delicate as it touched her. “I love you,” he said softly. “I have since Eadu.”

Jyn smiled and reached her hand up to his face. He turned into it and kissed her palm. “I know you have,” she replied. “Maybe not in those exact words, but deep inside, I knew something.” She leaned up just a little to try to kiss him, but he wouldn’t let her strain herself, and leaned down the distance. When their lips parted, she breathed against his, “I love you, too, Cassian.”

She didn’t expect his response, which was to look stunned. “Really?”

Jyn frowned, bemused and perplexed at the same time. “Yes, really.”

“Are you sure? I didn’t think anyone ever could.”

She gave him a laugh in response, and it was the truest laugh she’d ever felt. “I don’t think that’s the way to talk to your future wife.”

He kissed her again, and it was a long time before they let go.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m on [tumblr](https://thestarbirdfromtheashes.tumblr.com/)! Come and say hi!


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